I’ve been keeping this quiet for a couple of weeks, but I’m ready to share: I received a time machine for Christmas.
I have a long list of things I plan to do with it, like go back in time and kill Hitler, warn myself not to cut bangs in 2010, and buy Google stock. But before I take care of all of that nonsense, I wanted to do something for you, my lovely friends In the Powder Room.
I decided that the best way to share my gift with you would be to save you some time. Let me ask you this: How many hours do you waste every day reading the news, when you could be doing something more productive, like knitting socks for all the squirrels in your neighborhood, or writing Rizzoli & Isles fan fiction?
So I time-traveled to December 31,2014, and read every news story from the past year. That’s the following year to you. Try and keep up. Here are the top headlines you have to look forward to in 2014:
Your Favorite Teenage Pop Star Was Photographed Doing Something Naughty
A Florida Resident Did Something Illegal, Crazy, Terrible and Gross
A Beloved Reality TV Star Said Something Super Racist
Facebook Changed Some Stuff and Everyone is OUTRAGED!
Texas Republican Admits He’s Not a Huge Fan of Women’s Rights
SHOCKER! Kardashian Relationship Failed!
There is No News Today, So Here’s a Video of a Cute Animal We Found on YouTube
Kanye West Really Put His Foot in His Mouth This Time, Folks
That New Overly-Hyped Piece of Tech Came Out, and It Has Bugs
A Restaurant Patron Wrote a Terrible Note on Their Receipt, Never Mind, It’s a Hoax
Study Shows That the Newest Fad Diet Isn’t All it’s Cracked Up to Be
Sarah Palin Said Something Absurd, But She Wins Because Now You’re Thinking About Her
People Are Very Passionate About Guns
ZOMG Beyonce Went to a Store!
Hero Athlete Did Something Decidedly Un-Heroic
The Trendy Health Food You Love Is Not as Healthy As You Thought
Congress, AM I RIGHT??
Apple Has a New Product, And You’re Totally Going to Line Up For It
A Young Child Did Something That Will BLOW YOUR MIND
There’s a New Cool Dance, and Oh Wait Now It’s Over Because Your Dad Just Vined Himself Doing It
And there you have it. Happy new year!
P.S. Please tweet me a link to that fanfic as soon as you finish it. I can’t wait to read it!
This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room