Google Something Clever 2.0: October 2011

Oct 28, 2011

Suck it, Christmas

Here is a comparative list which proves that Halloween is far superior to Christmas:

On Halloween, you get to wear a cool costume and impress your friends.
On Christmas, you wear five layers of ugly sweaters, because it's freezing.

On Halloween, you eat candy.
On Christmas, you eat room temperature turkey.

On Halloween, you get to scare strangers.
On Christmas, you have to be nice.

For Halloween, you decorate your house with gravestones and strobe lights.
For Christmas, you erect a friggin tree in your living room, which necessitates rearranging all the furniture. If it's real, it will make a huge mess of needles and sap. If it's fake, you will rip up your hands putting it together.


On Halloween, theme songs are played on an organ in a minor chord, and the title card is written in dripping-blood letters. 
On Christmas, theme songs are overlaid with jingle bells, and the title card is overlaid with falling snow.

On Halloween, you go to strangers' houses and they give you free shit.
On Christmas, you go to your relatives' houses and they give you shit.

For Halloween, you must buy four bags of candy.
For Christmas, you must buy a gift for every friend and family member, figure out if you should give your boss a gift, and navigate the annual tip conundrum.

On Halloween, the dead can walk the Earth.
On Christmas, there's that one zombie, but he's a baby or something?

If you're a last minute shopper on Halloween, you get stuck giving out Dum-Dums.
If you're a last minute shopper on Christmas, you get stuck giving out Snuggies.

Jingle Bell Rock. (Come to think of it, I could have made this my only argument and still won.)

Happy Halloween!

Oct 3, 2011

Written By a Cop For Our Own Safety

If you know a woman over 50 with access to a computer, chances are you’ve gotten this email, or a similar one. In case you haven't, I’m sharing it with you. I’ve cleaned up the formatting and removed 255 of the colors in the original. I’ve also added my own helpful commentary.

Written by a Cop for Our Own Safety

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. [If you’re not functionally illiterate, you can just take two minutes.] It may save your life or a loved one's life. In daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation... [Everyone knows nothing you read after 5pm will sink in.] This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, & everyone you know. [Really just the women- men are never victims of crime.] After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. [I’m confused. I think my fingers are pointier, but my knees are stronger. Is the elbow the best combination of strong and pointy?] If you are close enough to use it, do! [Much safer than running.]

Wait, did you mean this kind?

2. Learned this from a tourist guide. [Why is a cop taking safety tips from a “tourist guide?] If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. [If you hand it directly to him, that will only enrage him, as there’s nothing a robber hates more than a cooperative victim.] RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights [they're really just red windows] and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.. [Do NOT do the Queen wave, or beauty pageant wave; passers-by will just assume you’re being friendly.] The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Never pull on this; it will blow up the car.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) [I tend to file my nails; is that still ok?] The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. [What if I use a pointy nail file? Then it’s like a weapon, right?]  

AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE..  If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, Repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! [Dare him to shoot you! Remember, he’s more scared of you than you are of him.] Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. [From a bullet?] If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. [I thought he was in the passenger seat?] As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location. [Your family would really appreciate it if you got shot in a parking lot, rather than the woods. That way they won’t get mud on their shoes when they set up the memorial.]

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
  • Be aware:  look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor [so it’s helpful that mine is full of trash, thus leaving no room for a serial killer?], and in the back seat.
  • If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. [FACT. That’s why they make vans, did you not know this?]
  • Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. [All men are rapists, unless of course they are wearing a badge.] IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) [And better a shut-in than the victim of a serial killer I just made up.]

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the  perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!) [All criminals are claustrophobic and sleep until 3pm.]

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times [They’ve done multiple studies on the shooting accuracy of bad guys, and they all fall into this average]; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ [just an artery]. RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern! [Employing jazz hands will further disorient the shooter.]

Worked for them.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. [Done and done.] It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. [I am ONLY sympathetic to Harvard men.] He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. [Except for the hitchhikers he picked up, and the home invasions. Other than those, he ALWAYS limped through mall parking lots.]

I'd hit that.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me [Is this still “written by a cop”?] that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird.. [Weird? Obviously she doesn’t live in my neighborhood.] The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door..' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. [That’s logical.] The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' [The kid can take care of himself.] He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. [Well, I’m glad I don’t live in that area. Wait, where was this again?]

10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack. [A muddy front yard in a neighborhood is a great place to attack someone.]

A great, sexy place.

Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbors! Please pass this on This e-mail should probably [probably] be taken seriously because the Crying Baby Theory was [never] mentioned on America 's Most Wanted  when they profiled the serial killer in  Louisiana. I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know [stupid, helpless little things]. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle.. [Huh??]

I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if [and only if] you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may [or may not] want to pass it onto them, as well. Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.. [Some bitches are just too carefree and need a little wake-up call, if you ask me.]

Stay safe, ladies!

For more like this, check out The Surprising Benefits of Lemon!