Google Something Clever 2.0: The "Star Wars" Experiment: Episode III (in which we watch "Episode II")

Mar 22, 2013

The "Star Wars" Experiment: Episode III (in which we watch "Episode II")


Please be sure to catch up on all the previous episodes first.

Last week, we watched Episode V, and the cousin heard Darth Vader utter the hard-to-believe line, “I am your father” (not “Luke, I am your father,” thank you very much). You’ll recall she reacted just how we wanted, asking “But, how?” So now she gets her answer! See? Perfect.


Jar Jar shows up on screen right away. “Oh, I hate him already,” says the cousin. See? We were right to withhold Episode I, Kevin.  She has some opinions about the other characters right away, too. On Anakin: “Is he supposed to be an arrogant asshole?” Um, yes. And that makes more sense than a little boy yelling “Yippee,” now doesn’t it? Then he delivers that ridiculous line about sand to Padme. “Ugh,” she says, “I can’t believe she fell for that.” Yeah, that’s why George Lucas isn’t known for his romantic comedies. The best love-related line of the entire series was actually ad-libbed by Harrison Ford. That’s cool, though. We’re not here for a love story. It’s just a necessary evil in the Journey to Vader, right? Right.

Now, she was briefly confused by Anakin being a teenager- “Is the next one the one with the little kid and the races and shit?” We did decide to show her that one at the end if she wants. I mean, if she’s super curious about Sebulba and crap… I did also have to pause it and explain to her real quick that his mother was a slave, because she questioned the line about her being “sold.” So I guess that’s another point in the Episode I column, but it was easily solved.

So Anakin delivers the “not just the men” line, and they play a little musical cue from the “Imperial March.” And everyone knows what that means. She gets it right away: “Hello, Darth Vader.” Mission accomplished, John Williams.

She noticed something that I never did- and I should have, because it’s obvious… The ships in the prequels are noticeably more advance than those in the original. What the heck, George? I mean, I know you wanted to show off your cool new CGI toys, but come on. She also took issue with the chase/fight/whatever scene with the clones- “They’re all breathing sand right now!” Good point. Either use less CGI sand, put some masks on them, or make them cough.

She was not happy with the wedding. “No, they didn’t. No, they didn’t! Darth Vader’s fucking married? Does she die at some point?” I shrug. She knows by now that I’m not answering any questions.  She continues, “This is the least believable thing… And the worst decision she ever made.”

Stay tuned next week for the Rise of Vader and Luke and Leia’s birth! Yay!