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Aug 29, 2014

Thoughts on My Son's First Day of Kindergarten

Well, I made it. I sent my baby into the world on his own for six hours, which is a completely normal thing that every (non-homeschooling) parent does, but to me, it seemed insane.

How is this kid, who still needs to be reminded to use the bathroom and drink water and not fling himself into the furniture, old enough to be in a classroom with 22 other kids, with only two adults to look after them? This kid who only just graduated from a convertible seat to a booster? Who started the year still sitting in the shopping cart? How is he big enough for school??

But he is. The calendar says it, the state says it, and honestly, I don't think I could handle another year of All Mom All the Time.

I love him, but most days I am very happy to see the clock turn to 8pm. You know what I mean.

But still.

Aug 21, 2014

Top 9 Thoughts I Have While Grocery Shopping With Kids

My son is starting kindergarten next week. You know what that means: I finally get to go shopping alone! I'm not sure I remember what it was like to go to Target without either visiting the toy aisle, or coming up with an elaborate scheme to avoid it. To go to BJ's without stopping at every single sample stand. To go to the grocery store without stopping at the deli for free cheese, the seafood section to pat the lobsters, and hissing "slow down!" "hurry up!" or "get out of her personal space!" ten times each.

So, yeah, I'm nervous about sending him to school. Very, very nervous. But I'm trying to focus on the positives, like these nine things I won't have to deal with anymore:



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Aug 14, 2014

The Paradox That is the Human Child

I want you to ask yourself a question: Roughly what percentage of the time are you content with the volume of your child's voice?

My kid is LOUD, almost all the time. I gather that's pretty common. But you know when he's super quiet? Not when I'm working. Not when I'm watching TV. Not first thing in the morning. Noooo. He is quiet when thanking a stranger for a compliment ("Tell her thank you, not the floor!"), and he's quiet when we're driving. Here's every car ride ever:

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: What?

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: [Turns radio down] What??

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: [Rolls windows up] What?!

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: Speak up!

Boy: Tell me about the day you bought this car.

Me: [Steam coming out of my ears.]

And so, after the latest episode of "OH JUST TELL ME WHEN WE GET HOME," I wrote a little ditty about The Paradox That is the Human Child for NickMom. 90% of these examples are based on things my kid really does. I'm willing to be you'll recognize your special snowflake, too.



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Aug 12, 2014

I Played the Kim Kardashian Game So You Don't Have To

For those of you who have been living under a rock, or busy dumping ice water on your head, I am here to tell you that Kim Kardashian has an app called Kim Kardashian Hollywood, and it's taking the world by storm.

Like, even more than the ice water thing.

Financial analysts predict that the app will rake in $200 million this year, of which Kim stands to earn 45% of the net profits. Which is great, because she totally needs that cash, what with the new baby and all the bills from her recent wedding.

Are you done laughing? Cool.

So what's the deal with this game? Its reach is so broad that even the EPA is playing it (okay, more likely it's an unpaid teenage EPA intern, but still). It's so addictive that twelve-year-old Katherine's iTunes review contains the following tragic sentence: "Should I start with the fact that this game actually makes you feel like you are famous, or the fact that this game makes you feel important?"

And most importantly, it spawned this hilarious tweet:


But what is it? And why is it so addictive? I decided to find out.


Aug 5, 2014

What Your Vacation Destination Says About You

Ever since I wrote "Dating For Dog Lovers," I've really enjoyed judging people based on a single trait. It's so much fun, you guys! That article originally appeared on In the Powder Room, and I kept the game going in the comments section for about a month. Anyone whose dog wasn't represented in the article was invited to chime in and be judged. I wish I could have imported all those comments here when the site was overhauled!

Well, I've done it again on NickMom with "What Your Vacation Destination Says About You." I think I covered all the basics, but if your vacation wasn't mentioned, please comment below and allow me to make fun of you. You won't regret it!


P.S. If you're curious, we did a staycation this year.

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