Google Something Clever 2.0: September 2011

Sep 20, 2011

Nevermind is 20 years old on Saturday

In accordance with the laws of fashion progression, I believe that “grunge” is about to come back in style, since it seems that the “In Living Color opening credits” look is on its way out. I’m always torn when a style of clothing I wear becomes fashionable; on the one hand, it’s easier to find clothes you like, and at prices you can afford (example: I just bought my son two flannels at Target for $10 each). On the other hand, it means that everyone is dressing like you. I’m sorry, I will never completely outgrow the rabid anti-conformist roots of my teens, and the thought of a [shudder] prep wearing  Doc Martens makes me furious.

The reemergence of grunge threatens a much more disturbing idea. Depending on your age, you may have noticed that every time a “vintage” fashion comes back around, they get it just slightly off. For example, this new early-90s rewind. How many times have you seen a 15-year-old boy at the mall lately wearing Sebastian Bach skintight black jeans with Reebok Pumps and wanted to shake him by the shoulders? “No, no, they were both worn during the same time period, but not together! Good god, little man, figure out whose look you’re coopting and get it right!” Then there are those make a cariacature of themselves, taking everything to the extreme. Head-to-toe neon and polka-dots, anyone?

So while I’m grateful to be able to stock up on all the staples I’ve been missing at the stores for the last 20 years (lace babydoll dresses? Please?), I’m terrified I’m going to have to stop some little girl on the street and explain why she should not be wearing a vintage Rhythm Nation cap over her midnight blue hair. I guess I’ll just have to shop online for the next year or so.

Sep 19, 2011

A Look at My Vocabulary

Here is a random sampling of words that I have added to the Personal Dictionary on my phone, with explanations:

  • Activia – only to make fun of it, not to put it on the shopping list
  • AFV – for some reason, this is the official abbreviation of “America’s Funniest Home Videos”, the only show my whole family can get behind
  • Ahoy – I think I’m a pirate
  • Amazeballs – I talk like I’m at least 10 years younger than I really am
  • Bajillion – that’s not a word yet?
  • Belichick – I’m from New England
  • Beluga – the living creature, not the caviar
  • Betendin – how my son pronounces “pretending”
  • Bocado – an awesome tapas restaurant in Worcester, MA
  • Cacciatore – my specialty
  • Chevelle – my cat
  • Chianti – I like wine
  • Codeine – and opiates
  • Cosby – I “The Cosby Show”
  • Crimper – I have one. Jealous?
  • Dunkin – see “Belichick”
  • Engrish – Google it
  • F’d – sometimes “fucked” is too strong, but “messed up” is too long to type
  • Gabba – as in “yo”
  • Grigio – as in “pinot”
  • Huxtable – I mean really
  • Kachigga – have you seen “Cars”?
  • Kachow – clearly, you haven’t
  • Malbec – oh, shut up
  • Merlot – now, this one was to teach a 21-year-old that it sucks
  • Nyan – see
  • Poupon – as in “Grey,” one of 10 mustards currently in my fridge
  • Rhinestones – I’m fancy
  • Salami – maybe not
  • Sorento – my son is obsessed with Kia commercials
  • Splayed – man, I wish I knew
  • SVU – what can I say, I love a good hooker murder
  • TRON – do I need to explain? Please note, I am not referring to the sequel
  • Vegan – I considered it for two hours
  • Whatev – for when you’re filled with too much ennui to type the “er”
  • Yar’est – I mean, deep down in my bones, I believe I’m a pirate (who gets seasick and can’t swim)
  • Zhen – half of “zhen bang,” Mandarin for “awesome.” My two-year-old taught me this
  • Zinfandel – not a word
  • Zit – and I’m out

Cause and Effect

I am writing this from the floor of my bathroom. If you think I’m sitting here puking up mojitos, you’re on the wrong site. I have trapped my two-year-old on the toilet with no stepstool to climb down and no plunger to play with because this is the only way I can get him to poop lately.

Parenting would be the easiest thing in the world, if only children understood the concept of cause and effect. They say that when a nine-month-old first starts playing that game where they throw a toy on the ground and then cry for it, they’re learning cause and effect: they throw it, you retrieve it. This is bullshit. I wish like hell my son understood that everything he does effects something else.

Here are a few cause/effect relationships he has yet to learn, no matter how many times I repeat the lesson:
  •  If you don’t poop every day, you will feel and act awful
  • If you lie to me about whether or not you pooped, I will figure it out pretty fast
  • If you slept until eight, we would all be happier people
  • If you press the alarm button on the elevator, I will have to pay the fire department a fine (why is that button always at the bottom of the row??)
  • If you don’t point it down when you pee (he pees sitting down), you will pee on your pants and we will have to finish our grocery shopping with you wearing those plaid shorts I keep in my purse, the ones that are too small
  • If we’re holding hands at Target and you tug on my arm and then yell “Ow!” we might not see each other for six weeks, and even then, only under state supervision

Update: It's 35 minutes later, and he finally gave in to my demands. I must concede that he does understand at least one cause and effect relationship; after he did it, he turned to me and said, “That was not so hard! I need prize!”

Sep 16, 2011

Hair Tinsel

I want hair tinsel. I am a 32-year-old wife and mother who is not in the music industry, and I want hair tinsel. Have you seen this? I think there was a line of Barbies like this back in the 80s. It’s just a few strands of tinsel interspersed throughout your hair like extensions, and it looks cooler than Jem on acid. I’m already pulling off maroon hair pretty well, I think, so tinsel is the next logical step. I feel like if I had some silver tinsel in my hair, I could pick up a guitar and strum one chord that would send lightning bolts flying in all directions, possibly melting the faces of high school principals and uncool dads.

Now, from a very quick Google search, I’ve determined that I can make this dream a reality via two different methods. The first is to go to a salon in Las Vegas and have them applied professionally for $99. Oh, excuse me, that’s starting at $99. Or, you can buy a package of 100 strands from Amazon for around $15 and then tie them in yourself after watching a how-to video on YouTube by a teenager from the Midwest.

Call me crazy, but I think there’s a third option. Can’t I just wait a month and buy tinsel intended for Christmas trees at Wal-Mart, probably at a cost of $3.99 for 5000 strands? I feel like this is too obvious; if it was the same tinsel, there’s no way Amazon would get away with inflating the price to 200 times what it’s worth.

So can anyone tell me, is it the same tinsel? Can I really do it myself? And most importantly, am I delusional for thinking I can pull off cartoon hair when the only place I have to flaunt it is at Stop & Shop at 4:00 on a Tuesday afternoon?

****12/30/11 Update: Look what I got for Christmas!****
And yes, that is a flannel you see. That "Nevermind" post wasn't fiction, either.

Another update:

I'm getting a lot of search traffic on this post, so I figured I'd do you all a solid and answer some questions that you may have, now that I know the answers. I got Bling Strands for Christmas. I'm very happy with them. They are thinner than Christmas tinsel, and meant to withstand the abuse that you would subject hair to, like washing, blow drying, crimping (yes, I do) etc. The way they work is that you take a really long strand and fold it in half, loop it around one strand of your real hair, and knot it. They have instructions and videos on their website. You can tie it to more than one strand, like I did, if you're worried about that hair falling out and taking the tinsel with it. But, the more hair you have it tied to, the easier it is for the tinsel to slide off. I recommend just one strand of hair. And if you are a mom, and therefore live in ponytails like me, don't forget to put some on the sides and bottom of your head so you can rock their socks off at BJ's and Petco. Now, open a new tab so you can shop, then come back here and read another post. I'm more than just your tinsel adviser, you know.