Google Something Clever 2.0: Painless Vaginal Delivery is Possible!

May 22, 2013

Painless Vaginal Delivery is Possible!

You may or may not know that I have one child, and he was delivered through a planned c-section. Sure, I labored (unmedicated) for three hours, because nurses are bitches, but that doesn't count. You superhero vaginal birth mommies will always be bigger martyrs than me.


I had a point to prove. I wanted to show you all that I could handle a vaginal delivery. The problem was, I didn't want to go through another pregnancy, or have another child. What was I to do?

It is at this point that I must warn all of you who are at work, or those who have nosy children, to save this page for later, perhaps when you're alone in the bathroom. The following is NSFW/K.

I discovered that the reason that vaginal birth is usually painful has nothing to do with the size of the baby, or the volume of the Enya CD being played in the background, but has everything to do with the father.

Yeah, you read that right. There is one father out there who can knock you up with a baby so cute, so sweet, that he or she will cause you absolutely zero discomfort during delivery. And that father is... One Classy Motha.

A little over a month ago, Kim was feeling randy, and offered to to impregnate one of her readers with a (patent pending?) Beaver Baby. All you had to do to be selected as the lucky mother was know every damn thing about her, like her favorite wine, and the tales of her failed dinner attempts. Oh, I got this, bitches. Three days later, I found out I was pregnant!

After a mere four and a half weeks of pregnancy, my husband came home from work, checked the mailbox, and gave me the happy news when he walked in the door: I was in labor! Funny, I didn't feel a thing. (Actually, I think he said something along the lines of, "You got... this thing. What the hell is that?")

I opened the suspicious-looking brown paper package to find a familiar looking gift box. This is where it pays to be a superfan, because I recognized my baby-daddy's style right away.

Sorry about the glare. I never claimed to be an artist.

Nestled inside, with a sweet card and some beautiful gender-neutral green tissue paper, was my vagina.

Ok, I admit it. Pink is not my natural hair color.

It was time to push. No doctor. No midwife. No doula. It was just me, and my husband, who said, "That's disgusting," and walked out of the room. Men! Am I right, ladies?? Ok, time to buckle down...

One!

Two!

Three!!!

I did it! Just three pushes, zero pain, and I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I'm so happy. Our little family is now complete.

If you've been yearning to fill that little hole (or just turn it inside-out), I urge you to talk to Kim. She'll be more than happy to put a baby in your vagina, too (ahem, for a fee).