I do not like lady shit, and I’ll tell you why.
Designer purses (oh, excuse me, handbags)
Fucking why? You cannot tell me that any designer purse is better looking, or more well-constructed, than a Merona purse from Target. Target purses are way cuter. And a lot of them have lights in them. Um, did you read that? LIGHTS IN THEM! So you can find your shit in the car and whatnot! Once, I totally splurged on a purse at Target, when I had a gift card. I paid over twenty dollars! Twenty-five, to be exact. Bitches, please tell me why you are paying hundreds of dollars for purses.
Getting my nails did
Correct me if I’m wrong, but today’s lady loves her some crafts projects, and everyone loves attention. Why wouldn’t you want to create a crafts project that you could wear on the ends of your fingers, for the whole world to see? I got so crazy into nails when I was 12, I would use toothpicks to recreate Van Gogh’s Starry Night on them [small exaggeration]. If you have trouble painting your nails, please email me and I will tutor you. Do not pay some stranger a redonk amount of money to do it for you! As for fake nails, OMG why again. I had that done once. I was in a wedding, and all the bridesmaids were getting them done together, all matchy-matchy, and I didn’t have to pay. So of course I did it. It felt so weird and wrong having chunks of plastic super-glued to my hands, but whatever. Then I removed them a few days later. THE HORROR! My nails are already razor-thin (great for scratchin’), so after I ripped those things off, they were, I shit you not, tissue paper thin. I had to keep them cut down to the quick for a couple months until I grew a completely new set. Who the fuck is doing this full-time???
I don’t get it. “It’s like a thing, where, like, you can share ideas, with your friends and stuff.” Um, yeah, I have Facebook. “No, but, like, you can keep track of neat things you like, to buy later?” I have an Amazon Wish List. “But let’s say you want to keep, like, recipes and craft projects handy…” I can email myself. Even create a separate folder. You may as well try to convince me that quilting is rad, for how many fucks I give about Pinterest.
AdeleI am a grown-ass woman. I have no breakups to cry about, and even if I did, I would use the same song I’ve been using since seventh grade: “The End” by The Doors. This week, I finally heard two of Adele’s songs, and they are boring and repetitive.
Shoes are what The Man uses to keep your toes oppressed. You know how those broads burned their bras back in the 60s or something? Same deal. If humans were meant to have shoes, we’d be born with them. If humans were meant to wear high heels, then fuck, why not just make Donald Trump president? Shut up, that makes total sense in my head. The point is, I have met one pair of heels in my life that I think are pretty. I’ve worn them to two weddings and I take them off before the bride and groom arrive at the reception.
No, sir, I just don’t like it. When people describe chardonnay, they use the adjectives "buttery" and "oaky." When Eliot from Jordan’s Furniture describes a leather sectional and coffee table combo, he uses these same adjectives. I don’t want my wine to taste like a living room, thank you.
What lady things have I left out? Please comment and I will follow up with why I hate them, too.