Google Something Clever 2.0: A Rebuttal: The Dad Food Pyramid

Feb 4, 2013

A Rebuttal: The Dad Food Pyramid

I have a special treat for you today! Especially for the dads, and especially my baby daddy. Remember my Food Pyramid for Mothers? Kevin from Who Woulda Thought? is here with a sequel! Read on:

Greetings to all the Mommies out there!  I interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post from Jenn to bring you a rebuttal to her post Food Pyramid For Mothers.  As a Dad I had a few issues with the portrayal of her food pyramid and how wine was the biggest category.  Why you ask?  Simple, if a Dad drinks a beer to cope with a long day dealing the kids, he's deemed a drunk and not fit for fatherhood but if a Mom drinks a glass bottle of wine after a day with the kids, everyone says, "Awwww, she's had a rough day."  There's  a double standard here guys!  Take Twitter or Facebook for example.... On Twitter the Mom's of the blogosphere hold #wineparties and boast how much wine they can drink after the kids are in bed. Everyone scrolls down their news feed, laaaauuughhhhs and chortles at the conversation happening, but when a Dad sends a Tweet out about having a beer with the guys, everyone is all up in their jammy (again, what the hell is your jammy?) about how they should spend time with their wives. Well we would but they are busy at some sort of #wineparty. Facebook is similar, if a Dad posts some sort of meme about the trials and tribulations of being a Dad, his jammy gets all blown up and people tell him to enjoy the time he has with his kids but if a Mom posts one about how kids ruined her life, people are like "Amen sister!  You tell them!  I feel for you!"
Sorry ladies...
Anyway, I didn't come here to tell you that, what I came here to do was give you a Dad's version of the Food Pyramid.


We will start with the bottom of the pyramid, this is the base of a Dad's existence, Scraps Left On The Kid's Plates.  As much as we like to deny it or try to hide it, we are the vultures of the family.  This is where you get most of sustenance.  Don't limit it to eating the last bite of meatloaf and last spoonful of mashed potatoes at home, make sure you are keeping the routine when (and if) you go out to dinner.  Polish off the mac & cheese, grab those last three french fries and wolf down that last bite of corn dog, you need your strength. 


Moving up the pyramid you have two categories that are similar in size, Coffee and Pain Reliever.  Coffee is essential to your diet and needs to be consumed 3-4 times a day.  The good thing about coffee is you can get your dairy in there with cream or milk.  Pain Reliever should be taken 2-3 times a day after all you are the kid's punching bag, until they get hurt and then you're the dumbass who was rough housing.



There's Microwave Meals.  Having kids is an adventure, granted not all of us are like other parents where their little preciouses-es are in a different activity each evening, but there is a lot of running around.  Sometimes the kids have already eaten by the time you get home so the Vulture is hungry and you need to get them out the door.  Pop in a meal and three minutes later you are burning the roof of your mouth with the salisbury steak.





Then there is the Beer.  Yes, we drink beer like a Mom drinks wine and we do it for the same reason.  We need to decompress.  Beer is good, it can count as your grain.  If you throw in a few Doritos you have dairy too.  I don't condone drinking eight glasses a day for fear of being called a raging alcoholic by some people.






Now we have reached the tip top of the Dad Food Pyramid, the teensy little triangle up there is where we can eat What We Want.  This is a limited category but a welcomed one.  This is where you can indulge in your nachos, buffalo wings and REAL hamburgers (not those smushed ones from McDonald's).  So eat well my fellow Dads and don't worry about the e-cards you post, I find those ones funny.


*On a side note, I want to thank Jenn for letting me do this guest post on her blog for two reasons, she's pretty cool and she has a lot of followers who will read this...yes I just self-whored myself out.*

It's Jenn again. That was so classy, I'll throw him one more link, because I'm nice like that. 
Go read Who Woulda Thought? right now!