Google Something Clever 2.0: MWF Looking for Non-Slutty Costume

Oct 18, 2012

MWF Looking for Non-Slutty Costume


I have never been one for slutty Halloween costumes, probably because I’m not a slut. But I recognize that many, many women buy them. My friends have a huge Halloween party every year, and there is always a gaggle of slutty cops or slutty referees in attendance.

I’m not going to get into why someone might want to pretend to be a stripper one night a year. I don’t get it and I don’t care. What I do care about is the slutty costume industry encroaching on the rest of us. Go ahead and make slutty costumes if you want, but please, stop slutting up all the regular costumes! It is damn near impossible to find a non-slutty costume anymore.

The sluttiest costume I ever wore.  It's Britney, bitch!

I mentioned recently that I’m half-assing my costume this year by purchasing a dress, rather than making one. I’m going as zombie Alice (as in “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”). If you haven’t done your research, Alice is a seven-year-old girl.

I went to my local Halloween store looking for an Alice dress. They had one. It was slutty.

I went to the party store. They had two. Two different varieties of slutty.

Come on.

I went online. I tried three different search terms. I found at least ten different varieties of lingerie purporting to be costumes of a character who is seven years old

What. The. Fuck?!

Please explain yourselves, costumezone.com

There are exactly three adult-sized Alice costumes in the world that are not slutty. One is a replica of the dress from that Johnny Depp movie, which is just as inaccurate as a negligee. The other two look like they’re from that show about Hutterites. Luckily, I’ll have to deconstruct my costume anyway to make it zombieish, so I just got one of the dumpy Little House on the Prairie style ones.

These costumes don’t even admit that they’re slutty, that’s what really kills me. Sometimes they’re called sexy, but even that’s rare. The slutty Alice costumes I found were called “Alluring,” “Charming,” “Enchanted,” “Sassy,” “Cute,” “Fantasy” and “Wicked.”

Costume manufacturers, get your act together. Please recognize that some of your customers may be old ladies, or tall minors, or just people like me, who are not particularly skanky. I promise, if you make it, we’ll buy it.