Google Something Clever 2.0: 2014

Dec 19, 2014

The Worst Thing About December

I hate December. It's not just the weather, or the holidays being shoved in my face, or going into debt because of said holidays. Those are all factors, sure, but what really takes the cake is the lack of TV. Every damn show goes on hiatus, and we're forced to watch the same five Christmas specials over and over, or worse, make conversation. Blech.

Until Netflix! This year, my husband and I have finally decided to buckle down and catch up on Mad Men. We tried a couple times before, but never really got into it. I'm proud to say we're now on season three, and I really feel like we're going to pull through this time. Although, can I just say, this is basically every episode of Mad Men:

Me: "She's pretty."
Husband: "Yeah."
Me: "Don's gonna bang her, isn't he?"
Husband: "Yup."
Me: "God damn it, Don!"

I get it, Don, you're damaged. But didn't they have shrinks in the 1960s? I mean, come on.

Dec 17, 2014

What I've Been Doing on Other Websites

I know, I know, I haven't done any regular blog-type stuff in forever. I'm working on it, sorry. But in the meantime, here are these things:

In honor of the new "Annie" movie, I was asked to come up with a list of Things Your Kids Would Do if They Were Suddenly Super Rich for NickMom. I didn't see the movie, so I'm not sure if there's any overlap, but I did not include parties in a candy store or musical numbers with Jamie Foxx, so I'm thinking no. Let me know How I did.


I also recapped the latest episode of 'Ground Floor' for EW Community. Is anyone watching that show yet? Doesn't matter; it s a recap! Go check it out.


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Dec 10, 2014

If a Comedy Airs on TBS, and Nobody's Watching, Does it Make a Sound?

Just a quick redirect for you today. I'll be recapping season two of Ground Floor on TBS for EW Community. What's Ground Floor, you ask? Yeah, that's the problem. All the big shows are already taken, so that's what I got. It's actually a pretty decent show. It's got Dr. Cox from Scrubs, and I've helpfully caught you up on the first season, so you won't be totally lost if you read it. And I would really, really, like you to read it. Please read it. Thanks.

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Nov 26, 2014

My First Comic Con- What Should I Expect?



So, this is exciting, if you're me. I'm going to my first comic con! NorthEast Comic Con in Wilmington, MA, to be specific. And I'm going for freeeeee* and all I have to do in exchange is brag about it! This means I have another excuse to trot out the Halloween costumes I slaved over all October.

"Come with me if you wanna not die!"
Now, whether my son will actually wear his gigantic, heavy Lord Business helmet for more than two minutes, I do not know. But we'll have a good time.

Nov 25, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving, and Crappy Black Friday

Just a couple quick NickMom posts for you today. First off, your baby explores which is better, the person who gave them life, or the best side dish ever invented, mashed potatoes.


Then we have an illustration of what I'll be doing on Black Friday. My guess is it looks a lot like your Black Friday.



Enjoy your turkey, and try not to tear your hair out after spending an extended weekend with your kids at home.

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Oct 29, 2014

Let’s Put an End to the Board Game Movie Trend Right Now

Confession: I just saw Clue for the first time a few months ago. And you know what? It was pretty funny. But that's where board game-inspired movies should have stopped. Quit while you're ahead, you know?

But noooo, they had to go and make Battleship, where all the little red pegs were replaced with Rihanna and Liam Neeson. (Man, that guy is in everything. He's like the white Samuel L. Jackson.)

And now there's Ouija. A movie about a board game that's barely a board game. It's just an excuse for that one pathological liar friend of yours to make you scared of the dark. Come on, now. What could they possibly come up with next?

Nothing, that's what. Because I've come up with ideas for every conceivable future board game movie, and published them over at NickMom. I even cast them. Now, if Hollywood wants to make another, they'll have to buy the rights from me. You're welcome, America. Go check out my posters.


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Oct 15, 2014

Two Funny Mothas

I think I've officially "made it," you guys. I'm being interviewed about how funny and interesting and pretty I am.

Okay, maybe just the first one. Maybe not even that.

Do you know Stacey from One Funny Motha? Of course you do. Well, I know her personally. We met, as so many cosmopolitan women do, in the dining car of a train, where we shared laughs over plastic cups of wine. I compared her to Carrie Heffernan from King of Queens. I meant it as very high praise, and she was quite gracious about it.

It wasn't a chance meeting; we "knew" each other via the internet, and we were both travelling to Blog U in Maryland. I hopped on the Amtrak in Boston (seven hours, people), and she joined up in New York. We discovered in real time on Facebook that we were on the same train, and made a wine date.

There is not much room for a wine date on an Amtrak dining car, FYI. Particularly when all the seats are taken, so you're forced to hug the wall, and chat over a recycling bin. I'm lucky I get to sail two days a year, so I'm pretty awesome at standing up on a moving vehicle.

Well, apparently the length of time it takes to chug a Solo cup of Pinot Grigio wasn't enough Jenn for her, so she's back for more. Click over to One Funny Motha to learn all about what makes me tick (hint: it's mostly Pinot Grigio).

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Oct 10, 2014

To the Cub Scout at My Door

I was caught off guard when you arrived at my door today. We weren’t expecting company, and we certainly weren’t expecting a pint-sized Cub Scout peddling snacks. But there you were.

You asked me if I’d like to buy some popcorn “to support scouting,” and I found myself at a loss for words (a rare occurrence). I looked at your hopeful little face, and your mom’s, and then mumbled, “Oh… No. No thank you.” You were both very gracious about being turned down.

I wish I could have explained to you why I didn’t want to buy any. It wasn’t about you. And it wasn’t about the popcorn.


Oct 6, 2014

Is It OK to Interrupt Mom's Shower? A Primer for Children

Have you missed me? I'm sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but I've been really busy with my best friend's wedding, Halloween, and fostering two cats in addition to my two cats and frog.

Yeah. Lots of stuff. But the wedding is over now, and the cats will be moving back home this weekend, so I'm ready to start entertaining you again. Let's start with something short and sweet on NickMom that I wrote in the shower while my kid was banging on the door to tell me something super important about Legos or whatever:


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Sep 25, 2014

Would You Like a Side of Hate With That Sandwich?

I am pissed. Wait, I take it back. I'm furious. Today, a hate group came to my community, and what's worse, nobody cares.

Westborough, Massachusetts is my favorite town. I used to live there. I hope to live there again one day. It's the kind of town where strangers passing you on the street will stop to say "Good morning," but it's not so small that they don't have room for a Target, three grocery stores, and more Italian restaurants than you can shake a stick at.

The schools are rated a nine out of ten on Greatschools.org. They teach Mandarin Chinese in the high school, and they're hoping to offer it in middle school soon. Westborough is an awesome town... Whose town council apparently didn't get the memo two years ago that Chick Fil A is a hate group.

Sep 11, 2014

How To Pack Your Kid’s Lunch In 30 Seconds Or Less

Today is the tenth day of kindergarten, and I'm finally getting used to the new routine. Well, as much as I can, when we haven't had one normal week yet-- the first week was two days, the second was four, and today is a half day. But get this: I still had to pack a lunch. Isn't that weird? Lunch on a half day?

I'm proud to report that I'm still packing fancy lunches with sandwiches cut into fun shapes (today is a stegosaurus and a heart) and way too many snacks. Even that day when I fell back to sleep on the couch, and my husband woke me up 15 minutes before we had to leave. Luckily, I do most of my lunch packing the night before!

But for those of you who are not nailing the lunch thing, or who maybe have an off day, I'm here to help! Check out this handy guide I wrote for you on Nickmom:



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Sep 5, 2014

I Almost Got Stranded on a Desert Isle Last Weekend

Yes, yes, I'm telling you about last weekend on Friday. Give me a break. I'm a brand-new kindergarten mom, and I'm a maid of honor in a month, and I've been very, very busy watching TV lately. The point is, I'm here now.


Aug 29, 2014

Thoughts on My Son's First Day of Kindergarten

Well, I made it. I sent my baby into the world on his own for six hours, which is a completely normal thing that every (non-homeschooling) parent does, but to me, it seemed insane.

How is this kid, who still needs to be reminded to use the bathroom and drink water and not fling himself into the furniture, old enough to be in a classroom with 22 other kids, with only two adults to look after them? This kid who only just graduated from a convertible seat to a booster? Who started the year still sitting in the shopping cart? How is he big enough for school??

But he is. The calendar says it, the state says it, and honestly, I don't think I could handle another year of All Mom All the Time.

I love him, but most days I am very happy to see the clock turn to 8pm. You know what I mean.

But still.

Aug 21, 2014

Top 9 Thoughts I Have While Grocery Shopping With Kids

My son is starting kindergarten next week. You know what that means: I finally get to go shopping alone! I'm not sure I remember what it was like to go to Target without either visiting the toy aisle, or coming up with an elaborate scheme to avoid it. To go to BJ's without stopping at every single sample stand. To go to the grocery store without stopping at the deli for free cheese, the seafood section to pat the lobsters, and hissing "slow down!" "hurry up!" or "get out of her personal space!" ten times each.

So, yeah, I'm nervous about sending him to school. Very, very nervous. But I'm trying to focus on the positives, like these nine things I won't have to deal with anymore:



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Aug 14, 2014

The Paradox That is the Human Child

I want you to ask yourself a question: Roughly what percentage of the time are you content with the volume of your child's voice?

My kid is LOUD, almost all the time. I gather that's pretty common. But you know when he's super quiet? Not when I'm working. Not when I'm watching TV. Not first thing in the morning. Noooo. He is quiet when thanking a stranger for a compliment ("Tell her thank you, not the floor!"), and he's quiet when we're driving. Here's every car ride ever:

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: What?

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: [Turns radio down] What??

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: [Rolls windows up] What?!

Boy: Mhmhmmmhm

Me: Speak up!

Boy: Tell me about the day you bought this car.

Me: [Steam coming out of my ears.]

And so, after the latest episode of "OH JUST TELL ME WHEN WE GET HOME," I wrote a little ditty about The Paradox That is the Human Child for NickMom. 90% of these examples are based on things my kid really does. I'm willing to be you'll recognize your special snowflake, too.



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