Google Something Clever 2.0: Would You Have Me on Your Zombie Apocalypse Team?

Nov 8, 2013

Would You Have Me on Your Zombie Apocalypse Team?

I've been thinking a lot about zombies lately. I mean, even more than usual, because of Halloween and "The Walking Dead." I've been thinking about what skills are necessary in order to be valuable to a group. And I don't think I have any.

The thing is, the skills that we'd value post-apocalypse aren't very highly valued in today's world. Who would you want as part of your group after the walkers come? You'd need hunters and farmers, because you'd need to eat. I can cook, but I don't think anyone would be all that particular about how the squirrel and wild berries were seasoned and plated, just so long as they had some. And I don't think I could ever bring myself to kill an animal, so I'm out. I'd be a lonely, vegan survivor.

You'd need a functional shelter, so you'd want a general contractor and maybe a plumber on your team. A mechanic would also be helpful. And of course, when you're fighting the undead, it would help to have some cops or soldiers in your corner. Funny how none of those people get paid very well right now.

Who do we pay well? Actors, lawyers, rappers, and tech-savvy people. All totally useless in the zombie apocalypse. Damn. It seems like the only people who are universally useful are doctors.

And again, I'm not a doctor.

What can I do? Well, I write on a computer. That's not very useful, unless we still somehow have electricity and the internet after the apocalypse, and they need someone to keep the Human Resistance Twitter account updated. Then, I'm totally your guy!

I could take care of the children, I guess, but I'm sure there would be someone more qualified than me, like an actual teacher, or someone who's certified to work in a day care, or hell, someone who has experience with taking care of more than one kid at a time.

I can kind of sail a sailboat. That is, if you have access to a boat, and a real sailor got her up and running, and it was a relatively clear day, and someone else was navigating, I could keep her on course for a couple of hours so that the captain could get in a quick nap. Does that help?

I am a former dental assistant, so if you didn't already have a dentist or a hygienist on your team, I might be of some use. I could, um, apply sealants to the kids' molars, or make bleaching trays? Okay, maybe that's not that helpful. I suppose I could fumble my way through an extraction if I had to. I've watched enough of them. Oh! There's something! I don't get grossed out by blood and stuff, so I could be in charge of suturing people's wounds! That is, if you don't already have a doctor or a nurse or a physician's assistant on your team.

Although! I am pretty decent at zombie makeup, so if you had to go undercover, I could craft your disguise. Oh, also, I wear glasses, so the first time I fell down in the woods and stepped on them, I'd pretty much need a seeing-eye dog. If you haven't eaten it already.

That's it. I'm going to have a be a prostitute if I want to survive the zombie apocalypse. Oh, shoot. My Mirena is going to expire in a couple of years. Do you happen to have an OB/GYN on your team? No?

Man, I'm in trouble.