Google Something Clever 2.0: The Stuffed Animals of the Future-- Today!

Dec 3, 2013

The Stuffed Animals of the Future-- Today!

Every time I turn on the TV lately, I’m being barked at by some commercial, pleading with me to purchase the latest in stuffed animal technology. No longer are children satisfied with stuffed animals that are merely snuggly; they now must have a second function.

There are Flashlight Friends (stuffed animals with a flashlight in their stomachs), Seat Pets (stuffed animals that attach to a seatbelt and have a pocket for iPhone storage), and even Tummy Stuffers (an unholy turkducken of a stuffed animal that you fill with other stuffed animals).

I’ve come up with a few more stuffed animal innovations that are sure to catch on. If I start now, I think I can have them ready to ship in time for next year’s holiday season.

Boring mittens are a thing of the past. Slip on some Mippets and have a blast! Introducing Mippets! The only mitten that’s also a friendly puppet! Choose from six fun styles, including Armand the Armadillo, Wanda the Weevil, and more!
Yes, this is really just two puppets. Don’t worry; kids are easily fooled.

Potty Snuggles
Using the potty is such a bore. Now, here’s a potty that’s a whole lot more! Potty Snuggles is a stuffed animal with a potty inside! Kids, are you scared to leave your bed in the middle of the night to pee? Now, you don’t need to! Cuddle up with Potty Snuggles at bedtime, and when you feel the urge, simply open the discreet Velcro flap and let loose!
Potty Snuggles is not machine washable.

Nuke ‘n’ Love
When you’re cuddling on the couch, any toy will do, but here’s a friend who will make lunch for you! Hey kids, stuffed animals are fun, but what happens when you get hungry? You can’t eat them, right? Nuke ‘n’ Love is a stuffed panda with a compact 500-watt microwave built right into his belly! Snuggle away while he prepares your popcorn with ease. Comes in five fun colors!
Keep back 15 feet while microwave is in use. Not recommended for children with pacemakers.

My Tressed Friend
Drying your hair is no fun at all, but My Tressed Friend will make it a ball! Moms, do you struggle with your daughter after bathtime? You need My Tressed Friend, the plush toy with a built-in hair dryer! Choose from Princess, Unicorn, or Ducky styles.
May become hot during prolonged use. My Tressed Friend is absolutely not a bath toy. Not even the duck.

Little Tinkler
A baby doll that comes with a golden shower will have Mommy excited for happy hour! Moms, are you tired of cleaning up after baby doll messes? “More diapers? Get me out of here!” Well, Little Tinkler’s got a special secret just for moms. Her pee is actually white wine! Now your kids have a baby to love, and you get through the day a little easier. Order now!
For the love of god, do not fill Little Tinkler with red wine.

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.