Google Something Clever 2.0: December 2011

Dec 28, 2011

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People (on Facebook)

If you have too many people on your Friends list, but feel bad unfriending people, here are a few ways you can get them to drop you, instead.
  • Post a passive-aggressive jab at an unnamed friend: “You just don’t get it, do you? And you never will…”
  • Comment on someone’s status with something that has nothing to do with anything: “I passed the test!” “Hey can I have that recipe for brownies? Gramma is out of the hospital now and doing great. TTYL!”
  • Dare people to join your cause by doing something completely ineffectual: “I’m changing my profile picture to a photo of my favorite meat to fight world hunger. 83.7% of people don’t have the guts to do this.  Do YOU??”
  • Tell me about something mundane in a really exciting way:” OMG you guyz… Honey Comb for breakfast this morning!!!”
  • Share a polarizing article.  Do not comment on whether you agree or disagree. Let your liberal friends and conservative family start a flame war with each other over it. Don’t chime in, just watch: “Donald Trump Donating $1 million to NYC Shelters to Abort Unwanted Puppies – Via Huffington Post”
  • Comment on my status with unnecessarily vulgar language. Bonus points if my grandmother or ten-year-old cousin has already commented, and will therefore receive a notification: “Congratulations on winning that eBay auction, you silly cunt!”
  • Talk about that awesome thing you all did last night that you didn’t invite me to, complete with inside jokes: “Hahahaha @Steve @Kelly @John @Bobby @Beth @Amy @Kevin @Tom @Pete @Jeff @Carl,  remember when the bartender did that thing! EPIC!!! ‘I am the champion of the night!!!!’ Lulz”
  • Pretend that Facebook is Twitter: “Hate rush hour traffic. #slowgrannydrivers #toyotacamry #roadworkonthepike”
  • Add a middle/maiden name to your profile that is not your real name: “Cathy SoSexyYouKnowYouWantIt Anderson”
  • Spoil anything: “OMG Fringe was so good last night! Who would have thought Olivia was dead the whole time??? So glad I watched it live instead of DVRing like everyone else.”
  • Post a NSFW YouTube video with absolutely no warning: “Check out this cute kitten on YouTube” (kitten gets raped by a beagle in the last 10 seconds. Title of the video is “Puppy Love”)