I need to warn you before you start reading this. I am going to make light of some very serious shit in this post. It’s not that I’m insensitive; in fact, I’m too sensitive, and I need to somehow spin all the tragedies of 2012 into laughs.
That’s a weird coping mechanism, I know. But I think some of you will appreciate it. Some of you will not, and I get that. I’m not going to make any gross Sandusky jokes, or anything, but if anything awful that happened this year hit you a little too close to home, you may not want to read this post.
Don’t worry; I won’t go as far as Daniel Tosh did. Also, please note that this is a very link-heavy post. You need only click on the links if you don't understand one of my references; they are all total bummers.
Without further ado… What did we learn from 2012?
We learned that there is a man named Todd Akin (what a douchey name, we should have known) who makes up his own crazy science that is even more bananas than Jesus riding on a dinosaur.
We learned that Rick Santorum makes his children kiss dead fetuses (fetii?).
We learned that black teenagers may not wear hoodies (for their own safety), and they must use a hot comb if they want to earn that Olympic medal. Make a note of it, kids.
We learned that the name “Sandy” is baaaaaaaad luck. I mean, really bad. I bet nobody names their kid Sandy for the next 40 years. (No links necessary.)
We learned that the North Koreans are experts on rockets and unicorns. If you’re a three-year-old with a sticker collection, North Korea is just the boss right now.
We learned that Sikhs are not Muslims, although you really shouldn’t kill either one. But, you know, just saying… They’re not Muslims. Does that clear everything up?
We learned that most Americans think that the Joker had orange hair. It was green, assholes.
We learned that you can, in fact, be gay while wearing a wedding dress. At least, more of us learned that. I hope the rest of you figure it out soon.
We learned that some people didn’t know the difference between Ving Rhames and Michael Clarke Duncan, but now they will. I’ll think of you every time I smell me some corn bread, Big Mike.
We learned that everyone has an international musical kryptonite. Some of us can’t stand that Canadian girl. Some of us are fed up with that Korean guy. We’re all pretty sure that Lana Del Rey is American, although she seems vaguely Eastern European… And we hate her most of all.
We learned that that age-old stereotype is true: Italians are the worst cruise ship captains. I’m sorry, is that racist?
We learned that you can make anything hilarious if you try hard enough… Even a review of a binder on Amazon.
We learned the meanings of the phrases “fork lift foot” and “glitz pig,” thanks to the defining person of America 2012: a morbidly obese toddler (not that one that smoked; he was Indonesian and that was 2010).
And there you have it. 2012 pretty much sucked. I hope you come into 2013 a little drunk, with fabulous hair. Happy New Year from Jenn, Molly, Chevelle, the husband and the boy. I love you guys.