Google Something Clever 2.0: A Playlist For Christmas-Haters

Dec 3, 2012

A Playlist For Christmas-Haters


Recently, I told you that I hate Christmas music. But that’s not entirely true. There are a few songs I like. Perhaps you have a bummer like me in your family who will be celebrating Christmas at your house, and you need to know what songs to play so that they don’t flip out and throw your tree out the front door. I’ve got you covered. People who hate Christmas music will usually make exceptions for songs that are performed by their favorite artists. Personally, I also like to throw in a few melancholy songs so that I can properly wallow in my Christmas-hating. Many of these songs fulfill both requirements at once. Here’s the Clever Family’s Christmas playlist:

“Last Christmas” by Wham!

Dude, it’s Wham! That’s hilarious. You can put on your own little show where you sing along and over-emote every lyric. Fun.

“The Twelve Pains of Christmas” by Bob Rivers

I’m not sure how well-know this song is. Maybe it’s just a local hit in Massachusetts. I hope you know it. It’s exactly what it sounds like, and it’s fun to shout random lines from it in Target and see who “gets it.” I do that a little too often.

“Christmas in Hollis” by Run-DMC

It’s a Run-DMC song that happens to have sleigh bells in it. Rad.

“Christmastime” by the Smashing Pumpkins *

A beloved band who is also depressing. I mean, for the love of eyeliner, they have a double album called “Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.”

“Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses

I will listen to anything these people put out, even the theme song for a god-awful sitcom starring a transvestite donkey witch.                                                                                                                                 

“Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)” by the Ramones

I don’t really need to do any selling for this one, right?

“Christmas Time is Here” by the Vince Guaraldi Trio

Classic and a complete downer. It makes me want to lie on top of a doghouse and contemplate the meaning of life.

“12 Days of Christmas” by the bird and the bee

Man, do I love me some bird and bee. They make everything better. Did you know they put out an entire album of Hall & Oates covers? And it is brilliant.

“What Christmas Means to Me” by Stevie Wonder

Stevie is the happiest guy in the world. I have never seen him not smiling. If he can’t make you wiggle your butt a little bit while you’re basting that turkey, I’m afraid there’s no hope for you.

“2000 Miles” by the Pretenders

I’m not a huge Pretenders fan, but they are really good at being depressing. This song is a great example. I guarantee you’ll heave a deep, satisfying sigh before Chrissy even starts singing.

“Jingle Bells” by the Brian Setzer Orchestra

Don’t pretend you didn’t love that brief resurgence of swing music in the late 90s. Shh, it’s okay. We all did.

Is there anything that I missed? Let me know in the comments. I should warn you up front that if it's a country song, or anything by Mariah Carey, you are dead wrong.

*Yes, The Smashing Pumpkins. They’re not talking about vandalism; they’re talking about gourds that a British person really likes.