Google Something Clever 2.0: Let's Talk Pizza

Apr 10, 2014

Let's Talk Pizza

I have a thing with pizza. I'm completely bonkers for it.

Sometimes, I come up with an idea for a topic to write about, and I'll email myself. I've had an email sitting in my inbox for months with the subject line "Greek pizza." But I felt like it wasn't enough. Then I did something that, on the surface, sounds pretty dumb: I took a Buzzfeed quiz about pizza. I know! And right after I made fun of those quizzes!

But it ended up being really helpful, because it gave me some additional pizza-related ideas, so now I have enough for a whole blog post about pizza. Aren't you lucky! I checked off 58 out of 80 statements on the quiz, which seems low, but you need to consider that some of the questions are whack, such as "I have eaten three slices of pizza at once, stacked on top of each other" (what a waste; you should savor each one individually) or "I would murder for pizza" (um, unless I'm on a desert island, I'm fairly confident that it'll never come to that) and the worst, "I have eaten Chicago–style pizza" (NO I HAVE NOT EATEN TOMATO PIE THANK YOU).

So here are some of the ones I checked off, followed by my explanations:

I have gone on a pizza crawl.

If you read all my posts about my trip to New York last year, well, bless your heart, first of all. Second, you know about my pizza crawl. I was only in the city for a few hours, and I made it my mission to try a slice from every pizza place we passed. Here is a photo montage of me trying my very first slice of New York Pizza (yes, I'm capitalizing Pizza on purpose):

Sorry about my shiny forehead; it was 95 degrees that day.
It was magical. This was taken at John's of Bleecker Street, which I highly recommend if you're ever in the area. John's is one of those stereotypical NYC eateries that has a bunch of headshots lining the walls to show off how many celebrities love them. What really stuck out to me, though, was an interview with Jack Black posted in their window, wherein he states a fact I previously thought was known only to me: pizza doesn't need toppings. A good pizza, a real, true pizza, doesn't need a bunch of bullshit obscuring its delicious flavor. You've got your sweet, your savory, and your umami already in there. Don't muck it up with pepperoni.

I have eaten an entire pizza in one sitting.

That's normal, right? I don't know anymore. But I've done it-- both small and large. Back in my early 20s, my lady friends and I were always so annoyed that we couldn't go to a bar without male escorts (ew, not that kind!) without getting hit on. One night, three of us got hit on about ten times. The pickup lines were getting worse and worse. This one dude sat down at our table and announced to us, "I ate a whole pizza by myself today." I had no idea what to make of that. I ended up making t-shirts for the three of us that said "I'm here to get drunk, not hit on" the next day.

I’ve gone an entire day eating nothing but pizza.

Again, is that so weird? Like, on a Saturday, you order much more pizza than you need, and then you just, like, graze on it all day, right?

I have had pizza delivered two or more days in a row.

In my youth, I was a bit of an irresponsible eater. I would often eat a family sized bag of chips for dinner. My affection for breakfast sandwiches and white Russians made with half-and-half almost put me on Lipitor when I was 22 (and 100 pounds). My husband was always on my case about eating better, and when I got pregnant, he was determined to make sure that I gained enough weight. So as long as I had some vegetables, he was all about me eating all the food. And so it came to pass that I ate pizza for nine days in a row. Many of those days, I ate it more than once. It was rad.

I have eaten pizza that I just found somewhere.

Once, I was digging in my mom's purse for a pen or something, and I found a slice of pizza wrapped in a napkin. I ate it. Then I asked her where it came from. Where did it come from, you ask? It doesn't matter because FREE SURPRISE PURSE PIZZA!

I have screamed because of pizza.

Back in October, I read this article on xoJane about how to make pizza on your grill. Brilliant! It would taste just like a brick-oven pizza, right? Right?? Well, I don't know, because I burned the bottom and it was inedible and I was super sad and then we ordered Papa Gino's. I will try again, one day. Grill, you have not bested me! Do you hear me?! No, because you're a grill?! Okay, then!!!

I can have long conversations about my pizza preferences.

And here is where the Greek pizza issue comes up. If you've ever been at a party that I've attended, you have probably heard this rant before. Back in the early 1980's, almost all the pizza places in Massachusetts (or at least the part I lived in) were taken over by Greek people. Greek people, you are a lovely people with lovely food. And by that, I mean I like chicken gyros a lot. But Greek people, I do not care for your pizza.

If you've never had Greek pizza, let me try to explain it. You know how a normal pizza is red, white and beige? A Greek pizza is tan and orange. The crust is hard as a rock, with tiny bubbles all throughout it. The sauce is sweeter than bubblegum. The cheese is this oily orange carpet of madness. It's awful. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'll still eat it, because it's pizza, but I friggin' hate it.

Okay, so now it's thirty years later, and we have a large Brazilian population here, and they have been taking over the Greek pizza places. Brazilian people, you are a lovely people, and I don't like rice or red meat, so I will never eat your food, but my husband loves it, so I love you for making him happy. But Brazilian pizza is a god damned abomination. Greek pizza is one culture putting their spin on another culture's food, which, if you call it "fusion," is very trendy and you can charge $50 for it. But when the Brazilian people bought out the Greek restaurants that served Italian food, it was to much. They're making a copy of a copy. Ever try to fax a fax, and then read it? Exactly.

So you end up with chorizo instead of pepperoni, or the "Margherita" pizza I ordered that arrived with spinach instead of basil on top because I think the Greeks left it in the fridge when the Brazilians bought the place, so they just shrugged and threw it on the pizza. It's like they tried to copy all the dishes based on the stock photos on their website, rather than actual Googling "how do I make a pizza" or something. God damn you, not-Margherita pizza. That one still makes me mad.

I'd love to discuss pizza with you all day. Be sure to comment with your deep feelings about pizza, unless your feelings are "no, thanks," in which case I have nothing to say to you.

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