Google Something Clever 2.0: Christmas Music Sucks

Nov 28, 2012

Christmas Music Sucks

Christmas music is awful. Can we all agree on that? Why can't Devo write a Christmas song?

My favorite ornament

Please enjoy the following concrete evidence as to why Christmas music sucks:

“Little Drummer Boy”

Okay, aside from the fact that you were so hard-up for a rhyme, you just ended every line with “pah-rump-a-pum-pum”… The highlight of this song is when a newborn smiled at you. Great job, you just wrote a song about the baby Jesus farting.

“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

Ah yes, my favorite go-to classic for when I want to hear the transcript of Will Farrell date raping Zooey Deschanel in the showers at Gimbel’s.

“Jingle Bell Rock”

How far off from the truth are you? This song is neither “Jingle Bells,” nor rock. I feel like Linda Richman on “Coffee Talk.” Discuss.

“White Christmas”

Oh, go fuck yourself, Bing Crosby. You are from Tacoma. White Christmases look lovely on cards, sure, but have you ever had to clean that shit off of your car? No, you haven’t. You had rain, and then you were rich and probably had servants to deal with that. Snow is a nightmare.

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”

You all know how I feel about Santa. This song is the thinnest of the thinly-veiled ultimatums. “This dude is peering through the window right now, kids. Stop crying; he has Legos.”

“Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”

I used to like this song, because it was featured in my favorite Christmas movie, “Gremlins.” Then, stupid Mariah Carey spoiled it with her obnoxious showboating and dolphin-like high notes. Now, whenever I hear it (even the U2 cover), I think of her fat ass. Thanks, Mariah (also, how the hell did you snag Nick Cannon?).

“Feliz Navidad”

“Hey, look at me, I’m cultured! I like this song that’s partially in another language.” Yeah, have fun with that.

“The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)” 

Oh hey, here are a bunch of clich├ęs. If you’ve ever heard of Christmas, perhaps this song will feel nostalgic to you, and you’ll be compelled to love it. Here’s my version: “It’s snowing. I ran out of bows. Should I get a gift receipt? Crap, I forgot to get something for Uncle Carl. Snuggie? Maybe.” There you go, instant classic.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

Okay, we all get that it was really Daddy… All of us, except the kid singing it. What the hell is wrong with this kid? “What a laugh it would have been”? Seriously? You are under the impression that you witnessed your mother committing adultery, and you think it’s funny? This kid is severely messed up.

“Christmas Shoes”

Oh, hellllll no. Have you heard this one? It’s this awful country song about a poor kid who can’t afford to buy his dying mother some purdy shoes to impress Jesus with. You know, since she’ll be seein’ him real soon. This song plays two sympathy cards, by using an imaginary poor kid/soon-to-be-orphan, and a lady who’s dying. “If you don’t like this song, you have no soul!” Fine, then. No soul it is.