Google Something Clever 2.0: The "Star Wars" Experiment: Episode V (in which we watch "Episode VI")

Apr 5, 2013

The "Star Wars" Experiment: Episode V (in which we watch "Episode VI")


If you haven’t been playing along, go catch up on the previous episodes first.


I couldn’t hold off any longer. When C3P0 says, “I have a bad feeling about this,” I pause it and ask her if that sounds familiar. She says, “Yeah, he says that all the time.” I explain that a variation of it is repeated in every movie, and although it seems like a very Threepio thing to say (I paid $10 extra for him to narrate my TomTom GPS system, and he says it constantly), he actually only says it once in the series. In fact, both Han and Obi-Wan say it more often than he does.

Once again, she questions how Luke’s Jedi skills got so good so fast. We explain that years have passed since “Episode V,” and also, it’s in his genes (or blood, if you’re into the whole midichlorian thing).

Her commentary on Leia’s bikini: “That looks terribly uncomfortable. It’s metal!” I remind her that Leia is a prisoner/slave, and they don’t get to wear yoga pants.

When we first see the forest moon of Endor, she asks if this is where Jar Jar lives. I tell her no, and she says, “I know nothing about Star Wars… But I know I hate Jar Jar.”

Her observation on Luke’s character: “I feel like Luke is really weak. He’s a really weak person, and that’s gonna be his downfall. Like, ‘Oh, my father!’” Well, for 30 years, we’ve all been calling him a whiny bitch. This is a classier way to say it, I guess.

She doesn’t find Han and Leia’s love believable. Again I say, Lucas is not a romance kind of guy. I think he just crams in love stories because he feels like he has to. She also still hates Threepio. Okay, he is an uppity know-it-all, but I grew up with him, so I tolerate it, like an obnoxious relative. I guess if I just met him, I might feel that way, too. But deep down, I think he’s a good… Droid. And if Droids have feelings, I think it’s safe to say that he really cares about Artoo.

We had a Star Wars veteran over to watch with us this time, and I want to state for the record that we all got in a huge fight over whether the Ewoks lived on Endor, or the forest moon of Endor. And we were all drinking. I had to draw maps to prove my point, and I won. I just want you all to know that I won. Suck it. My blog.

At the end, when Vader is dying, she said, “Is he dying? He can’t be dead! He’s Darth Vader! He’s a robot!” Hmm. I think maybe we need to watch them all again. Or maybe she’s confusing Star Wars with RoboCop, or Inspector Gadget.

She agreed that having ghost-Hayden Christiansen at the end was completely idiotic. She actually ranted for a couple of minutes. And then, of course, my husband had to pull up “Yub Nub” on YouTube to show her how it was supposed to end.

We offered her “Episode I” as extra credit, and she did come over and watch it the next week, but I can’t even parlay it into a whole post. The only thing of note was when Padme was masquerading as a handmaiden. At first she was confused- “But I thought she was the queen?” and I was finally able to explain it by comparing her to Saddam Hussein. So there’s that.

All in all, we were very happy with the results of Machete Order. We found "Episode I" to be superfluous, as did our subject. It was also really fun to "flash back" in the middle. The only issue was that we had to brief her on what happened in "Episode V" before going back to "Episode VI," because it had been three weeks since she'd seen it. I don't imagine it would be much of an issue if you watched them more frequently than we did, though.

Final verdict: we will definitely be showing them to our son in Machete Order. Thank you, Rod Hilton!