Google Something Clever 2.0: Ugly Christmas Decorations

Dec 6, 2012

Ugly Christmas Decorations

I’m not a Christmas fan. I’m trying hard not to hate it, for my son’s sake. I could probably start a whole new side-blog about all the Christmas things that drive me nuts, but I’ll just focus on one today: Bad Christmas decorations.

First, let’s discuss the net lights. Have you seen these? It is a net of lights. Supposedly, you can just throw it over a shrub and get the same magical effect you would by painstakingly draping a string of lights over each and every branch, but without all the fuss. Um, no. Perhaps, if you got a large net for a small bush, and made sure to tuck the corners in just so, you could pull it off. But then, you’re still stuck with the tell-tale perfectly even spacing. The thing is, nobody does this. Everyone gets the smallest net they can find (I’m assuming it’s to save a few bucks) and throws it on a bush that’s way too big. Now, we can see the obvious edge and corners. It just looks awful. Here’s the thing about Christmas lights: they’re not mandatory. If you don’t have the time or the patience to do a good job, just don’t do it. Nobody’s making you. I’ve never passed an undecorated house and thought, “What’s up with those lazy slobs?” But I do think that all the time when I see half-assed decorations. If you don’t have the inclination to wrap a 50-foot wire around a bush four times, maybe Christmas lights aren’t for you.

Then there are the giant 1950’s colored lights (they’re called C9 or C7 bulbs). These things are gross. My guess is that the people who put these up are nostalgic for a time when technology was in its infancy, for some reason. I’m thinking they’re the same people who have an MP3 of an old-fashioned phone ringing on their iPhone. There’s a time and a place for nostalgia. I like to watch the old “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer” special, too, guys. But I watch the remastered high-def version on my 50” TV. Get some 21st century lights, already.

And let’s not forget the nonsensical and the straight-up trashy decorations. Usually, these are inflatable. I’m not saying all inflatables are trashy, although I will say they’re not for me. But some are kind of cute. You know what isn’t cute?


Santa flying a helicopter. What statement are you going for, exactly?


Snoopy on a motorcycle. Huh? Oh, but he has a Santa hat, so that makes it okay.


And what’s this? A god-damned golfing moose. In what culture is this a symbol of Christmas? Please tell me, so that I can be sure to never visit in December.


Here’s a four-foot tall Dora dressed as Santa, for those who want to let their neighbors know that “Yes, we will buy literally anything our kids demand.”


And here is a dolphin holding a gift, for those who wish to cause traffic accidents in front of their home by forcing all passers-by to do a double-take on an icy road. But the ultimate worst inflatable I’ve seen has to be...


Santa in a hunting blind, with an absolutely terrified reindeer below. I desperately need you to know, if you put this thing in your yard, you are a terrible person.

I’m getting too worked up. I don’t think I can talk about this anymore.  Merry Christmas to you all, and if you’re going to decorate your lawn this year, please, I beg of you, don’t make it look like shit. Thank you.
If you want to buy any of the awful decorations featured here, you can do so at HomeDepot.com. Also, I kinda hate you.