Google Something Clever 2.0: My Husband Doesn't Suck

Jul 10, 2013

My Husband Doesn't Suck

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: my husband is not an idiot.

I've been afraid to admit it for a while, but we're all friends here, so I'm going to come clean. As strange as it sounds, my husband is actually a capable, functioning adult. He can feed and clothe not only himself, but also our son. Weird, I know.

From what I gather, he's a very rare bird indeed. I've noticed that TV ads for cleaning products exclusively feature women, so I'm pretty sure my man is the only one on earth capable of wielding a vacuum or a duster. Once, I heard the washing machine running, and I didn't remember starting it. I'm beginning to suspect he did it. And he didn't even put dish soap in there. Seriously!

Sometimes I feel left out when I hear women commiserating about how their husbands always hand them the baby when its diaper needs changing, or how they left him alone with the kids just once, and came back to find the whole house covered in peanut butter and permanent marker. Last time I left my boys alone, I came home to find the two of them reading together. He even fed the child! And I'm talking real food, not candy!

My running theory is that he was part of some secret science experiment where they put the brain of a woman in the body of a man. How else would you explain the fact that he remembers birthdays and anniversaries, expresses human emotion, and even knows how to cook a turkey?

I'll admit I'm a little nervous revealing the truth. Is the government going to storm my house, E.T. style, and whisk him away for testing? Will I be ostracized by other women and kicked out of the Long-Suffering Wives Club?

I can't sit idly by any longer. This puzzle must be solved. Tell me, have you heard of other men like this, or am I alone? 

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.