Google Something Clever 2.0: Pumpkin is the New Black

Oct 8, 2013

Pumpkin is the New Black

Internet, I have had it with you. You're supposed to be this vast window to all the information the world has to offer, but instead, you just keep talking about the same 20 things. Things that I don't care about, like pugs and Lena Dunham and bacon. Enough with the bacon, already!

Oh, wait, I almost forgot. It's fall. Poor, sad bacon has to take a backseat for three months while the entire Western world has a collective ZOMGpumpkingasm.

Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin beer, pumpkin smoothies, pumpkin cheesecake, penne with pumpkin sauce, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin yogurt, pumpkin chili, pumpkin quinoa, pumpkin gnocchi, pumpkin jam, pumpkin bisque . . .

Even Bubba from Forrest Gump would be overwhelmed with all this pumpkin nonsense. Jack-o'-lantern guts are not a food group, people! Why don't you just make an organic pumpkin bacon Cronut with an ironic handlebar moustache and shove it in your stupid pumpkin face?!

Sorry—I got a little out of control there. There are some more things the Internet wants me to care about, that I absolutely refuse to.

I don't care about GMOs. I am not going to scour the Internet looking for the secrets behind UPC codes. I'm uninterested in where my eggs were laid, and I'll be damned if I'm going to eat like a Cro-Magnon man. Cooking dinner is exhausting enough as it is; I don't want to put in another three hours of meal prep each day just to buy myself an extra four years at the end of my life.

Famous people: do not care. Honey Boo-Boo is a train wreck who should only be watched by Social Services, and Kim Kardashian has contributed absolutely nothing to society. If I want to watch some broad with a fat ass annoying her family, I'll just look in the mirror, thanks.

Mumford and Sons. Girl, please. There's a reason we're not still listening to Depression-era music; it was depressing. I can't get through one of their songs without picturing the entire band dressed in oak barrels held up with suspenders. And I hear they're not even related, or from the 1930s! That's false advertising.

And while we're at it, let's talk Pinterest. I've tried making my own glow stick nail polish and washing my produce with vinegar, and guess what—it doesn't work! None of your stupid projects work! Nobody has the time to make a fairy house in their backyard, or the inclination to fashion a perfectly mussed updo just to wear around the house, so please stop.

And am I the only woman on Earth who is interested in topics beyond "leaning in," "slut shaming," and "mommy wars"? It's time to throw out your cheat sheet of the 50 Most Buzz Worthy SEO Bait Topics, Internet. Expand your damn horizons.

Let's all agree to start a brand new conversation online today; one that we haven't had a thousand times before. Unless, of course, it's about Breaking Bad; I'll never get tired of that one.


This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.