Google Something Clever 2.0: Shut the Hell Up, Beyonce

Mar 5, 2013

Shut the Hell Up, Beyonce

I'm sorry, apparently this story is a couple of weeks old, but I'm not really one to follow current events, so I just heard... Beyonce is claiming that her 13-month-old baby can read. Seriously. (I'm actually really surprised that I didn't hear this from People I want to Punch in the Throat.)

What is with these celebrity moms and their outrageous brags about their babies? Remember when Gisele Bundchen, claimed that her son was potty trained at 6 months?

Gisele, you are a rich, beautiful supermodel. You are married to a rich, handsome football star. We get it. You're soooo much better than us. You do not need to make up lies about your baby being a superhero, capable of feats that no 6-month-old human body can possibly accomplish.

Beyonce, you are a rich, beautiful singer. Your husband looks like a camel, but whatever, he's rich, too. And you're friends with the damn President. And some of us are still suspicious of you after that whole "they may or may not have shut down a hospital" thing. We all know that a 13-month-old baby cannot read. Did you fall for that "Your Baby Can Read" scam, feel dumb, and then lie that it worked to make yourself feel better?

Just stop it.

A mother should be proud of her child just for being him- or herself. You don't need to make up fake accomplishments. Not only does that serve to make everyone else feel like they're not good enough, but it implies that your babies aren't really praise-worthy by their own merit. Is your baby not good enough for you? Is that why you make up crazy stories about them turning water into wine? Because that's what they're going to think when they grow up and read about this.

And why do you feel the need to remind the rest of the world at every turn just how much better you are than them? Is your self-esteem so low that you can only be happy when every magazine has your face on its cover, praising you as being the Absolute Best at Everything Ever?

We don't want to hear it. Please go away and raise your kid like a normal human. And if one day they win the Nobel Prize or something, then you can brag a little.