Can we talk about the weird trend of celebrities crashing weddings lately? Every few weeks, a new picture pops up of a happy couple in their gown and tux, posing with some asshat actor in a t-shirt, and I’m kind of over it. All I’m saying is, Hollywood is damned lucky that this wasn’t a thing in 2005, because I would have been a terrible bride to spring this on. Let’s explore what my reaction would have been if these actual celebrity wedding crashers had wandered into the middle of my special, special day uninvited.
Maroon 5- Nobody fell for this hoax video for a second because, obviously no one would be happy about Maroon 5 crashing their wedding. I’ve heard of DJs getting fired for even suggesting a Maroon 5 song.
Bill Murray- This would have started my marriage off on a really bad foot. My husband probably would have fawned all over him, calling him a legend and talking about how much he loved Rushmore, and I’d be all, "Pssht, Rushmore was Wes Anderson’s worst movie. Let’s talk about Ghostbusters 2, and all the ways that it was vastly superior to the original."
Robert Pattinson- Nobody’s allowed to sparkle more than the bride. Inappropriate.
Josh Gad and Kevin Hart- "Oh, hey, you’re that guy from that Jenna Elfman show that wasn’t too interesting. And you’re that tiny black guy who’s always mad about being tiny! ...Or maybe you’re just some other fat white guy with glasses and his short black friend. Who can tell?"
Taylor Swift- Only if she wore one of those 1950s bikinis.
Serena Williams- She actually did crash a wedding in a bathing suit. Yeah, yeah, it was on a beach. Don’t care. Do not approach those in formalwear when you’re wearing leopard print, Serena. Just don’t.
Lebron James- Depends on what state you live in, I suppose.
Beyonce- Remember that bitch who came to your wedding wearing a cream-colored dress and total stole focus from the bride? Imagine if, instead of wearing cream, she’d worn literally anything else and instead just been Beyonce. Cream-colored bitch doesn’t seem so bad now, does she?
Brad Pitt- No groom wants this, is all I’ll say.
Snoop Dogg- Yes, please. But hide the cake, because I have to assume dude’s got a severe and chronic case of munchies.
Conan O’Brien- Actually, I can’t see a down side to this.
Lady Gaga- What if the cream-colored dress bitch had also worn a tiara?
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez- I would take that little brat over my knee in a hot second if I ever had the chance. And maybe while I was laying into him, the bridesmaids could take Selena into the ladies’ and give her a serious girlfriend intervention about her life choices.
John Travolta- Pre-Scientology, OMG yes. Big fan of Saturday Night Fever and Welcome Back, Kotter. Today? Thanks, but no thanks.
Bill Clinton- Depends. Did he bring the saxophone? Do the bridesmaids’ dresses show any cleavage?
Bill Nye- Hell yes. And I’d make him do science experiments at the tables. How many calories are in a slice of wedding cake? Let’s set it on fire and find out! What happens if you put the white flowers from the centerpiece in colored water? SCIENCE, BITCHES!
Kanye West- What if that cream-wearing bitch had actually carried a bouquet around and tried to sit at the head table? And, like, swooped in and kissed the groom at the end of the ceremony before the bride got a chance to? That’s Kanye.
Queen Elizabeth- Only if she brought the corgis.
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