I have exciting news for you! Well, some of you, anyway. I've decided to become a pimp! Are you a blogger? An Avon lady? Do you make jewelry out of chicken bones and cat fur, and sell it on Etsy? Good for you, you little entrepreneur, you! You should be marketing your wares to my readers, because they are rich and have fabulous taste (obviously).
Hop on over to my Give Me Your Money page, where you can read all about the ad space and social media marketing I have to offer you. Oh, it's also a great place to give me your money, by the way. Mama needs a new tattoo.
What else happened this week? By now, you must be expecting either "tweet of the week" honors or a celebrity encounter, right? Let's go with Option B:
THAT. JUST. HAPPENED. You guys, Roseanne is the coolest. Remember when she favorited my tweet? Well, apparently, she didn't get the memo that celebrities are supposed to be snobs, and if you tweet her, she totally responds like a normal human and everything. If you're wondering what we were talking about, she tweeted that her elderly mother had gotten into her medical marijuana and eaten 24 doses, but that she was fine, because you can't O.D. on pot. I said that I was glad she was okay, and that I thought that was adorable, and would make a good plot for a sitcom episode. I mean, couldn't you just see Bev doing that?
Annnnnnyways. Blog stuff. Here we go.
What I Wrote
I got into the part of my vacation you've all been waiting for (yeah, right), the day trip to New York City. I did New York a little differently than most people, as promised. If you are a pizza fetishist, you definitely want to see this. New York, Part Three
You might assume, judging by the ridiculously long vacation series I've been posting lately, that I'm a big traveler. I am so not. I am an awful traveler. Come find out why. I'll Stay Home, Thanks.
New York is such a big city. We did a lot in one day. So much, in fact, that it took me three posts to capture it all. The very best thing that happened there is covered in the second post. And guess what. Bonus IRL celebrity encounter! I think I'm starting to get over my starstruck issues! No, I'm not. New York, Part Four
What I Read
Okay, I'm just gonna say it. My kid has been kind of a dick lately. We blame it on his sleep schedule getting turned around. We blame it on a lack of discipline. But really, it's just because he's four. Amber from Crappy Pictures proves that point, and her eleventy-jillion fans back her up in the comments. Which is great, because now I know that A) I'm not a bad parent, and B) He's going to knock this shit off when he turns five. Right? Right?!
If you have never lived with a cat, I feel bad for you, son. Here's the thing: you do not understand cats until you've lived with them. This week, as luck would have it, two lovely bloggers gave us windows into the world of cat cohabitation that just sum it up perfectly. They're pretty much like toddlers. First up is Kimberly of It is Interesting to Note, with her freaky looking Sphinx cat. Then, Julie from I like beer and babies, whose cat has been influencing her human son just a bit too much.
If you're a regular, you may know that my son has my sense of humor. In fact, I think he actually may be funnier than me, which is nice for him, but sucks for me at dinner parties. I think it's a blogger thing, because One Funny Motha's son is also capable of writing some hilarious shit. Take note: if you want a funny kid, impregnate a blogger.
Remember a few paragraphs ago, when I said I don't like to travel? If you didn't actually click through (shame on you), it mostly has to do with food and suitcases and water and air. But there's another, super weird difference you need to be aware of before you travel. And no, it's not the Royale With Cheese. Ladies, read this, and then thank Molley from A Mother Life for cluing you in.
Okay, so here's the thing. I just complained about my son being four. I know this. I wrote it myself. But I will tell you right now that I will not handle twelve well. Starr from The Insomniac's Dream has a boy who just turned twelve. And guess what he has. No, not a shitty attitude. A girlfriend. The horror!
Tweets I Enjoyed
OK. I managed to get into my car while wearing a pencil skirt. But now how the hell do I get out of here without flashing my colleagues?
— HowNot2KillUrParents (@HNTKYP) September 18, 2013
The next time my cat wakes me up at 5am to be fed, I'm probably going to get out of bed to feed him like I always do. #dontmesswithme
— GK Adams (@GKAdams) September 18, 2013
You say yelling. I say enthusiastic reminding.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) September 18, 2013
I just realized I've been wearing my underwear inside-out all day*. *two days
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) September 19, 2013
Ever think about the lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle? Calls it a star, but then wonders "what you are." How high was that guy?? #prewarned lyrics
— ComfyTown Chronicles (@ComfyTownChroni) September 19, 2013
Bedtime took 2 hours. Next time I spend 2 hours walking in & out of a dimly lit room telling someone to hush, there better be Junior Mints.
— SONny Side Jen (@Jenniferpro) September 19, 2013
Drove past a woman today w/ a dream catcher hanging from her rear view mirror. Friends don't let friends dream and drive.
— Leslie Marinelli (@TheBeardedIris) September 20, 2013
Just had a "do we have a problem here" moment with the neighborhood kids. I've never felt so mom-ish.
— Raising Wild Things (@rsngwildthings) September 20, 2013
In reality, parenthood just consists of asking little people... 1. Did you poop? 2. Do you have to poop? 3. When's the last time you pooped?
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) September 20, 2013
And that'll do it. I'm off to IKEA to buy one friggin' thing, and cry about how I can't buy all the things. Be sure to come back on Monday; I have an awesome giveaway! Are you psyched? Yes, you are!