Google Something Clever 2.0: New York, Part One

Sep 6, 2013

New York, Part One

If you didn’t know, my family just spent a week in New York. My husband has two cousins who live upstate with their wives and babies (two separate houses; they’re not weirdos), so we drove out there and stayed with Cousin 1.

Day one was when we arrived, around lunch time. We did a lot of talking and planning, and then had a cookout and made s’mores. Fun for us, but not so entertaining for you. Moving on!

Day two, we went to a renaissance fair. I’d been to one as a kid, and my husband and son had never been. My husband’s always wanted to go to one, but the fair (faire?) in Massachusetts has animal acts, which I have a problem with, so we don’t go.

I don’t know if this is true of all renaissance fairs, but the one we went to was about 90% shopping. I was okay with that; don’t get me wrong. I came very close to buying a $55 parasol. My husband kept telling me not to worry about the price, because yay vacation, but I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d find something expensive in the city later in the week, and I wouldn’t want to buy it because I’d blown so much on the parasol.

While we were eating lunch, the unmistakable sound of bagpipes came drifting through the forest. My eyes lit up. “Go,” said my husband. I took off running. I freakin’ love bagpipes. I discovered a charming little outdoor pub in the middle of the forest.  A cute little elderly lady was piping, and her husband was accompanying her on guitar. I wish that pub was in my neighborhood.

  And I wish they were my grandparents.

They had a booth where, for the low, low price of three bucks, you could throw tomatoes at a man while he insulted you. Okay. My cousins tried to get my husband to try it, but he wasn’t interested, so I gave it a shot. Of course the guy went for the hair. He made a joke about me being a Hot Topic regional manager. I retorted that I had only been an assistant manager (true story), so there. The crowd liked that. He made a few more jokes, all of which I had an immediate answer for. I didn’t hit him with any tomatoes, but I felt like a winner, anyway, because I won with my words.

And I got fired for opening the store late. Take that!

After the fair, we went back to Cousin 2’s house for dinner. He was giving us the tour of the house when my husband noticed a red button on the wall by the front door. He inquired about it, and our cousin told us that it was an old panic button, now disabled, that had been installed by the previous owner. We asked if there was a panic room. He said no, but the owner had left behind instructions on how to find and open the secret compartments he’d built in the basement. Um, what? Yeah.

So, here’s the thing. He told us about these secret compartments like they were old cans of paint or something. No big deal. We were flipping out. This is some serious Scooby Doo shit! We demanded to be shown the basement immediately. The instructions were impossibly complicated. They featured diagrams and pictures and referenced special tools you needed to use. Then Cousin 2 mentioned that he didn’t know exactly where they were. He’d never even looked for them! Of course, my husband and I started running around trying to find them right away. They were empty. Bummer. But still, it was a fun adventure.

Stay tuned for more New York fun!