Dec 31, 2012
Dec 25, 2012
Dec 19, 2012
At the top of the pyramid, you have Chocolate. The chocolate group is a very important component in a mother's diet. It provides smiles, short bursts of energy, and it's great for when you need to "eat your feelings." But you only need a moderate amount. A good rule of thumb is to only eat chocolate when your kids are sleeping. Follow that, and you should get just the right amount. Note: If you feel your blood sugar dropping, it is okay to sneak into the bathroom for an emergency Fun Size if needed.
The second food group on the pyramid is Cheese. Cheese is a valuable source of protein, calcium, and happiness. And there are so many varieties! Don't just limit yourself to the mozzarella your daughter peels off of her Chuck E. Cheese pizza. Other great sources of cheese include Combos, Handi Snacks, Cheetos and cheesecake. Throw some strawberry goo on top; it's got loads of vitamins.
Next on the pyramid is the Caffeine group. Some experts believe this may actually be the most important group; consult your physician or registered dietitian to determine your individual needs. Caffeine is instrumental in providing the energy your body needs to chase after younger children, and tolerate older ones. If you want to make your diet more efficient, try combining the Chocolate and Caffeine groups together in the form of dark chocolate-covered espresso beans.
The base of the pyramid, and the most crucial group in my expert opinion, is the Wine group.They say that a mother is the heart of the family. And you want that heart to be healthy, right? Wine provides a very important antioxidant... The name escapes me just now. I believe it's called relievitol? Something to that effect. Anyhow, grapes are good for you, and red wine is good for your marriage, so be sure to drink eight glasses a day, just like you've always heard.
I wish you all good health in the coming new year.
Dec 18, 2012
Dec 14, 2012
Dec 13, 2012
Here comes Jenn!
She’s the bride!
Oh my god, she’s so beautiful!
There she is!
What a dress!
I can’t believe how great she looks!
She’s so rad!
She’s the bride!
And oh! he’s such a lucky man!
How she glows!
This is the most wonderful wedding ever!
[Repeat four times, fade out]
Dec 11, 2012
"The winning photo submitter from each category will receive a prize valued at roughly $100,000,000,000 (a set of 4 handpainted Martini Glasses and free advertising on my blog for a month - a 150 x 150 size... and I'll help you design your ad if you need a little graphic help). The handpainted martini glasses will be worth a ton of money when I go loco like Van Gogh. Or Picasso. Or Cezanne. Whatevs... they will be priceless 'cause I made 'em."The other day, Mrs. Martini personally invited me to enter the contest. I'm not sure if she was assuming that I had a pretty tree, or an ugly one... I think it's mediocre. But she insisted, and I'm kind of afraid that she'll throw a martini in my face or sic her monkeys on me (remember that poor lady whose face got all eaten and shit?), so I relented. Behold, the Clever Family's Christmas tree:
|The definition of "meh"|
|He wasn't really all that "on board" at first|
So each year, we added four more ornaments- one each for me, him, and our two cats. (Yes, our cats get ornaments. We are those type of people.)
|I dunno, it looks like a cat toy.|
|Cats love bells...|
|... and birds.|
|Chevelle's first Christmas. Awww. Yes, they get gifts, too.|
|He is an 80's movie buff...|
|... from New England...|
|... and proud of it!|
|And although he doesn't like Christmas...|
|... he does love "A Christmas Story"...|
|.... like, a lot.|
|But did you know that I ♥ Hello Kitty?|
|This guy is just hilarious to me. Hilarious.|
|This guy, too.|
|And you've already seen this one. It's my favorite.|
The boy only has a couple, like I said. His first was a tiny version of those digital picture frames- it plays a slideshow of his baby pictures. His second Christmas, he was almost two, so he had "interests."
|Two interests, to be exact. "Yo Gabba Gabba" and robots.|
And now that he's a big boy who can choose his own ornaments, you can see that he's just your average almost-four-year-old boy...
|Who is obsessed with movies...|
|... that he's not even allowed to see yet.|
Dec 6, 2012
Santa flying a helicopter. What statement are you going for, exactly?
Dec 5, 2012
|Clearly, if I were pinning it, I'd try harder.|
I look at pictures of cute cats on Facebook all day.
I have my own, thank you very much.
|Grumpy Cat, meet Surly Cat.|
|Look at that E! It's perfect.|
|He let me win.|
|Shut up, it teaches... Cause and effect? I don't know.|
I feed him Stouffer's frozen lasagna for dinner.
Okay, I feed him frozen dinosaur nuggets. But they're all white meat, I swear!
|And SO GOOD with honey mustard.|
|Hahaha, he forgot all about it!|
|Who am I kidding? I stockpile Cadbury Eggs year-round.|
|Hey, I need some grownup interaction! @JennSmthngClvr|
Dec 3, 2012
Is there anything that I missed? Let me know in the comments. I should warn you up front that if it's a country song, or anything by Mariah Carey, you are dead wrong.
Nov 28, 2012
|My favorite ornament|
Please enjoy the following concrete evidence as to why Christmas music sucks:
“Little Drummer Boy”Okay, aside from the fact that you were so hard-up for a rhyme, you just ended every line with “pah-rump-a-pum-pum”… The highlight of this song is when a newborn smiled at you. Great job, you just wrote a song about the baby Jesus farting.
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”Ah yes, my favorite go-to classic for when I want to hear the transcript of Will Farrell date raping Zooey Deschanel in the showers at Gimbel’s.
“Jingle Bell Rock”How far off from the truth are you? This song is neither “Jingle Bells,” nor rock. I feel like Linda Richman on “Coffee Talk.” Discuss.
“White Christmas”Oh, go fuck yourself, Bing Crosby. You are from Tacoma. White Christmases look lovely on cards, sure, but have you ever had to clean that shit off of your car? No, you haven’t. You had rain, and then you were rich and probably had servants to deal with that. Snow is a nightmare.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”You all know how I feel about Santa. This song is the thinnest of the thinly-veiled ultimatums. “This dude is peering through the window right now, kids. Stop crying; he has Legos.”
“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”I used to like this song, because it was featured in my favorite Christmas movie, “Gremlins.” Then, stupid Mariah Carey spoiled it with her obnoxious showboating and dolphin-like high notes. Now, whenever I hear it (even the U2 cover), I think of her fat ass. Thanks, Mariah (also, how the hell did you snag Nick Cannon?).
“Feliz Navidad”“Hey, look at me, I’m cultured! I like this song that’s partially in another language.” Yeah, have fun with that.
“The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)”Oh hey, here are a bunch of clichés. If you’ve ever heard of Christmas, perhaps this song will feel nostalgic to you, and you’ll be compelled to love it. Here’s my version: “It’s snowing. I ran out of bows. Should I get a gift receipt? Crap, I forgot to get something for Uncle Carl. Snuggie? Maybe.” There you go, instant classic.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”Okay, we all get that it was really Daddy… All of us, except the kid singing it. What the hell is wrong with this kid? “What a laugh it would have been”? Seriously? You are under the impression that you witnessed your mother committing adultery, and you think it’s funny? This kid is severely messed up.
“Christmas Shoes”Oh, hellllll no. Have you heard this one? It’s this awful country song about a poor kid who can’t afford to buy his dying mother some purdy shoes to impress Jesus with. You know, since she’ll be seein’ him real soon. This song plays two sympathy cards, by using an imaginary poor kid/soon-to-be-orphan, and a lady who’s dying. “If you don’t like this song, you have no soul!” Fine, then. No soul it is.
Nov 27, 2012
It turns out they were hiring, and he was the assistant manager. He interviewed me, and I got the job. It was a great job, for someone with no expenses. They only paid minimum wage, which at that time was $5.45 an hour (this was in 1999). But here's the cool part: the discount was 40% off. Since I was 19 and still lived with my parents, clothing was pretty much the only thing I spent money on, anyway. I got along great with pretty much everyone who worked there. It was a small store, with a tight-knit staff. Those who didn't fit in didn't last long. I was soon promoted to "part-time assistant manager," which meant that I still worked full-time, but I didn't get any benefits. Lame, but I didn't care, because I was young and carefree.
The other assistant manager, the one who first interviewed me, introduced me to punk rock. Don't get me wrong; I knew The Ramones and The Clash and all that, but he was super into punk rock, and knew all the bands you've never heard of. We went to shows in Boston. I met the Dropkick Murphys before Jonathan Papelbon made them a household name.
|Don't I look healthy?|
Nov 22, 2012
|Pictured: The only reason to go to Rochester.|
Or you could just order it online.
Nov 21, 2012
Huh? This isn't that kind of blog! I know. I don't talk about it much, but I love doing my nails. I don't have fake nails, and I don't pay anyone to paint them. I do them myself, and I really enjoy it. It's like painting ten lovely pictures once a week. It's art. I've been all about it since I was around ten years old, save for a recess of approximately one year when my son was teething... He enjoyed chewing on my fingers, and the first time I noticed a chip of nail polish on his lip, I realized that I should probably lay off of it until that phase was over.
When I was a kid, I would spend hours on my nails. I'd use toothpicks or sewing needles to painstakingly draw little designs on them. As I got older, I didn't have that kind of time. I'd do one color, maybe a layer of glitter over them.
A couple of months ago, I stumbled upon a video on YouTube of a woman with an absolutely delightful accent showing the world how to do water marble nails. It is the coolest thing in the world, and not that hard (once you get the hang of it), but it does take a while, so I don't do them very often. It was so amazing to me the first time I saw it, I made my husband watch it when he got home from work. I figured that he'd roll his eyes and be all, "That's nice, dear," but he actually found it really interesting, too. Here she is:
But like I said, that shit is time-consuming. If you're lucky enough to have a kid who takes long naps, I highly recommend that you try it.
If you don't have a lot of time, but want another impressive nail polish trick, you need to try newsprint nails. I did them the other day prior to attending a party, and so many people commented on them. And here's the thing: I was a little tipsy when I did them, and they were far from my best work. That's how great they are: they're a show-stopper even when you half-ass them.
You will need:
- White (or really any light-colored) nail polish
- Base coat
- Top coat
- Rubbing alcohol
Nov 20, 2012
BlogoverThis is when you stay up until 3:00 in the morning writing, because it’s your only opportunity for “me time,” and you feel like shit the next day. And you didn’t even get drunk!
Systemic platform failureWhen you put too much time and effort into one platform (your blog posts, Facebook, Twitter, etc.) to the detriment of the others. It’s tough to entertain on every level all the time.
Blogger’s schizophreniaWhen your blog, Facebook page, Twitter handle and the name you comment under are all slightly different, and nobody knows who you are.
Irritable Spouse DisorderWhen your spouse “just doesn’t get it” and give you shit for being on your smartphone all the time.
Delusions of followersWhen you're all excited about suddenly get 20 new Twitter followers in an hour, and you don’t realize that they’re all just bots trying to sell you something.
Bloated inboxWhen you comment on a big-time blogger’s post and subscribe to the comments, hoping that they write back to you. The next time you check your email (approximately one hour later), you will have 139 messages. None will be for you.
Parental Attention Deficit DisorderWhat your kids do to your house while you’re busy trying to write.
Blogger’s wristThis is exactly the same as carpal tunnel syndrome, only there’s no worker’s comp.
Nov 19, 2012
It's from your dryer sheets. When you dry your laundry, be sure to throw the sheet in just before you turn the dryer on, and never on top of something you don't want stained. Think socks, underwear or towels.
And if you ever do get a real grease stain from food, try Dawn dishwashing liquid.