Google Something Clever 2.0: Texas vs. Florida

Aug 1, 2013

Texas vs. Florida

I want to make this very clear up front: I believe that there are smart, kind people in every state.

I personally know people from both Texas and Florida who are just lovely.

That being said, there are certain qualities that Texas and Florida are known for. I am now going to write about them. If the thought of that hurts your feelings, you should probably take your ball and go home.

And by that, I mean secede.



On Tuesday, I was In the Powder Room talking about how Texas won't let women bring tampons into the state capitol, because they're now considered weapons. Over in the comment section, I got into a discussion with Running Mama, Courtney, and Courtney P. We we were comparing which state was worse, Texas or Florida. If you're a long time reader, you know that I love to make fun of Florida. I've never visited either state, but that's not going to stop me from judging them.

Here we go!


Let's start with something light, shall we? How about the state bird? Let me just Google that... and... Shit. Both Texas and Florida claim the mockingbird as their state bird. Okay. I'll reassign my own, then. Florida's new state bird is the flamingo. Yes, I know that Florida hasn't actually had any flamingos in hundreds of years, but I don't care. Texas, your new state bird is Foghorn Leghorn.
Point: Florida. That rooster is obnoxious as fuck.

Next, what have these states given back to the rest of the country? More specifically, who produces a higher class of celebrities? Texas gave us Gary Busey, Chuck Norris, David Koresh, Randy Quaid, Anna Nicole Smith, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Tila Tequila, Jessica and Ashley Simpson, Dennis Rodman, and Jeff Dunham. Florida gave us Fred Durst, Hulk Hogan, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Daniel Tosh, Megan Fox, Nick and Aaron Carter, Lil’ Wayne, Chad Ochocinco, and Carrot Top.
Point: Florida, solely because of Tila Tequila. She's worse than all the rest combined (and yes, I'm counting Koresh).

Politicians... I'll just pick two at random. Jeb Bush (R-FL) probably rigged a presidential election, or maybe just made a mess of it. I remember that day, and I was really annoyed. Wendy Davis (D-TX) gave us all a reason to use the word "filibuster" for four days straight back in June.
Point: Texas

And now, it's time for the lightning round!


Florida has zombies. Texas is trying to outlaw abortion.
Point: Florida

Texas wants to ban thinking. Florida accidentally made the internet illegal.
Point: Texas

Texas was the setting for "King of the Hill." Florida was the setting for "The Golden Girls."
Draw.

Everything is bigger in Texas. Except the bugs. That would be Florida.
Point: Texas

Armadillos. Alligators.
Point: Florida

Everyone in Texas has a gun, or five. Florida lets you kill children.
Point Texas

Conclusion


It's a tie. I'm staying the fuck away from both of you.