Google Something Clever 2.0: January 2014

Jan 31, 2014

Turning Five is Kind of a Big Deal

Today is the boy's fifth birthday. We've been wrapped up in a whole lot of big-boy milestones recently. Such as...

The Big Boy Bedroom

Two weeks ago (okay, thirteen days), we redecorated his bedroom. He was still in his crib (with the front rail removed, of course) and using the combo changing table/dresser for his clothes. He really had no interest in transitioning to an actual bed, much like his indifference to removing the front rail when he was two. But I was sick of jamming his big-boy clothes into drawers that were designed for baby clothes. They just weren't shaped right.

Jan 28, 2014

You Can't Be a Sexist Feminist

I saw a cutesy quote on Facebook the other day that really pissed me off: “If you think that women are the weaker sex, try pulling the covers back to your side of the bed!”

Just me? Or did you have a rage-stroke, too?

You can’t fight sexism with sexism. That is literally the dumbest thing ever. Did the person who wrote that really set out to change minds and challenge the status quo, though? Probably not. She probably just thought she was being funny. “Tee-hee, men hog the blankets!” But it’s not funny. It’s sexist.

Pay attention, ladies: you cannot ask men to stop being sexist, and then be sexist yourself.

It seems that every time I turn on the TV lately, there’s another commercial or sitcom taking potshots at men. “LOL, dudes can’t do laundry or take care of kids!” It’s okay, because it’s true! Men are privileged and need to get knocked down a few pegs, right? Wrong. Any sexism is bad. All sexism is bad.

And don’t give me any of that crap about “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,” either. It was never good for the goose. It’s not good for anyone.

If your boyfriend blamed your bad mood on your period, you’d be livid, correct? Yet we have no problem complaining when he gets a “man cold.”

We wring our hands over the negative stereotypes Disney and Barbie present for our daughters, and then we teach our sons to always hold the door for a lady.

We’ve replaced our go-to feminist war cry, “We Can Do It” with a pink, glittery “Girlz Rule, Boyz Drool.”

The way to fight sexism against women is not to try to counterbalance it with sexism against men. Treat all people equally. Teach your children to do the same. Pay attention to the words you use, and ask yourself, Would I say that about a woman? What makes it okay to say that about a man?  (Unless, of course, the phrase in question was about genitals or facial hair.)

That’s the only path I see to true equality. Now, knock it off with the shitty memes, would you?

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room

Jan 16, 2014

The War On Babies Continues...

Here's the latest skirmish in the War On Babies: a couple brought their 8-month-old baby to Alinea, a super fancy restaurant in Chicago, this past weekend. And when I say "super fancy," I mean their menu makes no sense, and you have to buy tickets to dine there, which cost over $200 apiece. Fancy, dude.

So Mr. Fancy Chef tweeted this about that:

Guess what this created. I'll give you a hint: it starts with a "U" and ends with "proar."

Jan 14, 2014

R├ępondez s'il vous plait (or I’ll cut you)

Applying for a job. Auditioning for a role. Pitching an article. Some situations are entered into with trepidation, when you’re putting yourself out there, waiting to be judged, and possibly rejected. It keeps you awake at night, whispering to yourself, “Please, oh, please, let them say yes!”

I am in one such situation right now. I have just sent out an Evite for my son’s birthday party.

And you know what? I can handle the straight-up rejection. “Sally has soccer that afternoon.” Cool , I wouldn’t want to infringe on her opportunity to be the next Mia Hamm, or that lady who whipped her shirt off at the World Cup that time. “Sorry; it’s at the same time as our Mee-Maw’s 95th, and we’re not sure how much longer we’ll have her around!” Right on, Mee-Maw. You were here first. I get that.

But the Maybes!

I understand that sometimes you are legitimately unsure whether or not you can attend. Like if you’re a doctor, and the on-call schedule hasn’t been finalized yet. Or you’re pregnant, and the party coincides with your due date. Fine. But can you give me a hint? “I’m waiting to hear back about my test results. The nurse said she’ll call by the 15th” is an excellent way to convey a maybe. “We’ll let you know,” not so much.

And then there are the dreaded no-response people. What is with you people?? Sorry, it’s just… I can’t even deal with the no-responses anymore. This past summer, we were throwing a barbecue every few weeks, and it got to the point where my husband offered to take over my guest list management duties because I was about to crack up. He spent a few days tracking them down via email, Facebook and text message before he lost it. “I am writing down these people’s names, and we’re never inviting them to anything, ever again!”

I need to know how much food to cook, how many goody bags to buy. Have you ever had too many goody bags? It’s a nightmare! You can’t throw them away, because it’s wasteful, but what the hell are you supposed to do with that junk? I think I’m going to surreptitiously dump them all in the “treasure chest” at my next dentist appointment.

And why haven’t they replied? Did they forget? I could remind them, but then maybe they’ll think I’m a nag. Do they not want to come, but feel badly about telling me? Honestly, I’d rather lose a friend who doesn’t really like me than have to throw away 10 pounds of potato salad. Are they waiting until the last moment, to see if something better comes along? Screw you; we don’t want you in our bouncy castle, anyway!

So here I am again, naked and vulnerable, waiting for those reassuring emails to come rolling in. I’ll be tearing my hair out for the next two weeks. Please respond promptly, everyone. Or if you won’t, at least send Valium.

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room

Jan 9, 2014

The Boy is Probably Not the Next Andy Warhol

My son received an easel for his first birthday. We set it up in the the living room, with free access to crayons. Furniture be damned! We were all about his artistic expression. He'd scribble every now and then, when prompted. That easel still stands, now in his bedroom. He's almost five. I think he's used it a total of fifteen times.

That's right, my child is not into art. And it bums me out.

Jan 7, 2014

Top Headlines of 2014

I’ve been keeping this quiet for a couple of weeks, but I’m ready to share: I received a time machine for Christmas.

I have a long list of things I plan to do with it, like go back in time and kill Hitler, warn myself not to cut bangs in 2010, and buy Google stock. But before I take care of all of that nonsense, I wanted to do something for you, my lovely friends In the Powder Room.

I decided that the best way to share my gift with you would be to save you some time. Let me ask you this: How many hours do you waste every day reading the news, when you could be doing something more productive, like knitting socks for all the squirrels in your neighborhood, or writing Rizzoli & Isles fan fiction?


So I time-traveled to December 31,2014, and read every news story from the past year. That’s the following year to you. Try and keep up. Here are the top headlines you have to look forward to in 2014:

Your Favorite Teenage Pop Star Was Photographed Doing Something Naughty

A Florida Resident Did Something Illegal, Crazy, Terrible and Gross

A Beloved Reality TV Star Said Something Super Racist

Facebook Changed Some Stuff and Everyone is OUTRAGED!

Texas Republican Admits He’s Not a Huge Fan of Women’s Rights

SHOCKER! Kardashian Relationship Failed!

There is No News Today, So Here’s a Video of a Cute Animal We Found on YouTube

Kanye West Really Put His Foot in His Mouth This Time, Folks

That New Overly-Hyped Piece of Tech Came Out, and It Has Bugs

A Restaurant  Patron Wrote a Terrible Note on Their Receipt, Never Mind, It’s a Hoax

Study Shows That the Newest Fad Diet Isn’t All it’s Cracked Up to Be

Sarah Palin Said Something Absurd, But She Wins Because Now You’re Thinking About Her

People Are Very Passionate About Guns

ZOMG Beyonce Went to a Store!

Hero Athlete Did Something Decidedly Un-Heroic

The Trendy Health Food You Love Is Not as Healthy As You Thought

Congress, AM I RIGHT??

Apple Has a New Product, And You’re Totally Going to Line Up For It

A Young Child Did Something That Will BLOW YOUR MIND

There’s a New Cool Dance, and Oh Wait Now It’s Over Because Your Dad Just Vined Himself Doing It

And there you have it. Happy new year!

P.S. Please tweet me a link to that fanfic as soon as you finish it. I can’t wait to read it!

This post originally appeared on In the Powder Room