Google Something Clever 2.0: Health and Beauty Tips for the Grief-Stricken

Apr 10, 2013

Health and Beauty Tips for the Grief-Stricken

I read a lot of blogs. Sometimes, the author has a sad*, and they either stop writing for a while, or they write stuff that totally bums you out. I’m trying to avoid that right now.

Monday was the day I took Molly to the oncologist, and I recapped that here. Later that day (after writing my post), when my husband came home from work, we read the email from the vet where she outlined everything we talked about. I was a little hysterical (but trying to keep it together), and a little distracted by the boy, so I missed some key information. Apparently, the news wasn’t as good as I thought. And let’s be clear, it wasn’t good to begin with.

Basically, we have to choose between an extremely expensive and invasive treatment, or a still-pretty-expensive and very inconvenient treatment, or maybe both. And even then, it will only keep her cancer at bay for a while. There is no cure. We basically have to figure out if we want to buy another year and a half of life for her. And that life probably wouldn't be that great.

I had a bit of a breakdown. You know how, once every five or ten years, something awful happens, and you have that cry where you forget how to breathe correctly? I had that.

In addition to my respiratory difficulties, I had some other symptoms that you may be familiar with. I tried some food-related remedies, to varying results. I’d like to share them with you, because they might be helpful one day.

Stuffy Nose

I used about 17 Kleenexes. Yes, I am aware that’s a proper noun, but it’s also the only brand worth a damn, and as such, that’s what I used. My sinuses were pack so tight with allergies and sadness that if someone had put a sock in my mouth, I would have died.

As luck would have it, before the shit went down, we ordered delivery for dinner from the local pizza joint (because I was in no state to cook). And as super luck would have it, I had ordered jalapeno poppers and a Buffalo chicken calzone.

Hell yes. After 4 poppers and 3/8 of the calzone (I know this because it was pre-cut), I could breathe through my nose again! Spicy food works wonders on an inflamed sinus.

Puffy Eyes

Does this happen to you? When I have a really hardcore cry, my eyelids get so puffy, they look like I got in a fistfight, or perhaps had them injected with collagen. It’s like I have two pink pool floaties under my eyebrows. Not only is it unsightly (and often carries through to the next day), but it’s physically uncomfortable. I feel like I’m weight-lifting every time I blink.

Wait a minute! I’m planning on making cucumber salad later this week for a side dish! I totally have two cucumbers in the fridge, and I’ve always wondered if that works! I cut off two slices. I put a throw pillow on my husband’s lap and asked him to please narrate the upcoming action scenes on “The Following” (no easy feat).  I laid the cucumber slices on my eyelids…

Okay, this feels weird. Kind of burny, but in a cold way. It must be doing something, right? I let them sit there until they didn’t burn/freeze anymore. Then, I flipped them over (cool side of the pillow logic). When the second side lost its magical “this feels funny” powers, I tossed them in the trash and went into the bathroom to check my results in the magnifying mirror. Nothing.

I used my son’s Boo-Boo Buddy on each eyelid for a couple minutes after that and saw decent results. Nothing miraculous, mind you, but better than the cucumber slices.

Bottom Line

Spicy food for sad sinuses: Win.
Cucumber slices for bereaved eyes: Lose.
Ice pack for tear dispensers: Meh. Better than nothing.

If you ever have to use this advice, I’m truly sorry.

* I stole "has a sad" from Sleepy Bard