Google Something Clever 2.0: OMFG Shut up!

Aug 4, 2012

OMFG Shut up!

If you want people stop reading what you write, right in the middle of a sentence, here a few word-bombs that will instantly make me unsubscribe, unfriend, unfollow, or otherwise unread anything you ever have to say ever again.

FML (fuck my life)

Awww, you don’t like your life? Go die, then. This acronym often follows a “complaint” about something utterly petty, like the line at Starbucks making you late for work. You can afford a five-dollar cup of coffee, and you have a job. There are lives worse than yours. Get over it.

Welp (used in place of “well”)

Do people think this is a real word? Or did they just enjoy mispronouncing “well” so much that they wanted the fun to continue in the minds of everyone who can’t experience their speech impediment in person? See also: “prolly” (used in place of “probably”)

FWIW (for what it’s worth)

“For what it’s worth” is a largely useless phrase to begin with. It’s the classy cousin of “not for nothin’.” If you don’t have the time or energy to type it, you don’t need to shorten it with an acronym. Just don’t type anything.

YOLO (you only live once)

And thank goodness for that, because I can’t deal with you much longer. This one is used to justify doing some dumbass thing that dumbass teenagers do (don’t take offense, kids; I used to be a dumbass teenager, too). The fact that you don’t get a do-over is actually a great reason not to do stupid shit, and wreck the one life you’ve got.

Butthurt (unnecessarily or overly offended)

Whenever I see this, I picture this guy. It’s just the dumbest thing anyone has ever said. Even dumber than “I like money.” Know that I pictured you typing this while mouth-breathing.

SMH (shaking my head)

If you can’t express yourself with words, you need to get off the internet. I don’t want to know what your head’s doing, what your hands are doing, or what faces you’re making. You might as well tell me you’re pouting and giving me a big thumbs-down (PAGABTD?).

DH,DS, DD, LO (dear husband, dear son, dear daughter, little one)

Congratulations. I now hate your entire family because of your description of them.

TL;DR (too long; didn’t read)

So, you’re smart enough to use a semicolon, but not smart enough to read anything longer than a Denny’s menu because it makes your brain feel all frowny-face? If you didn’t read something, the most succinct way to comment is as follows: