Google Something Clever 2.0: August 2013

Aug 31, 2013

Here's What You Missed This Week 8/25/13 - 8/31/13

I did it! I visited New York City, and nobody even attempted to rape, mug, or murder me! I'd call that a win, how about you?

I didn't accomplish everything I want to do in New York, I'm afraid. For example, I did not eat all the pizza. I'm pretty disappointed about that. I'll have to go back, I guess.

Aug 30, 2013

No Way Out

Are you loving this week of guest posts, you guys? Am I in danger of losing you all next week, when I go back to writing my own stuff? I hope not. Today's guest is Starr from The Insomniac's Dream. You probably know her as one of my Theme Thursday cohosts. She's also one of my BBFFs, who was supposed to come visit me for Halloween this year (a holiday we are both gay for), but then she decided to move ever farther away from me. Like another 2000 miles. Was is something I said?

Anyway, she's having a grand old time out there in Arizona now. Oh, wait, no she's not, if this post is any example. Maybe she should move to Massachusetts.

It started out like any other Friday evening. The Gamer and I loaded The Tinys up in the car and told Uncle AZ where to meet us. Another weekly Friday night out after a long week, the evening we all look forward to, a chance to eat somewhere other than home. For me, a chance to get out of cooking and eat something I didn't have to prepare and a free pass from dishes. This evening, we were headed to a local pizza parlor, Peter Piper Pizza. (Think Chuck E Cheese) Proceeds would benefit Tiny Bard's school, raise funds for his trip to Washington DC in the Spring. What could possibly go wrong?

Aug 29, 2013

Craigslist: Absurd inspiration, my favorite kind.

You know how sometimes, you come across a new blog, read one post, love it, then binge-read the whole blog and subscribe immediately? Or maybe that's not a thing, but it's happened to me a couple of times. Anyway, the point is, that's what happened about a year ago, when I read "Tip for Tuesday – I wouldn’t try this at home…or anywhere really." by One Classy Motha. In it, Kim tries to flatten chicken breasts by running them over with her car. Seriously. How could I not fall in love?
I think that's about to happen you to right now, with this guest post she wrote for me:

Now that the kids are back in school, I finally have some time to focus on my favorite hobby, Craigslisting.
As a creative writer with a flair for the ridiculous (recent feedback includes: “There’s something seriously wrong with you.” & “Maybe it’s time to up your meds?”), I often find inspiration while drinking coffee/wine in my king sized bed and reading some of the crazy ass things people post on Craigslist. I just love it! They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me say, “Whaaat…the…hell? BRIAN! BRIAN! GET IN HERE, YOU GOTTA READ THIS ONE!”
Here are a couple of my recent favorites:
I hate to be all take, take, take, so sometimes I like to write my own inspiring ads, hoping to give back to the screwed up community that’s given me so much.
Here’s one I did earlier this week, I call it “Ode to a Missed Connection”. It’s loosely based on every man in every bar located next to a laundromat.

Posted: 2013-08-26, 11:03AM PDT

I LOVE EATING TACOS…and you love dressing like one – m4w – 36 (LA)

You were in front of the new Mexican restaurant on the corner of Irvine & Buckner last Friday around 4pm. wearing yellow tights, big bulbous shoes, and an oversized taco costume. It looked like you were texting someone while holding a sign that said “Taco ’bout delicious!” I wondered who you were texting.

I was the guy in the dark green pickup truck with the barking dog hanging out of the window. When I yelled, “Knock it off, Shitty!” you looked over and our eyes met through the holes in your shell. I felt a powerful connection. You must have felt it too because you waved in my general direction and pointed to the restaurant like you wanted me to meet you there. I would have pulled over but Shitty was late for his anal gland surgery and those appointments are hard to get.
I don’t know about you, but I believe that fate brought us together that day. How else can you explain the fact that I love eating tacos and you like standing on street corners dressed like one?
If you’re a woman, I’d like to take you on a date and introduce you to Shitty, he’s a really nice dog as long as you’re holding food. But if you’re a dude, we can be friends and eat Mexican together- but nothing more. Either way, I hope you like nachos too.

If you see this, please reply back with the color of my truck so that I know it’s really you and not someone who just wants free Mexican food.
You can email me at Tdinkleberry3(at)gmail(dot)com

Posting ID: 4026986828
Posted: 2013-08-26, 11:03AM PDT
Updated: 2013-08-26, 11:07AM PDT

And the most rewarding part, I get replies! I have readers!

I’m not, but thanks for writing, McAbee! Hmm, McAbee…is that Scottish?
Aww, Stacie! What a sweetheart! But I’m concerned that you took this ad too seriously. like really concerned.
Yesterday, my son came home from school and handed me a paper asking if I’d like to be a homeroom mom this year. According to the “Description of Duties” section, the position involves time- time in the classroom, time contacting parents, time organizing activities…basically time spent away from my writing, or as I call it “word artistry”. Umm, why do you think I send them to school? jeez.  Needless to say, I politely declined. Besides, I’m currently working on an emotional Craigslist piece titled “LOST!!!! Brown Squirrel- goes by the name Ricky” and I can’t afford any distractions.

Kim is a SAHM who spends her days trying to outwit her children, and her evenings sipping wine in her king sized bed while offering bad advice, ridiculous tips, and embarrassing family stories on her blog, One Classy Motha!  You can also find her posting inappropriate things on Pinterest and Twitter @mothakim …but she usually keeps it classy for Facebook (her mother “Friended” her).

Aug 28, 2013

The Time I Got a Spray Tan.

Haha, I bet you read that title and you were all, "Whaaat? Jenn? A spray tan? Nahhhh." You are correct. I have never gotten a spray tan, and I never plan to. The following is a guest post from the fabulous Stephanie of When Crazy Meets Exhaustion. You know what, though? If I ever did get a spray tan, I bet my experience would be almost identical. Steph is totally my spirit animal. Now then:

“Let’s get a spray tan for vacation!”

She was so excited. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I had ZERO interest in looking like one of Willy Wonka’s Oompa Loompas on the beach.


Aug 27, 2013

Is Your Brain a Mac or a PC?

Mac versus PC—the war will rage on for at least another 20 years, I suppose. The battle lines have been drawn, but I see no reason for it. We're all hard-wired to prefer one over the other.

PCs are the epitome of logic: 1+1=2, and that's that. Macs are "intuitive" and "user-friendly." They think the same way that you do. Right? Well, maybe.

Have you ever been gabbing with a girlfriend for hours, hopping from one subject to the next, and stopped the conversation to ask, "Wait, what were we talking about?" If I was that girlfriend, I could have told you.

Have you ever fallen down a rabbit hole on IMDb, lost an hour, and couldn't, for the life of you, figure out how you ended up on the page for 2 Broke Girls? Easy. It's because you were watching The Avengers, and Agent Coulson looked familiar. You looked him up, and saw that he was played by Clark Gregg, from The New Adventures of Old Christine. His character was married to Emily Rutherfurd, and where have you seen her before? Oh yeah, Will and Grace. And while we're here, let's see what Megan Mullally has been up to. Oh, that's right! She guested on Happy Endings a few times as Penny's mom. And now that you think about it, you always meant to look up that cute guy who played Penny's fiancĂ©, Pete. Oh, shit, it's Nick Zano, who also played Max's on-again, off-again boyfriend on 2 Broke Girls!

And there you go. Obviously, I am awesome at playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

Sometimes, I'll spit out a random bon mot at my husband, and he'll ask me what made me think of that. I'll take him on a fantastic voyage though my brain, detailing every thought I've had in the last two hours that led up to it (usually, it was lyrics from an early ‘90s hip hop song).

Is this normal? Do other people leave breadcrumb paths in their brains like I do? I did a little research.

Pay attention; I'm about to drop some science. The average human brain has about 100 billion neurons. Think of them as files, or web pages. Each neuron forms thousands of synapses with other neurons. Think of these as links. Now, all these neurons form all these synapses with each other to create neural networks. Think of them as webs, that are, like, brain-wide . . . aha!

The connections between neurons are not static. The more signals sent between two neurons, the stronger the connection grows . . . in the average brain. I submit to you that I do not have an average brain.

My brain is like a filing cabinet. Every pathway I make is traced in permanent marker. When my nose takes in the smell of garlic, every time, without fail, it's C:/Program Files/Recipes/Chicken Cacciatore/Garlic. It never leads me to that Italian restaurant I visited in 1997, or my husband's made-from-scratch marinara. My brain just doesn't work that way.

And, so, friends, this is how I know, beyond a doubt, that I am a PC.

So what does your brain look like? Graph paper or spider webs? Nice, clean Target aisles, or more like a dusty bodega? Am I alone here?

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room.

Aug 26, 2013

10 Things I Still Have in Common With My Pregnant Self

Do you know Mackenzie from Raising Wild Things? Well, you should. And if you didn't know her before, you're about to meet her.

This week, while I'm on vacation, I'm featuring guest posts from some of the raddest bloggers on the planet, and Mackenzie is the first. She actually sent me two different posts to choose from, and I hemmed and hawed (yes, I know I talk like your grandmother; shut up) for a week because I loved them both.


Aug 24, 2013

Here's What You Missed This Week 8/18/13 - 8/24/13

I was pretty busy this week with my vacation planning. Here's what that looks like in my house:
  • My husband and I casually mention to each other that we should go away somewhere, about eight times, over the course of approximately three months.
  • One of us puts our foot down and decides where we're going.
  • We decide we're leaving in, like, five days.
  • Insanity commences.
We're going to be staying with family, so at least we don't have to worry about hotels and food and such. But there's still all the packing and the sight seeing to-do lists and whatnot. And finding someone to watch my cats on short notice. And begging for guest posts so you people won't be bored for a week (I'm always thinking of others).

Aug 23, 2013

If I Can Make It There (and not get raped or murdered)...

I'm going to New York City.

I've never been to New York City.

I'm a little nervous.

It's weird, right? That I've lived in Massachusetts my whole life, and I've never been there? It's just never come up. I mean, I've been to Upstate New York a bunch of times back when I was in my band. I've been to a wedding in Rochester. And I sort of, kind of visited the city, if you count driving straight to JFK and then back home (I don't).

Aug 20, 2013

The Politeness Police

Do you like teaching people lessons? When someone's riding your ass on the highway, do you slow down to punish them? I do. Right now, I'm sure half of you are chuckling, and the other half will now hate me forever. That's cool. I get it.

During a recent trip to the supermarket, I returned to the parking lot to find a woman leaving her empty shopping cart between our cars. Not so much in the cart corral, which was no more than twenty feet away.

I hate people like that.

Aug 17, 2013

Here's What You Missed This Week 8/11/13 - 8/17/13

I failed you this week, my friends. I didn't interact with any celebrities on Twitter.

I know, right? So lame!

I'm super sorry. I'll try harder next week.

Aug 15, 2013

Spot the Lie

Today we're playing Two Truths and a Lie!

I'm going to tell you three little stories, and you can guess in the comments which one is the lie. I'll reveal the answer tomorrow on Facebook, so if you don't already like my page, get on that!

Aug 10, 2013

Here's What You Missed This Week 8/4/13 - 8/10/13

Welcome back to the weekly wrap up with 500% more farm animals than any other weekly wrap up you most likely read! I feel pretty confident saying that. I have my jacob sheep right there in the graphic, and today, there are four additional fuzzy friends! Take that,!

Aug 8, 2013

I Might Be a Geek.

I'm beginning to wonder whether my son is turning me into a geek, or whether I've secretly been one all along.

I've always loved Star Wars. I honestly didn't know until my very late twenties that there was such a thing as an American over the age of five who hadn't seen Star Wars. That's just wrong. I remember giddily anticipating my older cousin outgrowing each Star Wars toy and then handing it down to me. I wanted that Ewok treehouse so bad!

Side note, I just had a serious dilemma over whether or not to capitalize "Ewok." Is it a race, or a species? I feel like it's a species, so I shouldn't capitalize it. I mean, you don't capitalize "tiger." But lowercase just looks weird. So I guess I'm a grammar geek, too.

I like super heros. I prefer Marvel to D.C., because Superman is super lame. Batman is cool, but the rest of them, yawn. My husband had to do a little convincing in order to get me to watch that first X-Men movie, but now I'm all over that shit. And not because I think Hugh Jackman is pretty. I really don't get it, ladies. I just like his claws and the way he calls everyone "bub."

I like science and math. I don't think that's necessarily the hallmark of a geek, though. I think that just means I'm smart. People often confuse intelligence for geekiness. Stupid people, I mean.

The one holdout I have, though, the one thing that makes me think that I'm not really a geek, is that I don't care for comic books. I'd never read one until about a month ago. My son is a new reader, and we thought a trip to the comic book store would get him psyched to read more. We got that new X-Men series, the one where all the X-Men are ladies. It's like the Spice Girls, only they're mutants and not British.

I could not, for the life of me, understand what people see in those things. It took an entire book to tell a story that was basically four paragraphs long. Too many pictures, I say. Maybe I'm a brevity geek. I don't know.

If you're wondering if you're a geek, I have a really simple test for you. Scroll back up to that picture. That's a recreation of the kind of nonsensical groupings of toys my son plays with. Does it bug you? It bugs me. So you might be a little bit of a geek. But here's the real question: How many things are wrong with that picture? Comment with your answer, and you'll soon see how geeky you really are...

Aug 7, 2013

An Affordable Family Vacation

Once upon a time, when my husband and I were young and childless, we vacationed at Sandals in Jamaica. If you've never been on a fancy resort vacation, I'll tell you now, it's exactly as awesome as you think it is. You walk around in a bathing suit all day while people feed you free drinks that are about 50% rum and 48% ice. You don't have to worry about waking up on time, planning your day, or paying for meals.

It must be what life is like for celebrities, all the time.

Now, I know they have family resorts, but who has the money for that? All our money goes to action figures, dinosaur chicken nuggets, and wine now.

Aug 6, 2013

Don't leave me hanging, Tom Hanks!

I love Tom Hanks. He's America's sweetheart! He's been my favorite actor sinceBosom Buddies. But I must say, I do take issue with so many of his movies ending in cliffhangers. Did he ever deliver that package at the end of Cast Away? Did Santa ever use his elven magic to bestow a soul upon the Polar Express conductor's dead, dead eyes? And most importantly, what ever happened to Susan from Big?

Aug 5, 2013

George and Martha Need Counselling

Saddle up your fiberglass horse, boys and girls; it's time to ride the Character Assassination Carousel!

Have you been on this ride before? Created by the fabulous Nicole Leigh Shaw, the Character Assassination Carousel is an opportunity for parents to bitch about their kids' books. More specifically, to bitch about the characters in said books. Are you psyched? Let's do it!

Aug 3, 2013

Here's What You Missed This Week 7/28/13 - 8/3/13

Hooray, it's everyone's favorite post of the week!

Seriously, you guys love my wrap-ups way too much. I really didn't expect them to be as popular as they are. I'm glad, though, because they're actually sort of a bitch to write. I have to remember to email myself my favorite blog posts and tweets all week long, and then I have to write them on Friday nights! That's my night off!

But for you, I'll keep doing it.

Aug 1, 2013

Texas vs. Florida

I want to make this very clear up front: I believe that there are smart, kind people in every state.

I personally know people from both Texas and Florida who are just lovely.

That being said, there are certain qualities that Texas and Florida are known for. I am now going to write about them. If the thought of that hurts your feelings, you should probably take your ball and go home.

And by that, I mean secede.