Google Something Clever 2.0: Impatient Baby Mamas, Slow Your Roll

Nov 12, 2013

Impatient Baby Mamas, Slow Your Roll

When my son was a baby, I couldn't wait for him to hit every milestone. I'd obsess over baby books and websites, eagerly anticipating The Next Big Thing. Now that my single child is almost five, I consider myself a parenting expert. I'm here to tell you that you're better off before your baby learns all the latest tricks.

Crawling
Expectation: he can get around on his own and explore his world! He'll have so many adventures!
Reality: yeah, adventures with the cat, the toilet, the DVD player, and the drawer full of knives. Start saving up now Mama, because you're about to drop some serious bank at Babies R Us to protect your most valuable possession . . . and also the kid who's hell-bent on destroying it.

Eating solids
Expectation: a world of culinary delights is his for the taking! He'll learn to love tapas and Pad Thai, and I'll teach him that fruit is called "sports candy!"
Reality: girl, please. I did the whole "veggies before fruits" thing, too. Kids are not stupid. Dino nuggets and fries are in, pasta with any sauce that isn't fluorescent orange is out. And did you know that once they start eating solids, you'll have to cook for them every single day?

Talking
Expectation: I can't wait to hear all about my little one's thoughts and feelings! It will be so much easier to care for him once he can express himself!
Reality: Nothing compares to the joy of hearing your child say "I love you" for the first time. Of course, that's inversely proportionate to the feeling you'll get when he screams "I don't love you anymore!" three years later, so it evens out.

Walking
Expectation: oh, the places he'll go! I can't wait to take photos of him toddling around the farm. And we'll get him those cute little light-up sneakers!
Reality: this is when you'll start to rethink your stance on the whole baby-leash thing. This is also why I only have one kid: one hand for him, one for my coffee. Sorry, can't handle any more.

Potty training
Expectation: I will never have to touch pee or poop again!
Reality: sure, not in diaper form. Instead, you'll be mopping up pee from behind your toilet (seriously, how does he get it back there?) and gingerly turning poop-filled Spider-Man briefs inside-out over the bowl and dunking them.

Learning to work the TV
Expectation: I'll be able to sleep in for an extra fifteen minutes. Maybe I can even take a shower!
Reality: come talk to me the first time you're toweling off and hear the theme song to Mad Men playing in the living room. True story.

Reading
Expectation: reading is the single greatest joy man can experience! He'll be transported to other worlds . . .
Reality: you don't get to choose which worlds. And when your job is to write swear-words on the Internet, suddenly Mommy's computer screen becomes the most interesting thing to read, ever.

Becoming computer-savvy
Expectation: he's going to be the next Steve Jobs! In the 21st century, this is undoubtedly the most important skill a child can learn.

Reality: once they learn that the blue bar at the top of your screen means you're on Facebook, it's pretty hard to convince them that Mommy's working right now. 

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.