Google Something Clever 2.0: May 2012

May 31, 2012

The Surprising Benefits of Lemon!

One of my most popular posts was called "Written By a Cop For Our Own Safety." In it, I take down one of those ridiculous hoax emails your grandma likes to forward. I've had many requests for a sequel. Suspiciously, since I published it, I have received very few of these from my own older-lady email contacts. I would love to do a series, so if your great-aunt spends too much time on AOL, please go ahead and forward them to me at 

Prepare to be blown away by amazing information the medical community does NOT want you to read [because it's grossly irresponsible].

The surprising benefits of lemon!

Institute of Health Sciences, 819 N. L.L.C. Charles Street Baltimore , MD 1201. ["Institute of Health Sciences" appears to be an online "medical school," and is located in a different city than what's listed. Also, a street can very rarely register as a Limited Liability Company, due to the fact that it is a street.]

This is the latest in medicine, effective for cancer!

Read carefully & you be the judge. [Because doctors are terrible at that.]

Lemon (Citrus) [nice of them to throw some Latin in there for us] is a miraculous product to kill cancer cells. It is 10,000 times stronger than chemotherapy. [They figured this out by giving rats lemon juice intravenously. The rats reported that it hurt approximately 10,000 times worse than chemo, but smelled a million times more refreshing.]

Why do we not know about that? Because there are laboratories interested in making a synthetic version that will bring them huge profits.

You may know them by their supervillian name, Proctor & Gamble

You can now help a friend in need by letting him/her know that lemon juice is beneficial in preventing the disease. Its taste is pleasant and it does not produce the horrific effects of chemotherapy.

Pictured: Oncologist

How many people will die while this closely guarded secret is kept, so as not to jeopardize the beneficial multimillionaires large corporations? As you know, the lemon tree is known for its varieties of lemons and limes. [Personally, the lime is my favorite lemon.] You can eat the fruit in different ways: you can eat the pulp, juice press, prepare drinks, sorbets, pastries, etc... It is credited with many virtues, but the most interesting is the effect it produces on cysts and tumors. [Cysts & Tumors is a brand of iced tea, right? Arizona, Sobe, Cysts & Tumors?] This plant is a proven remedy against cancers of all types. Some say it is very useful in all variants of cancer. [So, it's proven as a remedy, and it may also be useful? This shit is amazing!] It is considered also as an anti microbial spectrum [that word sounds good, we'll use it without looking it up. It's a noun, right? Good enough] against bacterial infections and fungi, effective against internal parasites and worms [which is why the ancient Mayans always paired lime with their tequila], it regulates blood pressure which is too high and an antidepressant [the only thing worse than blood pressure which is too high, is blood pressure which is an antidepressant], combats stress and nervous disorders.

I just got it. "Spectrum" was a typo, right?

The source of this information is fascinating: it comes from one of the largest drug manufacturers in the world [you know the one], says that after more than 20 laboratory tests since 1970, the extracts revealed that: It destroys the malignant cells in 12 cancers, including colon, breast, prostate, lung and pancreas [What happened to "all types"? Oh, I get it, there are only 12 types of cancer]... The compounds of this tree showed 10,000 times better than the product Adriamycin, a drug normally used chemotherapeutic in the world, slowing the growth of cancer cells. [As part of an outreach program, the previous sentence was written by Caitlin Upton.] And what is even more astonishing: this type of therapy with lemon extract only destroys malignant cancer cells and it does not affect healthy cells.

Institute of Health Sciences, 819 N. L.L.C. Cause Street, Baltimore, MD1201 [Also, ZIP codes are 5 digits. KTHX]

May 17, 2012

Season Finale Affective Disorder

Although I mention season finales below, there are no spoilers.

I can't take too many more season finales. Yesterday, after watching the "Glee" finale, about halfway through the penultimate episode of "House" (sorry, always wanted to use that in a sentence), I noticed that I was feeling really depressed, and had been for a couple days.

They say that smiling can make you happy, and frowning can make you sad. Is it possible that watching all this tearjerking TV is throwing me into a funk? A few of my shows are ending this year, which means a five episode arc of sad. A lot of comedies even throw in a bittersweet moment or two towards the end of the season. I looked back and realized that lately, I've been watching almost nothing but shows that give me shiny eyes (it's not crying if it doesn't run down your face).

Just to name a few, "How I Met Your Mother," "Parks & Recreation," "Fringe," "Glee," "Harry’s Law," "House" and "Desperate Housewives" have all made me sniffle over the past week or so. It's too much! I feel like I did in the days after my son was born, when there were so many hormones running around inside me that I cried over a gift of chicken wings and my cat snubbing me.

I tested my theory by turning off the TV and reading a magazine. Within 20 minutes, my "depression" went away. Am I just a wuss who's sad about imaginary people, or is there real science behind this? Once I delete a show from my DVR, I'm done with it. I don't sit around pondering the results of show choir Nationals or alternate universes. But the feeling lingers.

I'm running another test. I'm going to watch the "House" finale next week with a big fake smile plastered on for the whole hour. I'll let you know how it works out.

May 10, 2012

Oh, Screw You, Time Magazine

I’ve got to address it. I know everyone and their mother (ha) is going to be writing about this for the next couple days, but what I have to say won’t fit in the comment box on someone else’s blog, so here it is.

I’m not even going to bother debating the supposed health benefits of breastfeeding a preschooler. I am not a doctor. What I am is the mother of a little boy roughly the same age as the poor kid currently gracing the cover of Time, so I do consider my opinion relevant.

What Time and Jamie Lynne Grumet are doing to that little boy is despicable. How dare they make him the poster child for old kids breastfeeding? He is nowhere near capable of consenting to that. I even get offended when I see children holding protest or campaign signs. They have no idea what you’re forcing them to do, and even if they were able to grasp the concept and weigh the issues, you can’t possibly guess what their opinion would actually be.

This boy has a whole life ahead of him, and he now has to live it forever in the shadow of that outrageous photo. The photographer as much as admitted that it was staged to be as sensational as possible: “I liked the idea of having the kids standing up to underline the point that this was an uncommon situation.” He may as well have said, “I wanted to freak out the squares and sell copies of this dying art form, screw the kid.”

The picture is all over the internet forever (I refuse to post it here). This kid has to go to school in a couple of years (scratch that; I’m sure his mom will home-school him so she can breastfeed him until he’s 13, at least). Eventually he will have to enter society. Would you date the man he’ll become? Honestly, I’d be too skeeved out. And think about dealing with Jamie Lynne every Christmas! Sure, there are people who support this breastfeeding-old-kids thing, but many, if not most people, think it’s weird and gross. They think Jamie Lynne is weird and gross. And now, through no fault of his own, that stigma has been passed on to her son, as well.

Whenever a debate on breastfeeding occurs, there are always people reminding us that this is between the mother and child, and none of our business. Time and Ms. Grumet have made it our business. They have invited us into the Grumets’ living room and encouraged us to judge. And so we will. But they have no business inviting us to judge the child. Unfortunately, now and forever, we all will.

I’m sorry, little guy. I hope you change your name- and possibly your nose, for good measure. I hope you get as far away from your mother as possible when you turn 18. And when you are 18, if you’d like to give a follow-up interview, the world will listen. Because this time, it will be your choice.

Mothers' Day Media Saturation

Mothers’ Day is fast approaching, and the internet has been lousy with gift ideas/articles making fun of gift ideas. As everyone knows, beating a dead horse is great cardio, so here’s my two cents:

Traditional Gift: Breakfast in bed. So, you want to wake me up by clanging pots and pans around at 7am, jump on the bed, feed me, and then I have to wash all the dishes, and the sheets? No, thank you.

What I’d Rather Have: Earplugs lovingly inserted in my ears after I fall asleep on Saturday night, followed by lunch in bed. At 2pm.

Traditional Gift: A trip to the spa. So, you want me to present myself to a bunch of perfect-looking 20-somethings while wearing nothing but a robe or towel, and invite them to critique my skin and body-hair challenges? Pass.

What I’d Rather Have: A couple of magazines, a bottle of not-really-from-Champagne Champagne, and a clean tub. Then, get the hell out of the house for a couple hours. If you insist that someone must rub my feet on my special day, I’ll let you do it yourself.

Traditional Gift: Appliances. Seriously, this still comes up! Just today, Consumer Reports posted a kitchen-related gift guide for moms on Facebook. Really, Consumer Reports? Really?!?

What I’d Rather Have: Why don’t you go ahead and test all the appliances we already have, you know, to make sure they’re working? Will the vacuum really pick up all the Goldfish and Craisins on the floor of my car? Go look into that.

Traditional Gift: Romantic weekend getaway with Dad.

What I’d Rather Have: Honey, I love you, but you’re not invited. I’ll just be sleeping all weekend anyway.

Traditional Gift: A necklace to commemorate all the sacrifices I’ve made for you.
What I’d Rather Have: My old boobs back. Make no mistake; those were the biggest sacrifice.

May 4, 2012

Moose and Zee Parents

In case there's someone out there who doesn't use Facebook (yeah, right), a brief explanation: Most businesses have a Facebook page that you can "Like." You will receive updates from them, just like when your friends post things. It's good for hearing about sales and coupons, or seeing when the new season of your favorite show premieres. You make a decision to seek out the page and click a button that says "Like." The screen will then tell you, "You like this." Got it? Ok.

There are people out there who are liking things that they hate and I don't know why. A cracker manufacturer will post, "Hey everyone! How's your Friday going?" and inevitably, four people will comment with, "Your crackers taste like ass." Here are a couple examples I pulled from my feed:

Also, they tend to have spelling, grammar and punctuation issues.

Why did you "Like" this page? It's so annoying to have morons like this cluttering your feed. This could not be more simple. Don't "Like" something if you don't like it! If you used to like it, and changed your mind, say, because a store never has the size your "daught" needs, or Christopher Meloni quit the show a year ago, you do have the ability to "Unlike" it and never hear from them again. This is like friending someone you hate and commenting on every status update with "Yor a jerk n ugly 2."

Nowhere on Facebook is this a bigger issue than the Nick Jr. page. If you're not a parent, or if you're a hippie parent with no TV, I'll give you some background. Nick Jr. is a basic cable channel with no commercials, aimed at preschoolers. The shows run uninterrupted for 22 minutes or so. For the next 8 minutes, until the next show airs, there are little interstitials about music and shapes and what have you. Until recently, many of these interstitials were hosted by a cartoon moose and bird called Moose and Zee. 

On March 1st, 2012, Nick Jr. revamped their format. They rearranged their schedule, cancelled a couple shows, premiered a new one, and killed Moose and Zee! Oh, hold on, I meant they stopped showing these characters on their channel. Not a huge deal. I noticed after about a week, and I think what went through my head was something like, "Hm. No more Moose and Zee." My three year old, who watches approximately 15 hours of Nick Jr. a day, didn't notice for a month. His comment was something along the lines of, "Hey, no more Moose and Zee... Look, an ant!... I want pretzels."

If you like watching people lose their damn minds on the internet, you owe to it yourself to check out Nick Jr.'s Facebook page. It got so bad that they had to remove fans' ability to post comments on their wall. This has not deterred them. They just comment on every single post, completely off-topic. Nick Jr. will post something like, "Happy Spring," "Check out Dora's new special on Saturday," or "Here's a free coloring page for your kids," and these people go ballistic on the comments. Observe:

Um, there's a button for that.

Love that she corrected her spelling of a non-word.

Her neck must hurt from all that SMH. I should point out that she's not agreeing with Jamilla's comment above; 
Jamilla comments 15 times on every single post. I guess her kid takes a lot of naps.

No TV programming is designed to appeal to a 15-month-old. TV is not recommended for kids under 2. PBS even states this on their website. Nick Jr. alludes to it on theirs- the activities are grouped by age, and none are recommended for kids under two. This woman has internet access; she doesn't live under a rock. There is literally no way she could avoid this information, unless all she does is watch Nick Jr. all day and not take her kid to a pediatrician.

You know who's like family to my kid? His friends. You know who isn't? The toaster.

Do you think the kid's parents know that when they entrusted their mother with their infant, 
she was parking him in front of the TV to develop his brand-new neck muscles? And again, I remind you, 
this woman is not a "paying Customer." Nick Jr. is not a premium channel.

Clarification: Nick Jr.'s old slogan was, "It's like preschool on TV." Please note the use of the word "like." 
You know why the slogan wasn't "It is preschool on TV"? Because TV isn't school.

I feel really terrible for this kid. If that's true, he's got serious problems. 
If it's not, well, this is his primary caregiver, so... yeah, he's got serious problems.

Please understand before you comment, I am not against TV. I am not against children watching TV. My child and I both watch a lot of TV. But I didn't lose my shit when they cancelled "Wonderfalls" (ok, maybe a little, but not like that), and I'm confident that my kid could watch the same show for ten hours a day and still wouldn't consider the characters to be his "family" or "best friends." That is just sick. If that's really happening, these kids must be getting absolutely no human interaction whatsoever.

All the energy these people are putting into ranting and complaining and starting petitions should be spend helping their children get over their deep psychological attachments to characters that were only on TV for a total of 8 minutes a day. How are you going to handle the actual loss and trauma that your children will undoubtedly face one day? What if they lose a grandparent, their (human) friends moves away, or you have to move? How will you handle that?

Pictured: the moment I lost all respect for

As you've seen here, it's impossibly easy to make fun of these whack-jobs. But think about it seriously for a moment. These people are in charge of small children. What are they learning from this behavior? What kind of adults will they grow up to be, watching their parents rant and rave over an imagined slight against them by a TV channel?

There is no getting through to these people. There are plenty of well-written responses to their comments by actual fans of Nick Jr., thoughtful parents who calmly point out that a show getting cancelled isn't the end of the world, that a for-profit corporation doesn't have to bow to the ravings of a few fringe lunatics on Facebook, that if you want to your child to learn, you should be teaching them, or failing that, paying a qualified educator to do so. It all falls on deaf ears. These comments are immediately bombarded with attacks, swears, even cries of "bully" (man, I'm getting sick of that buzzword).

Short of sending each one of these parents a "Your Baby Can Read" DVD and a pacifier, I don't know what we can do to shut them up. I wouldn't be surprised if Nick Jr. just deleted their Facebook page altogether. You know what would surprise (and disappoint) me? If they give in to their demands. People, it's a cable network, not the board of education. They owe you nothing. If you don't like it, don't "Like" it.