Google Something Clever 2.0: April 2012

Apr 28, 2012

I'm Not a Lady; I'm a Broad.


I do not like lady shit, and I’ll tell you why.

Designer purses (oh, excuse me, handbags)

Fucking why? You cannot tell me that any designer purse is better looking, or more well-constructed, than a Merona purse from Target. Target purses are way cuter. And a lot of them have lights in them. Um, did you read that? LIGHTS IN THEM! So you can find your shit in the car and whatnot! Once, I totally splurged on a purse at Target, when I had a gift card. I paid over twenty dollars! Twenty-five, to be exact. Bitches, please tell me why you are paying hundreds of dollars for purses.

Getting my nails did

Correct me if I’m wrong, but today’s lady loves her some crafts projects, and everyone loves attention. Why wouldn’t you want to create a crafts project that you could wear on the ends of your fingers, for the whole world to see? I got so crazy into nails when I was 12, I would use toothpicks to recreate Van Gogh’s Starry Night on them [small exaggeration]. If you have trouble painting your nails, please email me and I will tutor you. Do not pay some stranger a redonk amount of money to do it for you! As for fake nails, OMG why again. I had that done once. I was in a wedding, and all the bridesmaids were getting them done together, all matchy-matchy, and I didn’t have to pay. So of course I did it. It felt so weird and wrong having chunks of plastic super-glued to my hands, but whatever. Then I removed them a few days later. THE HORROR! My nails are already razor-thin (great for scratchin’), so after I ripped those things off, they were, I shit you not, tissue paper thin. I had to keep them cut down to the quick for a couple months until I grew a completely new set. Who the fuck is doing this full-time???

Pinterest

I don’t get it. “It’s like a thing, where, like, you can share ideas, with your friends and stuff.” Um, yeah, I have Facebook. “No, but, like, you can keep track of neat things you like, to buy later?” I have an Amazon Wish List. “But let’s say you want to keep, like, recipes and craft projects handy…” I can email myself. Even create a separate folder. You may as well try to convince me that quilting is rad, for how many fucks I give about Pinterest.

Adele

I am a grown-ass woman. I have no breakups to cry about, and even if I did, I would use the same song I’ve been using since seventh grade: “The End” by The Doors. This week, I finally heard two of Adele’s songs, and they are boring and repetitive. 

Shoes

Shoes are what The Man uses to keep your toes oppressed. You know how those broads burned their bras back in the 60s or something? Same deal. If humans were meant to have shoes, we’d be born with them. If humans were meant to wear high heels, then fuck, why not just make Donald Trump president? Shut up, that makes total sense in my head. The point is, I have met one pair of heels in my life that I think are pretty. I’ve worn them to two weddings and I take them off before the bride and groom arrive at the reception.

Chardonnay

No, sir, I just don’t like it. When people describe chardonnay, they use the adjectives "buttery" and "oaky." When Eliot from Jordan’s Furniture describes a leather sectional and coffee table combo, he uses these same adjectives. I don’t want my wine to taste like a living room, thank you.

What lady things have I left out? Please comment and I will follow up with why I hate them, too.


Apr 26, 2012

Parents with Infants Parking



Before having a kid, when you see those infant parking spots at the grocery store, you either think, “Ooh, I can’t wait to use those,” or, “What the hell, they chose to have a kid. It’s not like they’re handicapped.” Doesn’t matter. When you have a kid, you will use one the first time you go to the store with the baby. 

You will appreciate the shorter walk to the door. You will buy a whole cart’s worth of groceries, bring it back to the car, strap the baby in, unload all your purchases, and then realize that the cart corral is 1000 feet away and your baby is in the car. You now have a few options:
  1. Leave the baby alone in the car while you return the cart, and risk having it taken by a carjacker/kidnapper/social services
  2. Abandon the cart, thereby inconveniencing the weird loner teenager or mentally handicapped 70-year-old whose job it is to collect it
  3. Unload the baby (which is a bitch to do) and bring him with you on the long walk to return the cart. Oh yeah, and it’s always cold and rainy when this happens
  4. Over time, cultivate a relationship with the cart collector so that he recognizes you and comes running to personally collect your cart every time you shop
Notice anything? There is no good option here. Those infant parking spots are useless. They were designed by someone who clearly loves babies and respects their caretakers very much, but has never actually met either. Probably one of those creepy, barren doll ladies from the Home Shopping Network. Thanks for your support, lady, but… FAIL.

Apr 25, 2012

Stuff I Hate


I'm going to rant now. If you hate these things, too, then we are friends. Please comment and let me know what I forgot. I was going to wait until I had a list of ten things I hate, but I got too angry at the other nine to wait any longer.

Benches with dividers

Have you seen these? Park benches that have random railings in the middle that are clearly not armrests, but homeless-people deterrents? How selfish is that, that some city bench designer (I don’t know) thinks that sitters have more rights than those who need a spot to sleep that’s 18 inches off the cold ground? If I was a superhero, I’d get a bolt cutter or jaws-of-life and go around removing those stupid things.

French pedicures

Oh my god, these are gross. I have no problem with feet or toenails. I wear flip-flops from March through November, and that’s only because it’s illegal to be barefoot sometimes. I don’t really care for French manicures for myself, but I get it. You’re accentuating the length of your lovely nails. Fine. But on toenails? You’re trying to show off how long your toenails are? That is disgusting! If you have more than a millimeter of white at the end of your toenail, you need to cut them.

Spider and bat defenders

Yes, I know they kill other bugs. That doesn’t mean I have to like them. Am I supposed to love Jack Ruby because he shot Lee Harvey Oswald, too? Bats are the worst creatures on Earth, because they will get caught in my hair if given the chance. Yes, they will, shut up. And spiders go from birth to death with one mission in mind: they want to touch your face. Entering your mouth, nose, or ears would be an awesome bonus. Don’t kid yourself.

Windchimes

That is not music. It’s not. Just because the sound of these things clanking together happens to make different notes that form a chord (if you’re lucky), it doesn’t make them music. It’s no closer to music than the sound of the recycling guy dumping my bin full of assorted empty wine bottles into the truck.

Emails saying you've unsubscribed 

Was this idea cooked up by some passive-aggressive guy who takes it really personally when you don’t want to hear about the latest sales at Bed Bath & Beyond? This is the equivalent of your big brother holding his finger half an inch from your face and saying, “What? I’m not touching you.”

Truck balls

What kind of person buys these? Are you familiar with these? I’m not even posting a pic because that would make this post NSFW, which makes me ten times classier than people who think they’re perfectly acceptable for the world at large.  What am I supposed to tell my kid when he sees these? And at least he’s a boy; I feel terrible for the parents of a little girl who’s exposed to them. How are they even legal? Isn’t that, like, indecent exposure, or disseminating pornography to a minor or something?

Text speak

U r nt svng NE t1me txtng lk ths. It takes me five minutes to read it, and I usually have to get others involved to help me translate it. We have auto-correct now, so you really don’t have to put in too much effort to use real words. Do you know why stop signs don’t say “STP”? Because it’s confusing. Do you know why Target’s sign doesn’t say “tgt”? Because it looks like shit. Act like a grownup and use all the buttons on your keyboard. When I see a text or a Facebook post like this, all I see is, “I don’t respect you or myself enough to bother to type correctly.” I think from now on, whenever I receive a text like this, I will just keep replying “What?” until they write back in English.

Comments that aren't compliments

This is one of the weirdest things a person can do- make a personal comment that probably isn’t an insult, but definitely isn’t a compliment, either. Like, “Your hair is pink!” Or, “Look at those shoes!” I never know how to respond. “Thank you” seems presumptuous, since they never actually said they liked my pink hair, but if I say something like, “Yes, it is,” then I come off looking like the rude one.

Growing out bangs

It’s a rough world where it takes 90 seconds to cut bangs, and a year to grow them out. Why do I keep doing this? I cut bangs back in November, and I still can’t get my hair to make any sense. Next time I’m considering bangs, please remind me that they will not make me look like Zooey Deschanel. All they do is make blow-drying an absolute necessity for a month. Then, you spend the next eleven months buying barrettes. You know what? Just tell me to read this.