Hey, Amanda Bynes! It's me, Jenn. You may remember me as that woman who was way too old to watch What I Like About You, but secretly did so anyway.
I noticed that you've recently taken up some ... peculiar hobbies, and the media's been taking you to task for it. I'm here to help. Together, we can work out some fun alternatives for you that won't land you on the wrong side of the law (or TMZ).
For example: you seem to be rather fond of committing hit-and-runs. I've got the perfect solution—softball! Hit that ball, and run the bases. You'll be getting a great cardiovascular workout, as well as providing inspiration for young female athletes.
You also got in a bit of hot water after you tweeted President Obama, asking him to fire the police officer who arrested you. And from what I gather, he didn't even respond. But do you know which world leader would respond to your tweets?! Kim Jong-un! He loves D-List American celebrities! Leverage your fame and do some good. Maybe ask him to stop being so grumpy and nuclear-threaten-y all the time.
We've all watched your burgeoning photography career with interest. The problem with self-portraits, or "selfies," however, is that you're very limited, angle-wise. You might try some nature photography, or perhaps see if you could get a freelance job with National Geographic photographing war-torn orphans?
I can tell from your new cheek piercings that you're into needles. Why not take up cross-stitching? You could start a website and sell your own samplers. Who wouldn't want one of those?
You like cutting hair? Girl, don't shave your own head! There are tons of scruffy dogs in shelters all across America who could do with a trim. Wouldn't it feel good to give a puppy the makeover that lands him in his "forever home"?
Just last Thursday, you were arrested for throwing a bong out of your apartment window in order to destroy pot-smoking evidence. Honey, that's littering, and littering's not cool. Next time, make a bong out of an apple. If the cops show up, you can just eat it! No evidence, no littering, and best of all, you get a healthy dose of Vitamin A.
Finally, rather than asking Drake to murder your vagina, maybe you should ... you know what? Never mind. I'm actually okay with that one. The world needs more assertive women like you.
Good luck to you, Amanda. If you follow my advice, I just know you can turn this around, and become the next Drew Barrymore. (She's still doing okay, right?)
This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.