This year, I spent the Super Bowl the way I've always wanted: alone, skipping through all the football and watching every commercial. I can't stand football, but the ads are awesome. I usually attend or host a party and try my best to watch all the commercials, but there's always some dude yapping about touchdowns or squares or some other such nonsense, and I can't really concentrate.
Last year, the ladies all congregated in the kitchen drinking wine while the men watched the game in the living room. They were supposed to alert us when the ads came on, but failed for the most part. Nice priorities, boys.
Tonight, my husband went to a party and I DVRed the game. After I put the boy to bed, I got to watch the ads on my terms. I now present the most notable ones to you.
Gillette Fusion ProGlide Styler- Masters of Style
Behold, the first grooming tool specifically designed to make you look like a hipster rapist.
Pepsi - King's Court Super Bowl
I wish Ms. Franklin had sung, instead of that broad who was not Ms. Franklin, but I suppose she’s busy with her wedding plans. I also wish that Sir Elton would wear those shoes every day. A certain blogger friend agreed to let me use the Super Bowl Commercial topic today, and was hoping for a shout-out for her pal Flav. I will say this about that: excellent casting.
Hyundai Veloster Turbo- Cheetah
A cheetah’s top speed is 64 miles per hour.
Usain Bolt is a human record holder with a top speed of 27 mph.
The Bugatti Veyron’s top speed is 253 mph.
The lessons I have learned from this commercial are as follows:
1. The Veloster is unimpressive
2. That guy is gonna die
Bud Light Platinum
If I ran that weird dot-com, I would absolutely allow my employees to drink Bud Light on the job. It’s a great way to keep them hydrated, and it contains less alcohol than a Butter Rum Lifesaver.
Best Buy- Phone Innovators
Yay, Alec Baldwin reference!
Volkswagon- The Dog Strikes Back
Holy shit, my three-year-old is going to love this commercial. And it has nothing to do with the dog. Not only was he addicted to the “Vader Kid” commercial for months, but “Get Up Offa That Thing” is one of his favorite songs. Most kids like St. Bernards. Mine likes space dictators and James Brown. Fine by me.
H&M- David Beckham Bodywear
Poor Becks. Four years in the California sun and nobody thought to tell him to put some sunblock on that pasty British face.
That would’ve been better if the bear Tebowed.
Doritos Sling Baby
Every year, I forget this, and every year, I’m reminded by Super Bowl commercials: Doritos are for dicks. If you are a dick, Doritos wants your business. If not, go eat a carrot, hippy. (I will not discuss the dog/cat one, except to say that Doritos’ ad writers are clearly dicks, too.)
I’m so over you, E*Trade baby. You’ve got to be at least seven by now.
Oikos Greek Yogurt- The Tease
I would love to headbutt John Stamos like that. Unfortunately, I can’t find the official transcript, but if you Google it, you’ll see that he once confessed to Jane magazine that he facilitated a rape.
Acura NSX- Transactions
I love Seinfeld and I don’t care who knows it! These remind me of those American Express ads he used to do in the 90s. How great was it to see the Soup Nazi again? And the only midget who doesn’t freak me out (although he should), The Man From Another Place!
Honda CRV- Matthew’s Day Off
Sheer perfection. They included all the right references, from the museum to the valet. I truly believe John Hughes would be proud.
Such a great cast. I feel like they could have done more with this.
Kia Optima- A Dream Car. For Real Life.
The aforementioned three year old absolutely loves Kia commercials. The rapping hamsters, the dancing hamsters, Muno and the Sock Monkey… I’m actually planning on buying a Sorento soon, and I’m pretty sure it’s because he talked me into it. Now, I love Mötley Crüe as much as the next guy, but this ad is not very kid-friendly. And hey, isn’t that the same pouty underwear model from the Teleflora commercial earlier?
Career Builder- Business Trip
Same as the E*Trade baby. It was cute the first time. Now drop it.
Samsung Galaxy Note- Thing Called Love
That is a party that I would love to attend… Except someone had to let all those iPhone kids in.
Go Daddy- The Cloud
I still don’t know what Go Daddy does, other than produce awful Super Bowl commercials. I can’t imagine where they’re getting all this money that they piss away every year. Maybe it works in a roundabout way, by people Googling “what the hell is go daddy and why are their commercials so terrible,” and then clicking on the sponsored result at the top… Let me check… No. I don’t get it.
I will leave you with a commercial I saw online a couple weeks ago and was really looking forward to. It never aired. I don’t know why; it would have been the best ad of the night.
Volkswagon- The Bark Side