Google Something Clever 2.0: What the Hell is Wrong With Kids' Shows?? (Part 2)

Jul 16, 2012

What the Hell is Wrong With Kids' Shows?? (Part 2)



About 8 months ago, I wrote What the Hell is Wrong With Kids' Shows?? (Part 1). Now that my kid is a little older, and watching some new stuff, I have finally gotten around to writing Part 2.

Gaspard and Lisa

Gaspard and Lisa are the most codependent characters on TV. They cannot go five minutes without reminding someone that they’re best friends. And what the hell are these things? I thought they were dogs, but a recent episode centered around Gaspard trying to convince his parents to buy him a dog, so unless he meant a dog-slave…

Doc McStuffins

All I want to know about Doc is what her name is. Everyone on the show, from her parents to the neighbors, calls her Doc. Is she really named Doc, or is it a nickname? Either option is weird. Her mother is an actual doctor, so that’s got to be confusing when the kid next door makes a reference to her.  “Mom, can I have a sleepover with Doc McStuffins?” “Um, that depends. Do you mean the grown woman, or the kid who thinks her toys are real? You know what, either way, no.”

Mike the Knight

“Mike the Knight is a brave young hero,” says the theme song. Wrong. I’ve never seen this kid do anything even slightly heroic. He’s actually a selfish, rotten, annoying little brat, and two minutes before the end of each episode, somebody finally gets through to him about what a jerk he’s being. Then he says he’s “sorey,” because all children’s shows are made in Canada, and all is forgiven.

Franklin and Friends

There are now two Franklin shows. One is a regular cartoon, the other is this CGI reboot. They are both currently airing on the same channel, which is really confusing. I don’t care for either, but the new one is worse because they tried to make it hip by giving Franklin a catchphrase. The new Franklin says “coolio” all the time. As in, “Mother, you baked a pie for me to share with my friends? Coolio!” That makes the reboot even more square than the original (which is almost impossible to tell apart from Little Bear, by the way).

Animal Mechanicals

This show makes so little sense, if the boy told me about it without me having watched it myself, I would probably assume he was making it up. It follows five Animal Mechanicals, which I guess are robots, who save the day for other robot animal things. The team in comprised of a dinosaur, a dragon, a unicorn, a sasquatch, and a mouse. Their boss is an owl. This reminds me of when my son makes Iron Man, Luke Skywalker and a stuffed giraffe play together. They live in… I think it’s space? And there are like, these space islands that they live on, which can be connected by tracks? This show seems to have been created by employing the improvisational game “Yes, and….”

Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends

This show is not allowed in my house because it is gross. It's all about these creepy looking bugs who live in a bug foster home, I guess, because the "mother" is a spider, but her children are all different bugs. Bugs are gross. The first and only episode I’ve even seen featured a mushroom infestation in their home, which is possibly even grosser than bugs. I have to stop thinking about it now, before I start dry-heaving.

Little Einsteins

This show is about a diverse group of kids who cram classical music and fine art down your throat.  I dare any child to stay interested more than five minutes. I love to hate this show because of its roots in the Baby Einstein brand. Baby Einstein is this ridiculous collection of products that started with DVDs you’re supposed to show to infants. To make them smart. The reality is that “educating” a baby with DVDs will likely lead to language delays, which is absolutely hilarious because rumor has it Einstein didn’t speak until he was three. So I guess it works? Anyway, this show is obnoxious. Mozart won’t make your kid smart, and a kid who’s into classical music would be creepy.

Oswald

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Fred Savage was a really depressed ocotopus? Here is your answer. This show is where actors go when their souls die. Oswald is friends, or neighbors, anyway, with a penguin played by Squiggy. They go through the motions of their mundane lives, nobody has a particularly good or bad time, and few lessons are learned. If your kid ever sees you taking your Prozac in the morning and asks what it’s like, show him this.