Google Something Clever 2.0: I Could Never Be a Buddhist

Jul 18, 2013

I Could Never Be a Buddhist

Man, do I love stuff. Material possessions are just the best, am I right?

Now, I'm not into procuring the stuff; I hate shopping. Just hate it. And I'm not into fancy stuff, either. I see no reason to spend more than $40 on a pair of shoes, and almost all of my furniture is from IKEA. But that feeling I get when I have a new... Something, anything really, just can't be beat.

You should see me when I'm expecting a package from UPS. I'll track that bitch every two hours. I sincerely wish that they'd let me access the truck's GPS, because "Out for delivery" is just not cutting it for me.

So today, I'm going to tell you about some stuff I love. I was originally planning on mentioning d'marie FrappĂ© Vino here, but then I got so excited about sharing it with you guys, I ended up contacting them and turning it into a giveaway yesterday. You're welcome.

As for the rest of this stuff, the manufacturers have no idea who I am, and I didn't get squat from them. I present to you, my four favorite time savers:

Yes, this brush looks like it swallowed a Muppet. It has all these microfiber fuzzies embedded in it that suck the water out of your hair. It also has side vents, but you can't see them. Anyway, you use this when you're blow-drying your hair, and you're done so much faster. Because... Say it with me, now: Aint nobody got time for that!


It's concealer with salicylic acid in it. Cover and cure the zit all in one step. Really, what more do I need to say? This stuff's a life saver.

Do you like wine? Good. Stop cutting the foil with a knife like a savage. See the round thingy? Put it on top of the bottle. Squeeze. Twist. Foil gone. As for the cork? See the other thing that sort of looks like a rabbit? Okay. Lift the "ears" up. Put the red and black part over the neck of the bottle. Hold it there. Push the ears down, then pull back up. The cork is now out. Just like that. My record is something like four and a half seconds.

My girl Martha Stewart turned me on to these, although I believe she uses a different brand. She probably makes her own and sells it at Macy's for thirty bucks. This one is from Bed Bath & Beyond, I think. I'm sure they're all the same. It's a silicone tube. You put a garlic clove (or two, or three) inside, and roll it on the counter with the palm of your hand. Then, you dump out the clove and peel, which are now separated. Magic! This is probably my favorite of all the things.

Now, if you go buy all four of these (assuming you have shoulder length hair, three zits, and you consume a bottle of wine and three cloves of garlic daily), I've just saved you 12 minutes a day. Add it all up, and that's enough time to take a bubble bath or write an extra blog post every Saturday! Boy, do you owe me one.