Google Something Clever 2.0: I Hate My Personal Trainer

Aug 7, 2012

I Hate My Personal Trainer

After a couple months of working out (for the first time in my life), I’ve come to the conclusion that, tragically, I have no endorphins. I do not get a “rush” from exercise; it just hurts. I do not feel more energetic afterwards, just more hurty, and annoyed at my virtual personal trainer from “Your Shape: Fitness Evolved” for Kinect. I can’t even swear at her, because my son is usually “exercising” along with me (this mostly consists of his jumping and waving his arms while shouting encouraging things like, “This is hard work!” and “Shoulder presses are my favorite!” and “My knees don’t hurt.”

Here is what I’d like to ask Patricia (oh yeah, I named her Patricia) if I could:

Why do you hate my knees?

Every move in the “Perfect Butt & Thighs Workout” and the “Skinny Jeans Workout” seems to be geared at making me lose cartilage, not thigh fat. I have crappy knees, but seriously, when your right knee cracks on every single squat, there must be something wrong with your form, right? Not according to Patricia, whose only comments on my form are “Lower squats!” and “Deeper lunges! Great!”

If I needed five-pound weights to use this, why didn’t you include five-pound weights?

Seriously, lady, I got an exercise video game because I know nothing about exercise. What makes you think I have these things just lying around my house, like Betty Crocker cake mix expects you to have eggs and vegetable oil? I hope it’s okay that I use two cans of Chunky soup in place of the weights, because I’m not buying another damn thing. (Also, if you commenters are wondering if it’s a good idea to point out that if I didn’t eat Chunky Soup and cake, I wouldn’t need an exercise DVD… No. No, it’s not. You’re an asshole.)

Why do you assume I know anything about exercise, for that matter?

The first time I used this "game," I did two straight hours of cardio. I was practically paralyzed for the next four days. It took a lot of trial and error, Googling and advice from friends to learn that I should only do twenty or thirty minutes at a time, and follow it up with some strawberries and a cheese stick, not just four Advil and a shower. I still don't know if I should be doing cardio, toning, sculpting or what. For now, I'm just going with whatever hurts the most, because "No pain, no gain" or whatever...

How am I supposed to keep my back straight while bending over?

Come on, lady, is this just a glitch in your programming? Do you know how the human body works?

How am I supposed to keep in time to your movements when 70% of the moves have me bending over and looking at the floor?

Again, woman, humans don’t work that way. My eyes are on the front of my head, not the top.

Why don’t you notice my cats?

I know you see my cats when they wander past me; you make a cute little sparkly blue silhouette of them. Would it kill you to mention them once in a while? Something like, “Oh, you have a cat! Cats are great for stress.” It would really go a long way towards making me believe that you really care about me, Patricia.