Google Something Clever 2.0: November 2011

Nov 26, 2011

What the Hell is Wrong With Kids' Shows?? (Part 1)

My kid watches a lot of TV. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and also lazy, so that means I watch a lot of kids' shows, too. If you've recently had a baby, perhaps you're wondering what you're getting yourself into. Of course you are. Luckily, I am here to guide you on what's wrong with children's programming. This will definitely take more than one lesson, but I can't expect you to read more than a few paragraphs at a time, so here's the first installment:

Wonder Pets

This show features three superhero classroom pets who can’t seem to stop singing for two friggin seconds. One of the main characters has a speech impediment. This show is intended for toddlers. Kids are probably learning how to talk from this show, and the stupid duck is teaching them to pronounce their R’s as W’s.

Dino Dan

Where do I begin? Obviously, the kid is schizophrenic. He hallucinates dinosaurs everywhere, and the whole town plays along with him. Also, I don’t think his father is real. It’s like Bobby Boucher’s father in the “The Waterboy”; he took off when the kid was born, and mom made up a fantastical story about him working at “the dino museum in Alberta.” Now the kid has an unnatural attachment to dinosaurs. Also, he pronounces half of the dinosaurs’ names incorrectly.

Busytown Mysteries

Was this drawn by a 10-year-old with limited fine motor skills?

Dora the Explorer/Go Diego Go

These two exist solely to make me hate the Spanish language. Why do they have to yell everything? Can Spanish only be spoken at top volume?

Bubble Guppies

This show would be better if the writers could remember that it’s supposed to be set under water. Every episode features things that make absolutely no sense under water, like leaves blowing around, or one character requesting that another one build him a house “with a pool.” A pool. Maybe it’s actually written by goldfish, who completely forget the plot every 8 seconds.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse

This show doesn’t make a lick of sense.  There is a flying robot mouse head named Toodles who brings them “mouseketools” to solve their problems, and then they say, “We got ears, say cheers!” Now you’re expecting me to explain all that nonsense in this sentence, right? Sorry, can’t. I’ve seen every episode 10 times and I still can’t make heads or tails of it. Also, I think Goofy is dating a cow.

Team Umi Zoomi

This show stars two cartoon kids and their cartoon robot – all of them miniature – interacting with live action humans. Every single human on the show is tied for the title of Worst Actor Ever. Not just because they’re kids. The cartoon kids are voiced by kids, and they’re great. And occasionally there’s a live-adult on the show, and they’re awful, too. Maybe they all got walk-on roles as part of a contest.

Roary the Racing Car

I’ve seen one episode of this show, but I’ve seen it 15 times, so I feel qualified to pass judgment. Rory got less airtime on this episode than Creed on “The Office”, so I’m not sure they named the show accurately. The plot of the episode I watched centers around Marsha, the office manager of a race track. When she overhears her colleagues describing her as bossy, she plans to throw herself in the ocean, but later changes her mind. At first, I thought I was reading too much into it, and she wasn’t really suicidal, until I saw that the title of the episode was “Marsha’s Wonderful Life.” WTF???

Check out Part 2 here.