Happy Fourth of July! If you're having a party today, like I am, you will probably not have a great time. Your Evite still has 20 people who didn't reply, so you will definitely have either too much or not enough food. You will worry so much about everyone else having fun that you will forget to sit down, eat, drink or mingle. You will realize tomorrow morning that you forgot to serve the dessert you spent 5 hours making, and throw it away. You will discover a horrible mess someone neglected to clean up or even report to you, which is now dried up, stuck on, and permanently stained.
But above all that, you should be aware of the five fun-sucks who you probably invited. They will wreck your good time, if nothing else does.
Johnny Offer LatelyThis guy will text you four hours before the party to ask if he can bring anything, as if your menu hasn't been planned for two weeks. Does he genuinely want to bring something? Does he really think this offer is helpful? He probably didn't want to bring anything, but figured that if he offered at the last minute, he would still get Brownie points for being such a thoughtful guest.
The Gift Horse With Shitty TeethThis person will offer to bring something well in advance. She'll ask what to bring, and you'll suggest a side dish. She'll offer to bring you a tossed salad. So thoughtful! Yay! She will show up two hours late with an unwashed head of iceberg lettuce and a tomato. She will make a big production of handing them to you, so that you feel compelled to thank her twice. She will sit in your favorite chair and drink and laugh a lot while you make the salad for her, just so you can see what a good time she's having.
Lewis and ClarkThis couple will call you just as ten guests walk in the door. You will sit in your bathroom with your finger in your ear trying to hear them over the din. They will tell you that they think they're about fifteen minutes away, but they're not 100% sure, as they're completely and hopelessly lost. There are no discernible landmarks anywhere, other than what "looks like a store or something." They remember seeing a sign a while back for Route 20, or was it 2. You will spend 45 minutes on the phone with them, trying to pinpoint their location on Google Maps while they yell at each other. You will have to walk to the end of your street to collect them when they pull into their fourth wrong driveway.
The Little LambThe lamb cannot function in your home without direct supervision. She does not know where anything is, how anything works, or how to figure these things out on her own. When she walks in the door, she'll immediately ask where to put her coat, purse, and shoes. She will be sure to spread these out over three separate questions to maximize the amount of your time she wastes. She can't find the bathroom or the bottle opener. She needs to know if there is any pepper in the chicken dish. She is too hot, so she asks you to open the window for her. She's too cold, and would like to borrow a sweater, but doesn't know which door in your bedroom leads to the closet- is it the one she just walked through, or the other one? She is always standing right behind you, unless she's calling to you from another room while you're in the middle of a conversation. When she finally leaves, she will send your an unsolicited text to tell you that she's home safe, but she left her umbrella, so she'll be back tomorrow morning at 8 to pick it up.
Helpful HarryHarry has eaten more than his fair share of food, and somehow got the last serving of every single thing you put out. He got into your personal stash of good wine and drank all that, too. He took over your playlist, turned on the tv because the game was on, and yelled loudly at the players while everyone else was trying to play charades five feet away. He's a good guy, though, and you invited him to your home to show him a good time, so you let it slide. At the end of the night, Harry is one of the last guests still lingering the the living room. You are in the kitchen, dead tired, cleaning up. You've wiped down all the counters, picked up all the empties, and mopped up all the spills (which were probably mostly his). As you are putting the last dish into the dishwasher, he will saunter in and ask if he can help you with anything.
Kick him the hell out of your house.