Google Something Clever 2.0: I Can Also Tell You How to Get to Carnegie Hall

Oct 22, 2012

I Can Also Tell You How to Get to Carnegie Hall

Enough with the TV-bashing, already. I grew up on TV. I mean tons of TV. And believe it or not, I actually learned from it.

Years ago, my future-husband’s cousin needed a ride from Massachusetts to JFK Airport in New York (long story on the “why”). I’d never been to New York City, so I tagged along. This was before smartphones, and maybe even Tom Toms, so all we had to help us navigate was a hopelessly confusing and inaccurate MapQuest printout. It got us most of the way there, since highways are hard to screw up, but once we got to the city, we were pretty lost.

We knew we had to look for a certain street in Queens, but where the hell was Queens? We drove past a sign that said something about the Bronx, so I leaned out the window and yelled “Yankees suck!” for good measure. Then I realized that the area looked familiar… Like, 704-Hauser-Street-familiar. 

“We’re in Queens,” I confidently announced. The pilot disagreed. So did our passenger. “We just passed a sign that says the Bronx; there’s no way we’re in Queens.” I sat back. A couple of minutes later, we drive past what I swear is Doug and Carrie Heffernan’s house. “I’m telling you guys, we are in Queens!”  For some reason, the guys didn’t trust my TV-logic, but they did trust the “Entering Queens” sign the showed up about ten seconds later.

So now it’s clear that I am an expert on NYC because I have watched a bunch of shows set there.  Well, clear to me, anyway. We’re running late and getting pretty nervous. Then we come upon some confusing signs. It seems that there are two different expressways that lead to the airport: the JFK Expressway and the Van Wyck Expressway. Why are there two? Which one is faster? We’re all arguing and freaking out a little because the exits are coming up, and I calmly, authoritatively instruct future-husband to take the Van Wyck. “I know this. Trust me. I know this.”

Five minutes later, we arrived at the airport, in time for the flight. That’s when I told them how I knew to take the Van Wyck: Because that’s how Elaine Benes got to JFK in that one episode of Seinfeld. So there.

By the way, the one thing TV didn’t prepare me for is that JFK is nowhere near the Statue of Liberty or Times Square or any of that stuff. I couldn’t even see any buildings. Lame.