Google Something Clever 2.0: Who's Going to Ruin Your Vacation?

Jul 26, 2013

Who's Going to Ruin Your Vacation?

Ah, summer! Time to relax. Sun, surf, sand... Picnics and fireworks... Roller coasters and water parks...

Whether you're planning a lavish getaway this summer, or just spending a few afternoons at the park, you're bound to run into a few of the classic summer characters. You know the ones. That neighbor with the beer belly who refuses to wear a shirt for three months straight. The unattended children whose only source of joy is splashing your precious angel in the face. And so many more.

The inappropriately dressed folks:
If you view the carnival rolling into town as your cue to buy a new leather vest and get your best white jeans dry-cleaned, I'm talking about you. I'm also talking about the lady who wears stilettos to the park, the woman who wearing a flowing skirt to the petting zoo (goats will eat it, make no mistake), and anyone goes to the spray park fully dressed and thinks they're getting out of there dry.

The parents who make you feel better about your own parenting:
Recently, I saved a one-year-old from climbing out of a (very high) double stroller that she was not buckled into. At first, I chalked it up to her parents having a flaky moment. Then I stopped her from running out the door of the snack bar twenty minutes later. I still worry about her, but not as much as I worry about that two-year-old who was drinking a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew.

And on the flip side, there are...

The parents who make you feel inferior:
I like to think that I feed my son a moderately healthy diet. That is, until we sit down to a special treat of chicken fingers and ice cream at the amusement park, and I spy the parents unwrapping their toddler's bento box full of sticks, seeds, and leaves. And the kid actually eats that crap. I think these are the same kids who wear those full-body bathing suits and don't complain about how disgusting they feel.

The rubes who make you feel like big city folk:
Have you ever been gawked at for carrying a real wallet, rather than a roll of bills with a rubber band around it? Then you've met these people. I once blew a carny's mind by asking him to put some caramel in my coffee. They travel all over the country, yet they've never stumbled upon a Starbucks? How is that possible?

The people who make you feel confident in a bathing suit:
When my husband and I honeymooned in Jamaica at age 25, I had never before worn a bikini in public. I was nervous... until I walked into the resort and saw the other guests. If you ever need a confidence boost about your body, I strongly encourage you to visit an all-inclusive vacation destination. For bonus points, take a cruise.

The people to whom rules don't apply:
They tap on the glass at the aquarium. They climb on the statues at the museum. They lean over the railing and try to feed the ostriches Diet Coke at the zoo (true story). Why is there never a staff member around when these people are wreaking their havoc? To piss me off, that's why.

Tell me, did I forget anyone?

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.