You may have heard recently that there’s a cat in Alaska that’s celebrating his 15th year as mayor of a small town. First off, I must congratulate him for doing anything for 15 years; that’s quite a tenure for a cat.
It got me thinking about the possibility of political careers for my cats. Molly is absolutely not interested, because she is a princess, and princesses aren’t really involved with real government. But I convinced Chevelle to give me a candid interview on how she feels about the issues. I think she may have a real shot at the presidency in four years.
Yes, this is the same one who spite-poops
on the rug when she's mad at me.
What is your stance on abortion?
As I don’t have a uterus (because you had it removed), I feel that it’s not my place to judge. But if I have to, I would say, I’m for it. I remember when you got pregnant. I couldn’t sit on your lap for months, because it disappeared. Then you went away for three days, you bitch. When you came back, you brought that noisy little human with you. I guess I like him fine now, but he is still really loud. If I can prevent one cat from having their nap interrupted by a tiny human, I’ve done my job.
What are your plans for the economy?
I believe there should be two bowls in every kitchen, and a stuffed mouse on every living room floor.
How about gay marriage?
When you brought me home, you didn’t know my gender for nine days, until we went to the vet. You still loved me. I’m pretty sure it didn’t affect the guy down the street.
How would you approach the War on Drugs?
Dude, catnip… It’s not for me. I’ve tried it. Didn’t like it. If other cats want to try it in their own home, I have no problem with that. Just don’t run around town scratching other people’s shit.
Tell me about your thoughts on the environment.
You are a terrible human who will not let me out in the environment, so I really don’t give a fuck. It looks nice from the window, but what do I know?
What’s your stance on gun control?
What is a gun? [I tell her.] Holy shit, are you kidding me? That is fucked up! Why would you invent such a thing? I kind of don’t want to talk to you anymore. Weren’t you born with claws? What in the hell do you need a gun for?
What are your thoughts on health care?
Man, fuck the vet. That place smells funny and strangers are always touching me. I say, no health care.
What is your policy on immigration?
My people come from Egypt. It’s hot there, or so I hear. It’s nice to be in America, where it’s not as hot. But nobody worships us here… [I tell her about the Internet.] What? Why am I not a LOLCAT? Jesus Christ, I don’t even remember the question anymore. What exactly is a cheezburger? I think I want that.