Google Something Clever 2.0: I Just Want to Be Alone With Lady Writers

Mar 21, 2014

I Just Want to Be Alone With Lady Writers

Have you heard? Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat and all of the cool kids from I Just Want to Pee Alone have written another book. It’s called I Just Want to Be Alone (I’m sensing a trend). And because I’m second-tier cool, co-author Stephanie of Where Crazy Meets Exhaustion sent me a copy. Haha. I’ve already read it, and you can’t even buy it until tomorrow (although you can preorder it now)!

But do you want to buy it? Yes! Yes, you do. You may be worried that it’s too squishy and romantic for your tastes. Your worries are unfounded. The 37 essays in this book were written by some seriously funny broads. Like Lisa Newlin, who lovingly prepares meals for her husband while simultaneously yelling “bitch” at him, like she’s a domestic Jesse Pinkman. And Nicole Knepper, who offers a transcript of a sweet exchange between spouses that revolves around crotch-punching.

Don’t get me wrong! There are some sweet stories, too. Courtney Fitzgerald and A.K. Turner, in particular, made me tilt my head and say “Aww” in a way that made me feel kind of icky afterwards. Then, I scratched my butt and spit on the floor, and I was back to normal again.

These wives get me. Lynne Morrison and Suzanne Fleet both share with me the pain of marrying someone who has a smaller ass. I mean, when Old Navy first started selling “Boyfriend Jeans,” I was all, “Huh? Aren’t skinny jeans tight enough?” Turns out I’m not alone.

Editor Jen, like me, is also not interested in romance, and Bethany Thies also suffers from the Writer Lady Problem of having a husband so perfect, she’s unable to make fun of him for the sake of page views (donations can be made via PayPal, thanks).

Other dreamy dudes include the husbands who have their wives’ backs no matter what, like the lovely men who married Heather Reese and Robyn Welling, and the husbands who sound so hilarious, I kind of want to be a sister wife (I’m looking at you, Leanna Shirtliffe and Janel Mills).

But they’re not all perfect! There are husbands with dangerous hobbies, like Meredith Spidel’s and Bethany Meyer’s. Husbands with potty problems, like Michelle Newman’s, Karen Alpert’s, and Meredith Napolitano’s (yup, three. And they’re all wildly different). Straddling the fence are the spouses of Lori Wescott and the afore-mentioned Stephanie Jankowski, who mean well, but totally screwed the pooch at some major moments.

These women wrap you up in their words in such a way that you feel like you were right there with them, like Amy Flory and Kim Bongiorno do. Nicole Leigh Shaw and Raqel D’Apice weave metaphors about salad dressing and sweaters that will have you nodding and saying, “Damn, this bitch can write!” Or maybe you’re classier than me, and you don’t refer to strangers who you admire as bitches. I meant it in a nice way, ladies!

Bottom line: I have a five-year-old son, who is not in school yet. As such, I can count on both hands the number of books I’ve read since he was born. I just can’t seem to find the time! But I made the time for this one, and boy, am I glad I did. I think you should, too. The nice thing about anthologies is that you don’t have to feel locked into reading for hours each time you pick it up. Just give them five or ten minutes at a time (try hiding in the can). You won’t be sorry.

Now, I’m off to convince my husband to take up rollerblading, just in case there’s a sequel and Jen’s looking for material…