Google Something Clever 2.0: The "Star Wars" Experiment: Episode II (in which we watch "Episode V")

Mar 15, 2013

The "Star Wars" Experiment: Episode II (in which we watch "Episode V")

Please be sure to read the Prologue and Episode I before reading this post. And, if you haven't seen all of the movies in their entirety, please go do that. Also, you make me sad-face.

The cousin showed up very excited to see Episode V. I told her, "This is highly regarded as the best one." Then I corrected myself. "Not highly; universally." Before we even begin, she asks me, "Is it true that Darth Vader never says 'Luke, I am your father'?" Okay, we are on high alert, people. Does she know? I'm not sure! I always assumed she did, because she lives on Earth and all, but OMG, maybe she doesn't? I calmly reply, "Yes, that's true. Did you learn that from me?" (I like to post that on Facebook at least every other month, and I mentioned it in my blog a few weeks ago.) She says she thinks so, and I swallow a little bile and try to act normal for the next two hours. Moving on...

  • The first taun taun appears on screen. "That's a taun taun, right?" I'm so proud! I take this opportunity to tell her about the old toy with the hinged trap door in its back, so you could shove Han's legs inside him. She is baffled that they didn't have articulated hips on action figures back in the day. Sometimes I feel so old.
  • Luke is in the wampa's cave. He summons his light saber with the Force. "Wait, a minute, how long has this dude been practicing the Force? Because he sucked at it before." Good point.
  • Obi-Wan's ghost shows up. "You can do that with the Force?!" It is so hard to just smile and nod through this whole movie.
  • Han cuts open the taun taun. You know what that means? I got to tell her that joke. Do you know that joke?
Q: What is the internal temperature of a taun taun?
A: Luke warm.
  • Leia kisses Luke. She says something about "were they attracted to each other in the last movie?" or whatever but DUDE! SHE DOESN'T KNOW! Is that even possible? I am so excited now!
  • A few minutes later: "This might sound like a stupid question, but: Darth Vader. Human?" Holy. Fucking. Shit. She doesn't know!!! How is this possible? This is so great! "Um, you'll see."
  • The AT-ATs appear. She brings me back to the late 90's, when I worked at Toys R Us, and confused mothers would question me at the customer service desk: "That's an at-at, right?" As in, she pronounced it like the word "at," twice. I've been training 15 years for this. I smile, and gently correct her, "Ay-tee-ay-tee." She asks me, "If they knew those things existed, why didn't they invent a weapon that can just topple them?" I love that she's already thinking smarter than the Empire. "Wait for it," I tell her. "Does that stand for something?" Without missing a beat, I reply, "All-terrain armored transport." Wait, how did I know that? Sometimes I think maybe I'm a boy.
  • We see the back of Vader's head as he's putting his helmet on, and she straight-up gasps. Then turns to me. "So, kind of human?" This is killing me! "You'll see," I tell her.
  • After Luke crashes on Degobah, she asks, "Is that still a snow-whatever, or is that an X-wing?" I'm so impressed! "X-wing," I tell her. "Good job!" Then she tells me that she learned that from my son. My four-year-old son, who has yet to see any Star Wars movies. I don't know how I feel about that. I guess I'm a good mom, but up until now, a bad cousin.
  • Vader and the Emperor are chit-chatting about Skywalkers. "Wait, is Anakin Luke's son, or is Luke Anakin's son?" Okay, my brain just came thisclose to exploding. She definitely doesn't know! We went into this assuming she knew. Didn't you? Okay, okay, stay calm.... "Ahem. Luke is Anakin's son." (Pleasepleaseplease don't ask me any more questions!)
  • Luke fights with imaginary-Vader on Degobah. She is very confused. "But... Is that... Is this a dream?... Is he..." I explain it in the modern vernacular: "He's a Boggart."
  • Vader cuts Luke's hand off: "Gah, I didn't know that happened! Wait a minute, does his hand ever grow back?" I'm getting so tired of saying "You'll see" and "Wait for it."
  • Vader utters his often-misquoted line: "No... I am your father." I have been staring at her face for two minutes, waiting for this. She takes a long-ass beat. "But... He's lying, right?" I shake my head. "How?" "You'll see."
  • Luke calls Leia with the Force. She notices immediately. "She can use the Force?" I pretend not to hear her.
She's on her way out the door, and she asks me what episode we're watching next week. I tell her, "Episode II! See, you just learned that Darth Vader is Luke's father, and now we flash back and learn how that happened!" She asks me which episode is the one with Natalie Portman. I tell her, I, II and III. 

"And who is Luke's mother? What happened with that?" I am fucking flabbergasted that she doesn't know this by now. But I'm so glad she doesn't. Are you as excited for next Friday as I am?