Google Something Clever 2.0: 2011

Dec 28, 2011

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (on Facebook)

If you have too many people on your Friends list, but feel bad unfriending people, here are a few ways you can get them to drop you, instead.
  • Post a passive-aggressive jab at an unnamed friend: “You just don’t get it, do you? And you never will…”
  • Comment on someone’s status with something that has nothing to do with anything: “I passed the test!” “Hey can I have that recipe for brownies? Gramma is out of the hospital now and doing great. TTYL!”
  • Dare people to join your cause by doing something completely ineffectual: “I’m changing my profile picture to a photo of my favorite meat to fight world hunger. 83.7% of people don’t have the guts to do this.  Do YOU??”
  • Tell me about something mundane in a really exciting way:” OMG you guyz… Honey Comb for breakfast this morning!!!”
  • Share a polarizing article.  Do not comment on whether you agree or disagree. Let your liberal friends and conservative family start a flame war with each other over it. Don’t chime in, just watch: “Donald Trump Donating $1 million to NYC Shelters to Abort Unwanted Puppies – Via Huffington Post”
  • Comment on my status with unnecessarily vulgar language. Bonus points if my grandmother or ten-year-old cousin has already commented, and will therefore receive a notification: “Congratulations on winning that eBay auction, you silly cunt!”
  • Talk about that awesome thing you all did last night that you didn’t invite me to, complete with inside jokes: “Hahahaha @Steve @Kelly @John @Bobby @Beth @Amy @Kevin @Tom @Pete @Jeff @Carl,  remember when the bartender did that thing! EPIC!!! ‘I am the champion of the night!!!!’ Lulz”
  • Pretend that Facebook is Twitter: “Hate rush hour traffic. #slowgrannydrivers #toyotacamry #roadworkonthepike”
  • Add a middle/maiden name to your profile that is not your real name: “Cathy SoSexyYouKnowYouWantIt Anderson”
  • Spoil anything: “OMG Fringe was so good last night! Who would have thought Olivia was dead the whole time??? So glad I watched it live instead of DVRing like everyone else.”
  • Post a NSFW YouTube video with absolutely no warning: “Check out this cute kitten on YouTube” (kitten gets raped by a beagle in the last 10 seconds. Title of the video is “Puppy Love”)

Nov 26, 2011

What the Hell is Wrong With Kids' Shows?? (Part 1)

My kid watches a lot of TV. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and also lazy, so that means I watch a lot of kids' shows, too. If you've recently had a baby, perhaps you're wondering what you're getting yourself into. Of course you are. Luckily, I am here to guide you on what's wrong with children's programming. This will definitely take more than one lesson, but I can't expect you to read more than a few paragraphs at a time, so here's the first installment:

Wonder Pets

This show features three superhero classroom pets who can’t seem to stop singing for two friggin seconds. One of the main characters has a speech impediment. This show is intended for toddlers. Kids are probably learning how to talk from this show, and the stupid duck is teaching them to pronounce their R’s as W’s.

Dino Dan

Where do I begin? Obviously, the kid is schizophrenic. He hallucinates dinosaurs everywhere, and the whole town plays along with him. Also, I don’t think his father is real. It’s like Bobby Boucher’s father in the “The Waterboy”; he took off when the kid was born, and mom made up a fantastical story about him working at “the dino museum in Alberta.” Now the kid has an unnatural attachment to dinosaurs. Also, he pronounces half of the dinosaurs’ names incorrectly.

Busytown Mysteries

Was this drawn by a 10-year-old with limited fine motor skills?

Dora the Explorer/Go Diego Go

These two exist solely to make me hate the Spanish language. Why do they have to yell everything? Can Spanish only be spoken at top volume?

Bubble Guppies

This show would be better if the writers could remember that it’s supposed to be set under water. Every episode features things that make absolutely no sense under water, like leaves blowing around, or one character requesting that another one build him a house “with a pool.” A pool. Maybe it’s actually written by goldfish, who completely forget the plot every 8 seconds.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

This show doesn’t make a lick of sense.  There is a flying robot mouse head named Toodles who brings them “mouseketools” to solve their problems, and then they say, “We got ears, say cheers!” Now you’re expecting me to explain all that nonsense in this sentence, right? Sorry, can’t. I’ve seen every episode 10 times and I still can’t make heads or tails of it. Also, I think Goofy is dating a cow.

Team Umi Zoomi

This show stars two cartoon kids and their cartoon robot – all of them miniature – interacting with live action humans. Every single human on the show is tied for the title of Worst Actor Ever. Not just because they’re kids. The cartoon kids are voiced by kids, and they’re great. And occasionally there’s a live-adult on the show, and they’re awful, too. Maybe they all got walk-on roles as part of a contest.

Roary the Racing Car

I’ve seen one episode of this show, but I’ve seen it 15 times, so I feel qualified to pass judgment. Rory got less airtime on this episode than Creed on “The Office”, so I’m not sure they named the show accurately. The plot of the episode I watched centers around Marsha, the office manager of a race track. When she overhears her colleagues describing her as bossy, she plans to throw herself in the ocean, but later changes her mind. At first, I thought I was reading too much into it, and she wasn’t really suicidal, until I saw that the title of the episode was “Marsha’s Wonderful Life.” WTF???

Check out Part 2 here.

Oct 28, 2011

Suck it, Christmas

Here is a comparative list which proves that Halloween is far superior to Christmas:

On Halloween, you get to wear a cool costume and impress your friends.
On Christmas, you wear five layers of ugly sweaters, because it's freezing.

On Halloween, you eat candy.
On Christmas, you eat room temperature turkey.

On Halloween, you get to scare strangers.
On Christmas, you have to be nice.

For Halloween, you decorate your house with gravestones and strobe lights.
For Christmas, you erect a friggin tree in your living room, which necessitates rearranging all the furniture. If it's real, it will make a huge mess of needles and sap. If it's fake, you will rip up your hands putting it together.


On Halloween, theme songs are played on an organ in a minor chord, and the title card is written in dripping-blood letters. 
On Christmas, theme songs are overlaid with jingle bells, and the title card is overlaid with falling snow.

On Halloween, you go to strangers' houses and they give you free shit.
On Christmas, you go to your relatives' houses and they give you shit.

For Halloween, you must buy four bags of candy.
For Christmas, you must buy a gift for every friend and family member, figure out if you should give your boss a gift, and navigate the annual tip conundrum.

On Halloween, the dead can walk the Earth.
On Christmas, there's that one zombie, but he's a baby or something?

If you're a last minute shopper on Halloween, you get stuck giving out Dum-Dums.
If you're a last minute shopper on Christmas, you get stuck giving out Snuggies.

Jingle Bell Rock. (Come to think of it, I could have made this my only argument and still won.)

Happy Halloween!

Oct 3, 2011

Written By a Cop For Our Own Safety

If you know a woman over 50 with access to a computer, chances are you’ve gotten this email, or a similar one. In case you haven't, I’m sharing it with you. I’ve cleaned up the formatting and removed 255 of the colors in the original. I’ve also added my own helpful commentary.

Written by a Cop for Our Own Safety

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. [If you’re not functionally illiterate, you can just take two minutes.] It may save your life or a loved one's life. In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation... [Everyone knows nothing you read after 5pm will sink in.] This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. [Really just the women- men are never victims of crime.] After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. [I’m confused. I think my fingers are pointier, but my knees are stronger. Is the elbow the best combination of strong and pointy?] If you are close enough to use it, do! [Much safer than running.]

Wait, did you mean this kind?

2. Learned this from a tourist guide. [Why is a cop taking safety tips from a “tourist guide?] If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. [If you hand it directly to him, that will only enrage him, as there’s nothing a robber hates more than a cooperative victim.] RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights [they're really just red windows] and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. [Do NOT do the Queen wave, or beauty pageant wave; passers-by will just assume you’re being friendly.] The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Never pull on this; it will blow up the car.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) [I tend to file my nails; is that still ok?] The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. [What if I use a pointy nail file? Then it’s like a weapon, right?]  

AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..  If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! [Dare him to shoot you! Remember, he’s more scared of you than you are of him.] Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. [From a bullet?] If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. [I thought he was in the passenger seat?] As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location. [Your family would really appreciate it if you got shot in a parking lot, rather than the woods. That way they won’t get mud on their shoes when they set up the memorial.]

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
  • Be aware:  look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor [so it’s helpful that mine is full of trash, thus leaving no room for a serial killer?], and in the back seat.
  • If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. [FACT. That’s why they make vans, did you not know this?]
  • Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. [All men are rapists, unless of course they are wearing a badge.] IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) [And better a shut-in than the victim of a serial killer I just made up.]

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the  perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!) [All criminals are claustrophobic and sleep until 3pm.]

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times [They’ve done multiple studies on the shooting accuracy of bad guys, and they all fall into this average]; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ [just an artery]. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern! [Employing jazz hands will further disorient the shooter.]

Worked for them.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. [Done and done.] It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. [I am ONLY sympathetic to Harvard men.] He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. [Except for the hitchhikers he picked up, and the home invasions. Other than those, he ALWAYS limped through mall parking lots.]

I'd hit that.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me [Is this still “written by a cop”?] that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird.. [Weird? Obviously she doesn’t live in my neighborhood.] The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door..' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. [That’s logical.] The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' [The kid can take care of himself.] He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. [Well, I’m glad I don’t live in that area. Wait, where was this again?]

10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack. [A muddy front yard in a neighborhood is a great place to attack someone.]

A great, sexy place.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on This e-mail should probably [probably] be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was [never] mentioned on America 's Most Wanted  when they profiled the serial killer in  Louisiana. I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know [stupid, helpless little things]. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.. [Huh??]

I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if [and only if] you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may [or may not] want to pass it onto them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.. [Some bitches are just too carefree and need a little wake-up call, if you ask me.]

Stay safe, ladies!

For more like this, check out The Surprising Benefits of Lemon!

Sep 20, 2011

Nevermind is 20 years old on Saturday

In accordance with the laws of fashion progression, I believe that “grunge” is about to come back in style, since it seems that the “In Living Color opening credits” look is on its way out. I’m always torn when a style of clothing I wear becomes fashionable; on the one hand, it’s easier to find clothes you like, and at prices you can afford (example: I just bought my son two flannels at Target for $10 each). On the other hand, it means that everyone is dressing like you. I’m sorry, I will never completely outgrow the rabid anti-conformist roots of my teens, and the thought of a [shudder] prep wearing  Doc Martens makes me furious.

The reemergence of grunge threatens a much more disturbing idea. Depending on your age, you may have noticed that every time a “vintage” fashion comes back around, they get it just slightly off. For example, this new early-90s rewind. How many times have you seen a 15-year-old boy at the mall lately wearing Sebastian Bach skintight black jeans with Reebok Pumps and wanted to shake him by the shoulders? “No, no, they were both worn during the same time period, but not together! Good god, little man, figure out whose look you’re coopting and get it right!” Then there are those make a cariacature of themselves, taking everything to the extreme. Head-to-toe neon and polka-dots, anyone?

So while I’m grateful to be able to stock up on all the staples I’ve been missing at the stores for the last 20 years (lace babydoll dresses? Please?), I’m terrified I’m going to have to stop some little girl on the street and explain why she should not be wearing a vintage Rhythm Nation cap over her midnight blue hair. I guess I’ll just have to shop online for the next year or so.

Sep 19, 2011

A Look at My Vocabulary

Here is a random sampling of words that I have added to the Personal Dictionary on my phone, with explanations:

  • Activia – only to make fun of it, not to put it on the shopping list
  • AFV – for some reason, this is the official abbreviation of “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, the only show my whole family can get behind
  • Ahoy – I think I’m a pirate
  • Amazeballs – I talk like I’m at least 10 years younger than I really am
  • Bajillion – that’s not a word yet?
  • Belichick – I’m from New England
  • Beluga – the living creature, not the caviar
  • Betendin – how my son pronounces “pretending”
  • Bocado – an awesome tapas restaurant in Worcester, MA
  • Cacciatore – my specialty
  • Chevelle – my cat
  • Chianti – I like wine
  • Codeine – and opiates
  • Cosby – I “The Cosby Show”
  • Crimper – I have one. Jealous?
  • Dunkin – see “Belichick”
  • Engrish – Google it
  • F’d – sometimes “fucked” is too strong, but “messed up” is too long to type
  • Gabba – as in “yo”
  • Grigio – as in “pinot”
  • Huxtable – I mean really
  • Kachigga – have you seen “Cars”?
  • Kachow – clearly, you haven’t
  • Malbec – oh, shut up
  • Merlot – now, this one was to teach a 21-year-old that it sucks
  • Nyan – see
  • Poupon – as in “Grey,” one of 10 mustards currently in my fridge
  • Rhinestones – I’m fancy
  • Salami – maybe not
  • Sorento – my son is obsessed with Kia commercials
  • Splayed – man, I wish I knew
  • SVU – what can I say, I love a good hooker murder
  • TRON – do I need to explain? Please note, I am not referring to the sequel
  • Vegan – I considered it for two hours
  • Whatev – for when you’re filled with too much ennui to type the “er”
  • Yar’est – I mean, deep down in my bones, I believe I’m a pirate (who gets seasick and can’t swim)
  • Zhen – half of “zhen bang,” Mandarin for “awesome.” My two-year-old taught me this
  • Zinfandel – not a word
  • Zit – and I’m out

Cause and Effect

I am writing this from the floor of my bathroom. If you think I’m sitting here puking up mojitos, you’re on the wrong site. I have trapped my two-year-old on the toilet with no stepstool to climb down and no plunger to play with because this is the only way I can get him to poop lately.

Parenting would be the easiest thing in the world, if only children understood the concept of cause and effect. They say that when a nine-month-old first starts playing that game where they throw a toy on the ground and then cry for it, they’re learning cause and effect: they throw it, you retrieve it. This is bullshit. I wish like hell my son understood that everything he does effects something else.

Here are a few cause/effect relationships he has yet to learn, no matter how many times I repeat the lesson:
  •  If you don’t poop every day, you will feel and act awful
  • If you lie to me about whether or not you pooped, I will figure it out pretty fast
  • If you slept until eight, we would all be happier people
  • If you press the alarm button on the elevator, I will have to pay the fire department a fine (why is that button always at the bottom of the row??)
  • If you don’t point it down when you pee (he pees sitting down), you will pee on your pants and we will have to finish our grocery shopping with you wearing those plaid shorts I keep in my purse, the ones that are too small
  • If we’re holding hands at Target and you tug on my arm and then yell “Ow!” we might not see each other for six weeks, and even then, only under state supervision

Update: It's 35 minutes later, and he finally gave in to my demands. I must concede that he does understand at least one cause and effect relationship; after he did it, he turned to me and said, “That was not so hard! I need prize!”

Sep 16, 2011

Hair Tinsel

I want hair tinsel. I am a 32-year-old wife and mother who is not in the music industry, and I want hair tinsel. Have you seen this? I think there was a line of Barbies like this back in the 80s. It’s just a few strands of tinsel interspersed throughout your hair like extensions, and it looks cooler than Jem on acid. I’m already pulling off maroon hair pretty well, I think, so tinsel is the next logical step. I feel like if I had some silver tinsel in my hair, I could pick up a guitar and strum one chord that would send lightning bolts flying in all directions, possibly melting the faces of high school principals and uncool dads.

Now, from a very quick Google search, I’ve determined that I can make this dream a reality via two different methods. The first is to go to a salon in Las Vegas and have them applied professionally for $99. Oh, excuse me, that’s starting at $99. Or, you can buy a package of 100 strands from Amazon for around $15 and then tie them in yourself after watching a how-to video on YouTube by a teenager from the Midwest.

Call me crazy, but I think there’s a third option. Can’t I just wait a month and buy tinsel intended for Christmas trees at Wal-Mart, probably at a cost of $3.99 for 5000 strands? I feel like this is too obvious; if it was the same tinsel, there’s no way Amazon would get away with inflating the price to 200 times what it’s worth.

So can anyone tell me, is it the same tinsel? Can I really do it myself? And most importantly, am I delusional for thinking I can pull off cartoon hair when the only place I have to flaunt it is at Stop & Shop at 4:00 on a Tuesday afternoon?

****12/30/11 Update: Look what I got for Christmas!****
And yes, that is a flannel you see. That "Nevermind" post wasn't fiction, either.

Another update:

I'm getting a lot of search traffic on this post, so I figured I'd do you all a solid and answer some questions that you may have, now that I know the answers. I got Bling Strands for Christmas. I'm very happy with them. They are thinner than Christmas tinsel, and meant to withstand the abuse that you would subject hair to, like washing, blow drying, crimping (yes, I do) etc. The way they work is that you take a really long strand and fold it in half, loop it around one strand of your real hair, and knot it. They have instructions and videos on their website. You can tie it to more than one strand, like I did, if you're worried about that hair falling out and taking the tinsel with it. But, the more hair you have it tied to, the easier it is for the tinsel to slide off. I recommend just one strand of hair. And if you are a mom, and therefore live in ponytails like me, don't forget to put some on the sides and bottom of your head so you can rock their socks off at BJ's and Petco. Now, open a new tab so you can shop, then come back here and read another post. I'm more than just your tinsel adviser, you know.