Don't judge. We all say it, and we mostly mean it. But here's the thing: judging is something that just happens whether you like it or not, like thinking that Target cashier is hot, or laughing when someone falls and hurts themselves.
Am I right?
So, yeah, when I bring my kid trick-or-treating, I am totally judging every house. Let's be honest, here—cards on the table. You do it too, right?
To the people with the smiling scarecrows, the bales of hay, and the impeccably carved (but not too scary) jack-o'-lanterns: you want me to think that you're Martha Stewart's long-lost cousin, and you're totally better than me. Maybe you are, but that doesn't mean I have to like you.
To the elderly people handing out Tootsie Rolls: nobody likes Tootsie Rolls! Nobody has ever liked Tootsie Rolls. I'm pretty sure they were invented during wartime, when we had to send all the real chocolate to the boys "over there" for morale. And you all pretended to like them, because of pride and your civic duty and whatnot. Get over it. They're disgusting. If you don't know what real candy is anymore, please give twenty bucks to your youthful neighbors the next time they go shopping. They'll take care of you.
To the people with the cutesy inflatable lawn decorations: okay, we get it. You love Christmas. But Halloween is not Christmas, and it never will be. Go buy a skeleton or something. I mean, come on.
To the people who give out Snickers: I get it. You don't want to make waves. You stand in the corner at parties, agree with whatever anyone else is saying, and never talk politics. Snickers are safe, you tell yourself. Everyone likes Snickers. If I give out Snickers, they'll like me. Well, yeah, everyone likes Snickers. But the whole point of trick-or-treating is variety! Nobody wants to come home to 50 Snickers bars. If that was the goal, we could all just buy our kids a bag of Snickers and stay home. Think outside the box! Show some personality! I always appreciated that one Heath bar I got every year (truth be told, I avoided them until I was ten, because I read them too fast, thought they said "Health," and chucked them, but you get the point).
To the people who give out anything other than candy: you are awful. You are the worst type of human. I used to work in a dental office, and even they gave out candy! What the hell happened to you? How can you hate mankind that much? Please, just turn off the lights next year. Please.
And finally, to the people who insist that the parents of the trick-or-treater take a candy for themselves . . . I love you. You people are the reason I get up in the morning. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I will be back on November first for your leftovers.
This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.