Google Something Clever 2.0: Don't Pick a Tattoo Off of the Wall

Mar 28, 2013

Don't Pick a Tattoo Off of the Wall

Dear 16-year-old Jenn,

Yes, you are tiny. But you won’t always be. I know you can eat a bag of Ruffle Sour Cream & Cheddar chips for dinner now, but it won’t be that way forever. Do yourself (myself?) a favor and learn how to cook. Also, look into what a “calorie” is. Maybe you’ll be able to pull off those size zeros for a couple extra years. I won’t even tell you what size you finally get up to before you figure that out…

Don’t pick a tattoo off of the wall.

I know school is lame. And the people are lame. But again, it won’t last forever. When you’re an adult, you will need money. Try to hang out for a full day and maybe take a test or two. Then, you can go to college, which is full of more lame people, but you’ll be able to get a job that doesn’t involve wearing a name tag one day. When you’re in your early twenties, you’ll really wish you’d gone to dental school. Seriously!

While we’re on the subject of teeth… Enough with the candy and soda. I swear, if you switch to Diet Dew now, you won’t miss regular Dew in a couple weeks. If you don’t, you know what you will miss? Those three teeth you’ll have to extract because you can’t afford a root canal. And in two years, do not get that tongue ring. Just don’t.

Quit smoking. It’s such a bitch to get someone to buy them for you now, anyway. You know what’s even more of a bitch? Quitting in twenty years.

You’ve already met your husband. Whoa, freaky, right? You probably won’t guess who he is. Just remember that every dude you meet from here on out is not your husband. And that guy in that band you’ll meet a party in four years? Stay the hell away.

Don’t gloat too much about your awesome skin now; you’ll get your acne eventually. Yes, adults get acne. And wrinkles. At the same time. Sorry, dude. It’s called foundation. You know, that beige crap that your mother wears.

You’re right to stay out of the sun. Everyone makes fun of you and calls you a ghost and a vampire now, but when you’re in your thirties (and wearing that foundation) you will still get carded when you buy wine. Oh yeah, you’re going to drink wine. Lots of wine.

Practice your guitar more often.
You are a good judge of character. The friends you’re making right now will still be around when you’re an adult. Most of them, anyway. The ones that make you think twice? You’re right. They suck, and you’ll be rid of them soon enough.

In 2004 you will get two cats. Get pet insurance on the black and white one. I don’t mean to scare you off; she’s awesome and totally worth all the money you’ll end up spending on her, but it would be nice if you could save a few thousand bucks.

Don’t buy that condo when you’re in your twenties. I know where you live sucks, like, so bad, but trust me, you should wait another year and buy a house. Because you’re going to have… Never mind; I don’t want to spoil it. Let’s just say you’ll want another bedroom.

Learn to swim already.

He’s going to die in eleven more years. I know that seems like a long time, but you’ll make it. And guess what? It’s painful. So that’s cool.

Do you know what “stock” is? Take all that money you plan to spend on cigarettes, and buy stock in something called “Google.” Trust me on this one.

Good luck!
Old Jenn