Google Something Clever 2.0: Mom Porn

Jul 28, 2012

Mom Porn


I’m starting to feel like the only straight broad in the world who has zero interest in Mom Porn. Where did all of this come from? Everywhere I turn, bitches are losing their minds for “Magic Mike” and “50 Shades of Gray.”

As far as I can tell, it all started with moms who read their daughters’ copies of “Twilight.” I’m sorry, that is weird, lady. I’m not saying it’s just weird in general for adults to read books meant for children; I read the “Harry Potter” series and loved it. But “Twilight” isn’t literature. It’s an abstinence campaign disguised as a romance novel (or three, or five, or something).

 Then some sick lady in Australia decided ratchet up the nasty factor and rewrite “Twilight” for adults. That’s “50 Shades.” Since when is every damn housewife on Planet Earth secretly into S&M? What the hell? I mean, I guess I get it if you want to get pinched a little or whatever, but from what I understand, this book has some really disturbing stuff going on in it. A friend of mine saw it at Target (!) and was curious, so she opened it to a random page to see if it would offend her. Um. How can I put this delicately? What she read  was something involving a fist, but not punching. Are you kidding me? I know, I know, to each his own, but if you are actually into that, I truly believe that you have serious psychological problems.

Then we have “Magic Mike.” I have never heard of a male strip club anywhere near me, and I always assumed it was because there’s no market for that. Gentlemen, I’m sorry to break this to you, but your junk isn’t cute. It gets the job done, and we thank you for that, but it’s not something I would ever pay to look at. That’s why works of art almost never feature naked men. Hell, Michelangelo practically forgot to give David anything. As far as Channing Tatum goes, he doesn’t do it for me. He’s a fine looking young man, sure, but he’s so generic. He looks like a mannequin. I like a human with some character. Maybe that’s just me.

I never really understood why men liked porn, but I always figured it was because I’m not a man, and I just couldn’t think the way they think. But now we’re supposed to be getting into it, too? Is there something wrong with me, or am I just not interested because I’m not from the Midwest? I get the feeling that a lot of these ladies are from the Midwest, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because we here in New England are too buttoned-up. We burned women for showing ankles and emotions. Most of us are Irish, and our very biology prevents us from showing skin. Also, we don’t like to get too crazy over anything other than the Red Sox.

Survey time. Are you into Mom Porn, or not? And where are you from?